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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Debt and my husband have fucked our future

370 replies

Smidgen15 · 15/02/2019 22:57

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

OP posts:
stopitandtidyupp · 17/02/2019 23:25

Well done and Thank you for coming back to update. Very Brave.

Light bulb moment well and truly on.

dellacucina · 17/02/2019 23:29

Well done, OP! It takes a lot of character to recognise when you have made a mistake and to commit to changing your habits for the better!

Burlea · 17/02/2019 23:36

Well done OP, you know that you needed to change your habit of using CC. Good luck with your life. I'm sure you understand that it might be one step forward and 2 back, but with determination you both can succeed. Flowers

explodingkitten · 17/02/2019 23:57

I'm so glad that you are taking such good steps to resolve this OP. You can turn it around for sure! I know that you see some posts as ear bashing but the advice is meant to help you and sometimes people get through to other people by being quite blunt. It's unpleasant to read but if it gives you a better life then it was worth it. The more people are invested, the more they want you to change your life for the better. You sound like you have a good plan. As I wrote upthread, the time will pass anyway no matter what you do. By sticking to your plan you will get into a much healthier financial situation. I feel so relieved for you. You sound like a strong woman at heart, please keep it so. Good luck.

CloudyTuesday · 18/02/2019 05:59

What a great update. Well done op. The austerity will be worth it as you see the debt come down. £200 pm each for fuel and spends sounds do-able.

BatsAreCool · 18/02/2019 06:01

I am so glad to see your last post. Taking control is such a positive step. It will take time and hard work but you can both get yourselves out of debt and trust me that is a good feeling.

Robin2323 · 18/02/2019 06:19

Well done op.
I've know a few people do this - and never looked back!
Good luck Thanks

LifeBeginsNow · 18/02/2019 07:16

Just a suggestion with your current plan, but can you work out the difference from incomings to outgoings and move that to a saving account (maybe leave a little as a buffer)? I've done that and it's so satisfying seeing the money go up and up. I'm waiting until I can see the full balance of what's needed and then transferring it. I do check my account daily though just in case I miss any transactions and it pushes me over. My new addiction has become seeing the savings account grow. It's going to be sad to clear it out ready for the next debt but if I don't do it this way, we won't get anywhere by just hoping the money in the account will stay where it is each month. Good luck! It's a very painful process being in debt and takes over your waking thoughts.

OneOf · 18/02/2019 07:31

Well done for taking control.

You have taken a sensible decision, despite the emotional pull you are feeling, so kudos to you Smile.

DaphneduM · 18/02/2019 07:44

Very well done. You are being very mature and taken the first step in improving your situation.

LizzieSiddal · 18/02/2019 08:02

Flowers you’ve made a brilliant start, time will whizz by and you’ll soon be out of debt if you stick to your plan.

Janecon · 18/02/2019 08:06

Well done OP and thanks for making the time to update us. Best of luck for the future.

diplodocusinermine · 18/02/2019 08:11

Onwards and upwards- you’ll start to see a dent in the debt in no time and it will be such a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Do look at MSE forums - there are some brilliant posters on there and they’re so helpful.

Good luck.

HotpotLawyer · 18/02/2019 08:21

Well done OP.
Plan for what you have, not around what you hope for (more OT for DH for e.g) and you will stay in control and stable.
Good luck!

Capricornandproud · 18/02/2019 08:22

OP I haven’t read the full thread but for me this is a no brainer. I would absolutely be going ahead with one more attempt at IVF.

Couple the world over have got themselves INTO debt to try and conceive through IVF, you wouldn’t be any different to them by adding to your debt.

I would absolutely start making plans for managing to clear the debt and that also has to be with your hubby taking the lead. To be honest he sounds pathetic and inept (I too had an incredibly ‘sensitive’ husband who, funnily enough, couldn’t hold on to a fiver) so he needs to get a short, sharp shock from this. Let him bloody cry, so what!

You have the rest of your life to service these loans. You only have a short window to go for the IVF. How were you going to manage paying for the IVF???

burritofan · 18/02/2019 08:31

Amazing update! Getting clear of debt will, genuinely, improve your life. Sounds like a great plan. Some other little things you can do:
– transfer little bits to savings to keep your account at a round figure. Ie if you have £43.22, transfer the £3.22. Aim to do it once a week. It's only a little but it adds up
– You Need A Budget app/site is great for planning where your money goes in advance, rather than looking back on where it went, IYSWIM
– coin jar! Empty your wallet of coppers and 5ps daily and take to the bank when full. (Don't use the machines at supermarkets, which take a cut)
– if you've got old currency from holidays, even coins and obsolete currency, there are places online that will buy them
– Music Magpie and similar for CDs, DVDs, books

Obviously none of these will touch the sides of big debt; but they will take the edge off the tightness of the monthly budget and allow you to breathe a little. And as the debt gets paid down, the more you have going spare the more you can pay off and it starts to feel doable more quickly.

LoubyLou1234 · 18/02/2019 08:36

Great that you have a plan and have worked together. He needs to be completely on board for it to work.

I grew up with a family that relied on credit, I thought it was the norm. For a lot of people it is. I ended up in a little debt and learned the hard way and paid it all back until my early 30s. My now partner hates credit but loves to save. Now I've not had credit for years and save monthly. It's a great feeling seeing money in a savings account. Good luck!!

WrenNatsworthy · 18/02/2019 08:38

Well done OP.
I remember having to do the same thing - but we have survived it, and been happy.
Not worrying about debt and having a sensible budget took so much pressure off us.

Calzone · 18/02/2019 08:44

Capricorn RTFT 😡😡😡

peachgreen · 18/02/2019 09:14

Well done OP. You can do this.

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 18/02/2019 13:30

As if he just spent nearly a fiver on a gregs sausage roll, a drink and a chocolate bar 😭
Im beyond frustrated

OP posts:
Original poster
Smidgen15 · 18/02/2019 13:31

Apparently he was hungry...

But guess what so am i! There is bread at home, and fucking water!

OP posts:
stopitandtidyupp · 18/02/2019 13:38

He does need to get on board op.

He needs his LBM.

RandomMess · 18/02/2019 13:46

I'm sure CAP (Christians Against Poverty) run courses for people who are basically sh*t with money/sticking to a budget - I suggest you make him go on one!

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 13:54

Something tells me he's been feckless with money his entire life and feels entitled to treats and not having to live within his means.

He needs to be fully on board or you stand to be eternally frustrated and never debt free.