Is not living together the key to a successful relationship?

[SheRaa]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, we have both previously experienced horrible relationship issues & nasty breakups.

We both have kids & are keen to protect them & not impact their lives negatively.

It is early days for us but we keep coming back to the conversation that perhaps long term dating is the best way to maintain a good relationship rather than the generally natural progression of moving in / becoming a family etc.

I’m very back & forth about the idea - obviously no rush to make a decision but just wondered what others think of this as the best way of preserving a good relationship?

I was single for five years before they met anybody else. I didn't just go from leaving ex to being in a new relationship!

Tbf to ex, it was about three years before he got a new gf.

Ella, I understand your frustration and anger at the situation as went through similar. The journey to recovery is long and if you want PM me as I have found good sources that helped me heal. I had expensive therapy which validated what I went through but there is a credible theory that revisiting our trauma only helps to reinforce it. The focus must be on healing which is difficult to do when you are negotiating a newish relationship with the demands that it brings.
Even with the best intentions most people don't have the resources to balance healing, physical and emotional demands of children, an intimate relationship and work. Something or someone has to give.

I think posters are trying to be supportive but they can read/see your vulnerability through your posts, which could make you a further target for predatory men. Perhaps if your partner supports you financially you might miss some red flags.

I really hope he is one of the good guys but until we let go of anger from the past we are potentially unable to have strong boundaries. Ex was a convert narcisstic I had no idea such a person existed and my boundaries were weak despite my outward appearance. I would just encourage you to get strong and back to financial independence, be watchful for any behaviours and have strong boundaries.

It really isn't a good idea to move someone in quickly as you just don't know them well enough and the children don't really have a voice. They often know if mum is vulnerable, a child I know felt that by the new partner moving in it meant "he would stick around and that meant they could afford the house". Nothing had been directly said but that was their interpretation.

Aw thanks @lifebegins50.
Well I'd never, ever want a wealthy man again that's for sure! Too much control!
But I don't think that after five years of being single and building my life back up entirely independently I was wrong to move on?
The usual case in my relationship now is my fiance is the slightly lower earner. He lives with me but I remain sole name on the Tenancy Agreement. We have our own bank accounts but agree every month how to share bills etc. It's never caused an issue.

I personally think 5 months isn't enough time to have gotten to know your partner. I think you should wait one year at least before having him live with you and in the meantime get to know him. He might not be compatible with your kids and that's an important factor

We were friends for six months prior to entering a relationship 😊

You can't all have been wary of men at all times if you have children, my guess is you probably lived with a guy at some point in the past?

It’s not being “wary of men” it’s been cautious with what you put your children through. If I was a lesbian I would be just as cautious. New relationships shouldn’t involve children because there is such a high chance of things not working out and becoming unpleasant. Also, no-one knows anyone well enough after 6 months to say they are ok to live with their children. They just don’t. You included. You took a big risk.

Likewise, a biological father can present a risk. Just because you have known someone for many years doesn't mean you really truly know them. Look at the number of people that have affairs and the like after many years of marriage.

Likewise, a biological father can present a risk.

Yeah, which is why you don’t (or shouldn’t) have children with them 5 months into dating.

Well fair enough if you meet your partner with lots of fertile years ahead of you etc...

No, sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to jump into having a child with someone you barely know. Children aren’t compulsory. You already have two. Having a child with a new partner because you are 38 and this may be your last chance is irresponsible. But it’s all making sense why you’ve moved this guy into your home so quickly.

i am almost divorced and would love a relationship. by relationship i mean one described earlier in the thread, Living Apart Together.

I would dearly like come companionship, a sex life etc but equally, and more importantly, don't want a replacement parent for my kids.

They have their dad, although active parenting is done by me mostly. (their dad is a funtime Frankie) . I feel very strongly that i want to provide for them myself, and protect for them what little i do have.

My dd would love me to meet someone - she's 16. She wants me to be happy. But, she has no concept of what that might mean for her and her siblings, the youngest of whom is 8.

My kids aren't baggage, I don't want anyone 'taking them on' therefore my life as a 42 year old divorcee and my life as a mother will remain very separate.

This seems to have turned into a thread about a different person and a different subject?

If you can afford two homes in the long term, and if you don't want a family, there's no particular reason to move in together. I know a couple who've been doing this for a dozen or so years. I've been with my bf for 2 years and have recently moved into and decked out a flat that would be far too small for us both. He has a 9-year-old and it's great for her, not to have her dad's gf hanging around all the time. (My children are adults.) Neither of us wants to live together. We've got to know each other slowly and are both still happy to see each other when we meet up; neither of us has got bored of the 45-minute trip yet. The couple who are doing this permanently just live 5 minutes away from one another.

@ILoveMaxiBondi We'll agree to disagree. You clearly think I'm over trusting (having had two serious relationships by the age of 38) and I don't think you perhaps trust enough (marriage comment etc). I'm assuming you were with your partner a long time before you had children but it clearly didn't go according to plan if they have no contact. Ateotd we never truly know how our lives are going to pan out.

@Ella honestly, you've seen first hand and lived with an abusive man, who, in your own words, was wonderful for the first 3 years and was a brilliant father in the early years. Therefore you absolutely should have been wary entering a new relationship with another man. Did you discuss with your kids before he moved in, and whether they were happy with the idea?

You also say your partner is the lower earner, yet you don't work?

Focus on the kids you have before entertaining the notion of having more with a man you do not know.

Yes, we were friends for six months before we started dating. The boys were fine with this as I had been single for five years.

I unexpectedly lost my job for the first time in my professional life at the end of December. Through no fault of my own. Bad stuff happens sometimes unfortunately. Looking desperately again for work.

And like I've said many times before, we're not thinking of more kids currently!!!

I'm assuming you were with your partner a long time before you had children but it clearly didn't go according to plan if they have no contact.

Baby 1 I was with him 11 months when I got pregnant. Had never lived with him. Didn’t know him well enough at all. Shouldn’t have been having his baby.

Baby 2 (same father) far more stupid. I knew him far better, convinced myself it would be different this time. Definitely shouldn’t have been having another baby with him.

I don’t regret my kids but I sure as hell regret making such a shit choice in father for them. I could have saved them a whole lifetime of heartache if I’d made better decisions before they were conceived.

I regret my kid's bio dad too. And this was a man I was with for many, many years! I thought being with someone for a long time would mean I knew them and that they were a good person-how wrong I was!

So you’ve gone the complete opposite way and decided it’s a risk either way so i’ll Just move him in after 5 months. Yes you can know someone for years and then after kids they change, but you still stand a far better chance of spotting that stuff the longer you are with them. 5 months just isn’t long enough.

Weirdly full-on thread hijacking!

Shame, as the subject would have interested me. OP, maybe start a new thread?

@ILoveMaxiBondi Although you yourself were pregnant very early on in a new relationship? This personally isn't something I'd consider. All about different points of view again.

Although you yourself were pregnant very early on in a new relationship?

Yes and it was a big mistake! That’s what I said in my post!

My ideal was to le next door to my husband. I never much wanted to do the marriage/family thing anyway, and said that I would only consider it if we could live in separate places.

Reaality makes that hard as I married at about the same time that house prices rocketed. We were lucky in that we have ONE between us.

I'd still like to do it. If I win the Lottery I'll suggest it to dh. I'll live in themiddle of London, he can have a place in the middle of nowhere, and maybe we'll also get some thing in a suburb as a compromise, where we can meet f2f once a week or so