Debt and my husband have fucked our future

[Smidgen15]

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

He is very upset. He cried down the phone to me earlier. He is so sensitive OP. Really? He has done something wrong, he's been caught, of course he's going to be upset its nothing to do with being sensitive!

There's a budget planner on the Step Change site. Don't do anything till you have had advice on Monday. Sadly I think that advice is going to say you cannot spend any money on treatment.

I just think 55 is way too old to have a baby. I'm 40 and couldn't think of anything worse!

It's his credit cards... none of your business surely?

I just think 55 is way too old to have a baby. I'm 40 and couldn't think of anything worse!

He might be on his second or third family with grandkids running about but how attractive is a 55-year-old guy with tons of debt, toys like drones who's still dossing around in a rental house with a hire car?

I would just get into more debt and have the baby.

You don't say how old you are but I think your ds needs a sibling as he is likely to be dealing with elderly parents and losing his parents at a young age. A sibling could help with this.

I think if you're in debt at 55 and not a homeowner then throw caution to the wind.

Travis haha speak for yourself! 😂

Op please don't do as previous poster suggested, to see your bank. Your bank's only interest will be to flog you a consolidation loan which will lead to more debt because you have not addressed the real problem.

Can i just add that Stepchange, CAP and other debt charities WILL NOT judge you the way some on here have. Good luck

I actually went and asked my 54 year dh if we had just met would he want / have a baby with me.
Thinking he'd said no BUT he said yes ( we have 23 yr old ds)

I would just get into more debt and have the baby.

You don't say how old you are but I think your ds needs a sibling as he is likely to be dealing with elderly parents and losing his parents at a young age. A sibling could help with this.

I think if you're in debt at 55 and not a homeowner then throw caution to the wind.

Marel87, that is one of the most selfish posts I’ve ever seen on MN. I’m struggling to believe this was written in good faith. Shame on you.

The OP has had some really sound advice on this thread, to discuss finances and a way forward with her DH, to monitor spending, to cut up cards, several people, including some who actually work in the industry or for debt charities have told the OP that it is pretty much unheard of for companies to add interest on a DMP, and that with careful managing, these debts are in no way insurmountable,
Posters have told her that she doesn't have to spend money on her little boy for him to have a fabulous and loving childhood.

But, she is putting all the blame on her DH, bemoaning that her son will not have a good childhood because of lack of money, and doesn't seem to be willing to take her head out of the sand. And complaining about not being able to afford IVF when they spent £10K on a wedding having already been through IVF to conceive their son. Surely if you know you will need IVF to conceive your second longed for child, you get married in a registry office and spend the £10K on the IVF.

Often, people who have conceived naturally, have to make the decision that they will only have one child due to financial constraints.

I know the OP came on to have a moan, but saying 'there, there, love, just have the IVF, don't worry about the debt, carry on with the takeaways etc', is not really helping - imagine the thread in a couple of years when she has 2 children and debt.

And saying she should have a 2nd so her son has a sibling to help with their parent's care in 20 years is just .

I believe Marel was being ironic! Seriously, though, that is pretty much what it boils down to. That said, we all have free will and human emotions and aspirations. OP is entitled to live her life as she sees fit, but I hope the advice given here may be helpful.

And saying she should have a 2nd so her son has a sibling to help with their parent's care in 20 years is just sad.

And also the salient point that IVF isn't a guarantee of having another child at all.

And saying she should have a 2nd so her son has a sibling to help with their parent's care in 20 years is just sad.

Having a child doesn't guarantee that they will have anything to do with your 'care' when you are older either. I agree, not only is it sad thing to say it's also daft to think that is what children are for. They may grow up and move half way round the world for all they know.

Providing financial stability should be an important consideration. The OP and her DH cannot provide that right now let alone with several more thousand pounds of debt and a spending habit that is out of control.

OP, how old are you?

Do you and your DH have adequate private pension provision, or will you need to rely on the state pension in future?

As I understand it, you rent, so you will have this overhead in retirement.

Given your DH's age, and irrespective of the debt question, you may want to factor in your future financial profile, and whether you can fully support another child into adulthood.

And then take the sensible advice of others on here about tackling your debts.

I really don’t understand the IVF dilemma here 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d understand if you were half way through treatment, committed the cost, and worrying about mat leave drop in income.

This IVF is not “now or never” as you have said.

So your husband is 55? Fuck all difference between 55 and 56 in success rates.

So go and spend a year sorting out your marriage and your finances. If that goes well for you - have the IVF.

You need to take the IVF out of it for now - you have other priorities, and you need to stop catastrophising when you simply need to WAIT. Given the drone and the camera and the expensive wedding, waiting isn’t something that comes easily to either of you... but you can learn.

Go speak to Stepchange.
If you both can change your financial attitude (and you can) then have IVF next year.

Why is it a selfish thing to say!?

I think having a sibling would be very unselfish. Poor child having to deal with elderly parents and their problems alone as a young adult. Having a sibling would be very helpful to the ds in this circumstance.

Really? You can’t see?

You’re basically encouraging a woman who is in an enormous amount of debt and can’t afford to buy her existing child a bed and has a husband who is economical with the truth to go forward and have a baby as a means to an end! Not have a baby because she can provide for the child and give it a decent life, but have it as a tool to help her existing son cope with the future. Kids aren’t tools. You don’t have a baby to make someone else’s life easier when you can’t even provide for them!

Not to mention the sheer stupidity of assuming two siblings will definitely be close and get along just because they’re related. Which many of us will tell you is frequently false. Even if she had a baby and the two kids grew up as close friends it’d be wrong to have a child in this mess for that reason. But when that’s not even a guarantee it’s preposterous. I just can’t believe you’re not being facetious for the sake of it.

You’re basically encouraging a woman who is in an enormous amount of debt and can’t afford to buy her existing child a bed and has a husband who is economical with the truth to go forward and have a baby as a means to an end

More like, spend thousands of pounds they don't have and will have to get into more debt for to have a procedure which might result in a pregnancy that goes to term but also have a significant chance of being unsuccessful. It's not at all a given there'll be a sibling but there will definitely be debt from the attempt.

Im 34.

Ive had time to think...

Ive been so irresponsible. Head was very much in the sand and this has scared the shit out of me.
So, many of you wont agree with this but due to my husbands age, we decided, after talking to payplan that the best for us was to get a consolidated loan. We want to protect his credit rating.
We got a loan for just under what we owed on our debts and paid the rest with a little of the savings we had (for the IVF)
Its dawned on me that this needed to happen. We were living in cookoo land to even consider IVF at this stage.
The clinic has been notified and all debts have been paid off.
The drone has just been sold, its getting collected on saturday.
We have cut all the cards up, cancelled all DD that wasnt needed and worked out what his outgoings are.
Ive told hubby that he has £200 a month to live on for his fuel and spends...
Ive also limited myself to £200 a month. Any money left over (which their be) will be left well alone.
Ive changed the password on ebay.
Ive told him that we are hanging on by the skin of our teeth and if we do major cutbacks, we can turn this around...
We cant fuck this up. Im scared though, i will admit, its going to be hard.
But, i HAVE been relying on credit my whole life and this is why i am at the point now. Its a joke.
Husband is unlikely to retire, or not until late but it all depends on what happens from now. He does have a pension.

Please no more ear bashing, its been a sad and stressful day today but i know ive done the right thing. Now to start adjusting.
This is the first weekend in a very long time we have not spent any money... start as we mean to go on.

Thanks

Sorry for typos...

Well done OP really glad you've chatted and sorted things out and are moving forward. A big wake up call yes, but onwards and upwards now. Hope it all works out for you.

Well done Smidgen15 (& Mr S). Good idea to each have a fund for your own spending money. The 1st few months will be hard but you will soon feel the benefit of better financial control.