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Original poster

Is not living together the key to a successful relationship?

151 replies

SheRaa · 16/02/2019 13:21

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we have both previously experienced horrible relationship issues & nasty breakups.

We both have kids & are keen to protect them & not impact their lives negatively.

It is early days for us but we keep coming back to the conversation that perhaps long term dating is the best way to maintain a good relationship rather than the generally natural progression of moving in / becoming a family etc.

I’m very back & forth about the idea - obviously no rush to make a decision but just wondered what others think of this as the best way of preserving a good relationship?

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 20:34

It would be wonderful to have a biological child together.

No. It would be exactly the same as when you had DCs with your ex. Exhausting, boring, a slog, arguments over how little he takes to do with the baby and then child. Having a baby with a new partner isn’t about doing something wonderful. It’s about making your mark on each other’s and proving to the world how this is the right relationship and this one’s for keeps and you are so committed to each other. And of course babies are cute.

Redtartanshoes · 16/02/2019 20:39

Friend and we’re talking about this earlier. We are still conditioned as a society to believe that “settling down” is the Etopia. It doesn’t need to be.

People move in together too soon in an attempt to prove to others/save money/create the perfect family. It creates a stress on relationships that most don’t need.

You can love someone and be committed to them without having to live together, so their washing or share a bed every night

MissSmith80 · 16/02/2019 20:41

A really good friend of mine has been 'dating' her OH for 5 years - he moved house to be nearer to each other so he can come around for the evening, have a drink and walk home but they have no desire to live together. They are both sure that they love each other very much but don't want to share each other's space. It absolutely works for them

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 16/02/2019 20:49

I have two children by my ex P who are 8 and 6 and I’ve been with my current P for four years. He has no children. We still don’t live together- even though I’m now pregnant with his child :-) he stays at mine 4-5 nights a week and probably when the baby is born he will either up it to 7 nights or move in completely (ie sell or rent his house) but to be honest the current arrangement suits all of us! Having your own space is healthy I think.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 20:52

when the baby is born he will either up it to 7 nights or move in completely

How is upping it to 7 nights not moving in completely? Confused

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 20:54

@ILoveMaxiBondi That's a very cynical way of viewing having a family?

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 20:56

How many of you have the "Disney" family (or at least, aspire to?) Life doesn't always work that way.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 20:56

Or realistic. Come on, you’ve had two already, you know the realities of having and raising children. It isn’t magical. No matter how much you want it to be.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 20:57

How many of you have the "Disney" family (or at least, aspire to?) Life doesn't always work that way.

That’s exactly the point everyone is making. There is no Disney life. No mater how much you thing this guy is a Disney Prince.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 21:01

@t would be wonderful to have a biological child together.

No. It would be exactly the same as when you had DCs with your ex. Exhausting, boring, a slog, arguments over how little he takes to do with the baby and then child
No. It would be exactly the same as when you had DCs with your ex. Exhausting, boring, a slog, arguments over how little he takes to do with the baby and then child.

Nope, was never the case in my marriage. I loved being a mummy (after losing a baby) and my ex was an excellent daddy to both boys when they were small. I don't see how you can make these judgements and generalisations? My marriage didn't fail because ex didn't help with his sons because he absolutely did.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 21:02

Oops - I meant @ILoveMaxiBondi

wellit · 16/02/2019 21:08

I don't live with my bf (we used to but it didn't work out) so I now live with our child.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 21:09

Grin wow. You had perfect babies that slept all the time and never misbehaved. Lucky you.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 21:13

No. My second born was seriously ill at birth and had hearing loss as a result. But having lost a baby I treasured every single moment and realised that they would only be small for such a short time. We had children because they were much wanted, not because it was "just the done thing to do." I have no regrets and yes, it was a magical time.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 21:20

And you’d risk that again just because your new partner doesn’t have children?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 21:20

And how on earth can it have been magical when your child was seriously ill?

Mmmmbrekkie · 16/02/2019 21:31

Everyone should check out Ella1980 history

She’s making our life is rosy. Previous threads indicate otherwise

FissionChip5 · 16/02/2019 21:41

Why are you making out like he’s all perfect when previous threads of your say otherwise Ella?Confused

Grow up and put your children first.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 21:45

I've been with fiance for two years in May.

On a thread posted a few weeks ago you said you’ve been with him 2.5 years.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 16/02/2019 21:45

and my ex was an excellent daddy to both boys when they were small. I don't see how you can make these judgements and generalisations? My marriage didn't fail because ex didn't help with his sons because he absolutely did.

Yet it's your belief that the court is in error for having awarded him 50/50 custody and that people's idea that he's Dad of the Year is incorrect. Which is it?

MistressDeeCee · 16/02/2019 22:27

It depends I suppose. I've been with DP 6 years and we don't live together.

I've been married before and already know deep down I'm just not particularly interested in living with a man. It's too full-on for me.

DP lives 20 minutes away with his son (20). I live with my DCs, who are a bit older.

Me & DP see each other regularly, socialise and holiday and have a hobby together. Our DCs know each other.

Id feel different if I were young, wanted children etc tho. But this set up suits us. & our DCs are grown ups with their own social lives so we get our alone time.

He's out tonight, I didn't fancy it had a long day at work. I'm here in bone-idle mode with a takeaway and wine, will Netflix binge a bit later. I like my downtime alone as much as I like being with him. I'm going to a friend's birthday lunch tomorrow then we'll see each other after that.

Everyone is different tho, we do what suits so, you need to find the page you're both on and go with that. The 'best' way is what suits both people.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:38

We were friends for 6 months before entering into a relationship; hence 2.5 years.
Well it depends how you see it. When my sons were born ex was besotted with them. Mostly because he'd got his heir and spare. But then I was surplus to requirements and he became very emotionally and financially abusive. So much so that I wanted to end my life but knew I had to keep strong for my kids. I left him and suffered massively as a result. Cafcass/courts were not interested in the abuse I had been subjected to for years because it wasn't physical. They therefore ruled that he wasn't a bad father and so when ex applied for full custody they split it straight down the middle. I think slowly things are changing now in terms of recognising coercive control etc.
So the question is does the fact that he treated me so horifically mean he's a poor parent? To me, yes. I still have to deal with a lot of attempts of Parental Alienation, aided on his part by the fact that he lives a far more comfotable and well-off lifestyle than we can afford. Again, does a reasonable dad live in a exec five-bed family home with four bathrooms while his ex lives in a damp two-bed with the children for half of the time?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:39

That sounds perfect to me mistress

ILoveMaxiBondi · 16/02/2019 22:40

Oh yes I see what you mean by “magical” Ella.

Ella1980 · 16/02/2019 22:45

I have always put my children first. They have a secure and happy home here with family that love them and are allowed to have contact with them. Yes it's had its ups and downs and it's a big struggle financially but by God it's a happier life than it ever was when they were living with myself and ex.