Debt and my husband have fucked our future

[Smidgen15]

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

That £5 comes out of his personal £200 spends, not the family budget. Don't sweat it because you'll get frustrated and angry and want to give up. Just point out he's now got £195 to live off for a month and if he buys a £5 lunch every day for the next 30 days, he'll only have £45 left for fuel and any personal items.

But he has discretionary spending, right? Like you do? If he wants to spend a fiver on a Greggs out of his own ‘fun money’ that’s down to him.

But he can spend his personal spends on whatever he wants, surely?

I agree with burritofan. Make it clear that it comes from his personal funds and then give him the freedom to spend it as he wishes. He needs to learn that his funds aren't unlimited.

i am with payplan doing a dmp and its great - all my creditors have frozen the interest.

Yeah, its within his £200 spends but for him to do this on his first full day of setting the budget, it doesnt leave me with much hope.

But you can't say "you have £200 to spend on whatever you want" and then come along the next day and say "but you can't spend it on that".

If he spends it all on Greggs that's his choice. He'll learn - but you have to let him make his own mistakes.

How are the spends/budget organised? Is it a joint account? You might want to think about separating accounts for now, setting up direct debits and standing orders etc for necessities, and ensuring his £200 can't be overspent – I.e. he doesn't have access to your £200 as well, or money that's earmarked for rent/bills/groceries. So he can't Greggs his way through £200 then start eating into your spending money.

OP, make sure the cards you’ve consolidated and paid off are completely cancelled - not just cut up, but the accounts cancelled. Get your credit files, you’ll have to pay a monthly DD but insist you both share them monthly so he’s not tempted to sneak more cards.

Could you go to an IVF clinic that gives reduced fees / free round in exchange for egg sharing? I know a few women who’ve done this, plus they get to help someone else.

In terms of owning a house, given your joint income, could you get a mortgage and include the loan in that? I guess you’d need a deposit for this these days though which clearly you don’t have, and at his age it might be impossible depending on the cost of houses where you live.

Adaline -why does this boil down to being my fault! I didnt have a sausage roll and a chocolate bar... my point is that £5 could have got him a loaf of bread, beans etc... an actual meal... not shit that will fill him up for all of 5 mins! Its just poor choices.

By any means im not reformed, but geez, i get it now.

We have separate bank accounts anyway and he doesnt eat well so we have always done food sesperate too, i will cook, sometimes he has some, most of the time he doesnt.

Sinkgirl, we did egg share before but im now over the age limit for my local and chosen clinic.
The IVF decision has been made, even if we got handed a free cycle... its clear we couldnt afford another baby.

Cooking separate meals really can’t be cost effective, especially if he’s eating processed junk. I would gradually try to phase out separate meals - don’t completely cut him off from junk food or he will only sneak out and blow his money on it, but maybe a compromise (5 joint meals a week, two where he can have what he wants etc).

People manage with two children on less - I’m sure it’s cheaper than having twins like I did as at least you don’t need two of everything, can reuse all the expensive items, wear handmedowns etc. How long do you have to repay the loan? Obviously you’d have the best part of a year before the baby is born, and it sounds like you’d have family help for childcare. I wouldn’t rule it out assuming he can be responsible with money over the next six months, and every spare penny is saved.

There’s a savings service that takes excess funds from your current account and puts them into savings, based on what you usually spend and your direct debits. Have a good clear out at home and figure out what you could sell - when I was pregnant we had a massive clearout on eBay and I got around £3k. If you have a hundred things in your house that could sell for an average of £10, that’s £1k to pay off or use towards IVF. I’d definitely be looking into ways of making some extra cash outside of working hours for him or for you. Even if you do this for a year it will help.

I went bankrupt when I was in my early 20s (I got into huge trouble with living costs at university and then spent nearly a year doing minimum wage jobs before I got a decent job). It was the best thing I ever did but my age meant it was off my credit file by the time I was 30, and we bought our first house when I was 34. At his age it would likely prevent him from buying a house ever since he’ll be at retirement age before it goes off his file (and even then you still have to declare it to most lenders) and given hour income you would have to make monthly payments anyway. I didn’t as I was earning a pittance.

I definitely wouldn’t recommend bankruptcy in your situation but I think you should live as though you are bankrupt. Have one joint account for all direct debits and pay in exactly what you need. Then each of you has a basic current account with no proper debit card - spend a year doing everything in cash, it’s then a lot harder to spend it frivolously or make online purchases. Take out the cash you need each week, put the rest into savings. It feels good to see the savings pot growing and that alone is incentive not to spend much as you won’t want to take it out.

Jesus wept, the OP has done more than her share, Sink. She's his wife not his mother, all this policing what he eats and her coordinating hte meals is just more responsibility on her shoulders whilst he's taking none.

She's already said they cannot afford the IVF. And at any rate, it's not a guarantee it will work. They might need more than one cycle. It's a moot point.

I'd keep my finances as separate as I could, OP, because he's not showing signs of reforming his attitude towards money despite talking the talk.

We dont really do separate meals as such... he doesnt really eat... then binges. He mainly has 1 small meal a day like cheese sandwiches or Beans on toast and thats it. He probably eats a proper meal once or twice a week. He clearly has issues with food too as ive said for years.

Its clear we have BOTH been doing this for years and its caught up with us... right at the nick of time.

In 5 years, we both will be debt free. I aim to have saved money then too, alot. However, in order for us to buy a house, given his age, we would have to have an outstanding amount for a deposit... and realistically its not something we can save for... so we will save what we can.

As regards to managing our money, im at a loss of how. My husband gets paid every 2 weeks and its proving hard to manage. I get paid every 4 weeks.
Currently, until i can start thinking clearly, we are staying well away from his bank account, let the money come in and go out. Only take out the money for childcare and his £200 spends and leave it be... they is enough money for all of his outgoings and to save. So thats how it will be until we can work something out.
I was thinking of moving all his DD's to the same day every month to make things easier. But thats all i have at the mo.

The changes ive made are little, like no more shopping at Tesco for my meats, only fruit and veg and i will go to Aldi for the rest... ive told hubby no more meals out for a while... then once we are back on our feet, we can go out together, as a family once a month. If we fancy a pizza, we will buy a shop bought one, instead of dominoes etc. I have loads of baby stuff in the loft, trouble is, when selling on FB pages, alot of people want stuff for nothing.
But a PP said my husband has probably been like this for all his life.... its scary because i think he has, and i havent even noticed. Ive never been good with money either.
I remember he always had a set amount in his bank and he would never go under it, even if he needed something, he would wait until he got paid. He also didnt have credit. I fear i have done this to him.
Feel disheartened today 😪

Uh, excuse me, but where did I say it was your fault?

If he has £200 for personal spends then you can't dictate what he spends it on. If he wants to spend £5 on Greggs that's entirely his business. If he carries on and runs out of money then that's also his business and he's the one who'll have to deal with the consequences.

To be honest Taim... we have lived so long having our finances seperate, i wouldnt even know where to begin in merging...

My husband is 55 and should know (as i should) to manage money. Ive taken his bank card of him, ordered a new one for spends, changed paypal and ebay password and will be checking his bank statements every month, sorted all this mess out and organised a loan and helped him pay all his creditors off. Im not sure what else im to do
He is relying on me to help him.... who have i got?

Adaline - but it wont just he him that deals with the consequences will it? It will be me and my son as well.
The fact is, i feel i can dictate to him what he spends it on considering he hasnt even filled his car up or got any food for himself....

However the food thing may have to change and we buy together, or he tells me what he wants because ive always said, our food situation is totally weird.

I'm an only child and love it. Your son will be fine. Don't have a second child for him.

Smidgen, it will be hard if he's not on board. I would let him spend his £200 on whatever this month, then if he blows it and has nothing left by the end of week one, not your circus (except of course, it is .

Would it be better to do £50 per week rather than the full £200 in one lump maybe?

When DH and I were saving for a deposit, we used to get paid about 10 days apart - me on 21st of month and DH on last day of month. We had a joint account, and the day my salary was paid in, we moved the account balance immediately before my salary was paid in straight over to a savings account - same when DH's salary was paid in. We managed to save more than we ever thought we would be able to.

We were fairly strict with ourselves and DH was 100% on board - although he had never particularly been a saver before we got together; he was perfectly capable of saving for a specific thing, like a holiday or a car etc, but never just to have 'savings'. I, on the other hand, come from a family where you save for everything!

Try not to get too downhearted - you've taken the first step. I think you're being incredibly brave and I really hope your DH realises this is a wake up call he needs to heed.

And I know I keep banging on about the MSE boards, but some of the people on there are inspirational - they will make you feel as if it's all worthwhile, and they will be able to help you to keep going when you don't feel as if you can.

Thanks Dip...

Sounds like i need a hubby like yours!

Perhaps my hubby will see where i was coming from. It soon escalated into a nasty argument... we rarely argue so its clear its getting to us both.

What is MSE?

My sister had a mortgage on a little cottage, had IVF and had triplets. Soon, with 3, she got in serious dept and went on a DMP. 4 years on, she has just moved into a bigger house and it so tight for money, she is now a super saver and has no debts at all... she currently is my inspiration

MSE is money saving expert. There is a wealth of advive, forums, diaries and experiences of people in lots of different scenarios.

This one for example.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5601858

However the food thing may have to change and we buy together, or he tells me what he wants because ive always said, our food situation is totally weird.

I wouldn't mother or police him anymore than you already have. He'll never learn that way and ffs, he's 55 years old. He sounds totally irresponsible, hasn't even filled up his car or bought himself food? It's all well and good giving him £50/week for spends (each of you get the same amount) but if he blows it then you're right, he'll whinge, borrow off you or well, he racked up £7k debt behind your back.

You're done as much as you can but honestly I'd just keep finances as separate as possible because he's not on board.