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Original poster

Is not living together the key to a successful relationship?

151 replies

SheRaa · 16/02/2019 13:21

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we have both previously experienced horrible relationship issues & nasty breakups.

We both have kids & are keen to protect them & not impact their lives negatively.

It is early days for us but we keep coming back to the conversation that perhaps long term dating is the best way to maintain a good relationship rather than the generally natural progression of moving in / becoming a family etc.

I’m very back & forth about the idea - obviously no rush to make a decision but just wondered what others think of this as the best way of preserving a good relationship?

OP posts:
FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 19:16

But with my fiance I knew early on it was different and that my children would absolutely be a bonus rather than baggage

Many people believe that is the case..until it turns out it isn’t and the children have suffered.

And then there is the "small" issue of love. I love my fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him

I think most other parents would put their children’s safety and emotional wellbeing first. You have the rest of your life to spend with whatever man you decide, why rush it at the possible expense of your children? It’s utterly irresponsible and selfish.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:19

You can be married to a man for many years and he can turn out to be an absolute horror. Trust me, I did it. I made more of a mistake marrying him and having kids at 26 and 29!!

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:21

And at 38 if we would like children together (he doesn't have any) we don't have the luxury of many years of waiting.

FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 19:24

Thats nonsense logic. I could get run over by a car anytime when crossing a road, doesn’t mean I don’t take steps to lower the risk such as using a zebra crossing.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 16/02/2019 19:24

Op yes!!!!! I met my gorgeous dp 18 months ago. He's 52 and I'm 42 and we have no desire whatsoever to live together. I have 2 teenagers and his dc have all left home. Not just now but for the foreseeable future if not forever. I adore him, he's the best man I've ever met but have no desire to share my space with him.

This may be odd to many but it absolutely makes us happy and fortunately we both feel the same.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:26

@FissionChip5 Not sure what you mean?

Boredboredboredboredbored · 16/02/2019 19:29

Also we mainly see each other at weekends. We travel, eat out and generally love our time together. I don't want to see him when I'm knackered and grouchy as hell in the week. I need my own space and he does too.

The other factor is I do not want to merge finances or houses. We both own our own houses and will keep it that way. My dc will also grow up and leave home then I'll move to the same lovely town as him but still live apart.

FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 19:32

You can be married to a man for many years and he can turn out to be an absolute horror

I took this as you meaning that there is little point waiting because you might not know till much later how awful they are.
That’s what I was referring to as bad logic.

I’m quite shocked though. You moved him in after only five months because he had no home, now you’re planning on having children with him because he doesn’t have any.
It seems his needs come first.

adayatthebeach · 16/02/2019 19:33

I read somewhere don’t marry if you have teenagers wait till they are grown. Makes sense to not rush into living together.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 19:35

But Ella, you felt the same way with your ex-h or enough to get married to him and have 2 kids.

If I had 10p for every one of these 'D'P' moved in and now it turns out he's a shit bag but of course I'm pregnant (x2 or more) because I just have to have a baby with every 'partner' and I also packed in FT work to take care of kids because D'P' earns more and now I have no money' threads I'd be rich.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 19:36

But of course, not Fission, it's love this time.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:36

Not at all. It is my home (well, rented) and my choice to allow him to share it. I would love a child with him because a) He's not been fortunate enough to have his own despite a former lengthy marriage and b) It would be wonderful to have a biological child together. Does that desire make us selfish?

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:39

My ex was a vile abuser. Was married for quote some years before I found that out. The reality is ALL people have the potential to turn into the bad guy. I won't let one horrific experience allow me never to trust or be happy again.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 19:40

Of course not, one has to procreate with every partner because it's just so wonderful to bring more children into the mix no matter what the impact on existing ones. The existing ones always adore the new boyfriend, naturally, and he's always a 'great dad'.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:41

Unlikely as my fiance earns less than me!

Lweji · 16/02/2019 19:48

For me, it is all about the relationship.

I agree.
I also had a fairly short term relationship after the divorce that I really never told DS about.

I'm in a new relationship now that I thought I'd want to be long term dating, but I'm beginning to change my mind and miss daily intimacy.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:48

With respect, not sure where the opinion that I want to 'procreate with every man' has come from? I was single and then dating for five years after I split from my ex-husband. This is the first man that has been involved with my kids except their biological dad.

FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 19:48

I won't let one horrific experience allow me never to trust or be happy again

No, but it should make you extra cautious of the men/partners you being into your children’s lives.

Everything Taimaand said too.

Fatboysmudge · 16/02/2019 19:51

I've been with my do for over 3 years & we don't live together (houses are 5 mins apart in large village) & we're very happy with it 😍 we're both single parents too. I think we might live together when the kids leave home & we retire.. That's over 10 years away!

Niffler25 · 16/02/2019 19:56

This works for me at the moment. I have a DS (7) and have been with my boyfriend for three years. They have met and get on well but I keep my life with my son and my life with my boyfriend separate most of the time. My ex and I are very amicable and we share care of DS 60/40 which makes this fairly easy to do as I just spend time with my boyfriend when DS is with his dad. I imagine it would be more difficult for people who have problems with their ex.

Living apart suits us both better. I don't really want to live together/get married/have more kids (with anyone!) I enjoy my life as it is and we both like our own space to an extent. We do also work together though so spend more than enough time together as it is Grin.

I think the key to a successful relationship is doing whatever works best for the two people involved, which will vary for everyone.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 19:58

@FissionChip5 Well if you ever met my ex you'd probably think he was Dad of The Year. The courts did, hence 50:50 shared custody. He had me fooled like everybody else, it wasn't just naivety trust me!

PlinkPlink · 16/02/2019 20:16

It really depends on how well you gel together and your own boundaries.

DP and I moved in together 7 months in. I found out I was pregnant the night we moved in.

We love living together and we get on so well. We've been very lucky I think. Been together 3 years now 🤩

So, to reiterate, it entirely depends on how much you want to live together, how well you get on (do you get irritated by the small stuff?) and what your own boundaries are.

noego · 16/02/2019 20:21

I know people that have been together 25 + years and don't live with each other.
I also know people that are married and don't live together.
I'm the same. Don't see a problem personally.
It's call LAT. Living apart together.
Its unconventional, but if it works for you then it works for you.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 20:22

@PlinkPlink
Phew! I was beginning to think I was the only one who moved in together quickly! So pleased for you and congrats on the little one 😊
I've been with fiance for two years in May. Last year was probably one of the worst of my life with some devastating news and also lost my job, but I am so grateful to have the love and support I do now 😊

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 20:30

If I had 10p for every one of these 'D'P' moved in and now it turns out he's a shit bag but of course I'm pregnant (x2 or more) because I just have to have a baby with every 'partner' and I also packed in FT work to take care of kids because D'P' earns more and now I have no money' threads I'd be rich.

Yup yup yup. They always follow the same script too. So very predictable and you can see it happening, you can warn them, you tell them exactly how it will end and still they plough on with throwing their DCs into the shitstorm.