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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

658 replies

Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 06:35

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:08

Tabulahrasa I have to go back to the UK for my maternity care I can't just go when I'm about to give birth and expect them to treat me. DH has made it clear we can't afford to pay for private healthcare in the UK.

OP posts:
UnperfectLife · 13/02/2019 07:08

As PP has said, my concern would be your children. In the culture of your current country, who has rights over the children in cases like this? I worry that it won't be that simple to just make the decision to 'come home'. A culture which encourages polygamy probably doesn't favour women's rights....
When your husband claims he'll marry someone else, does he also make threats about the children?
I would definitely come home anyway- will it strengthen your position if both children are U.K. born?

mytittifersungtheirsong · 13/02/2019 07:10

While you have my full sympathy,, basically what people are suggesting is kidnapping which could have terrible consequences. Has he said you can leave with the kids? Do you share custody? How will your dc react to not seeing her dad?

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:10

I doubt he would put in a case for kidnapping, he couldn't manage with a child on his own with work/socialising and he knows how close me and DD are he wouldn't do that to her.

OP posts:
ltk · 13/02/2019 07:10

I don't mean to make you feel guilty, OP. Obviously from a posting on a forum I don't have all the facts and was just thinking through some possibilities.

Important: Is your dh a UK citizen, a citizen of the country you're in, or possibly dual? Or a citizen of a third country? Rules can be v complex in some places.

anniehm · 13/02/2019 07:13

Please leave straight away, the same countries that allow polygamy as give men all the rights over their children, some even over women. You could find yourself being kicked out my him (no such thing as alimony of course) and no access to the children. It will be hard but rebuild your life here - sounds like you have parents initially who can ensure you are not homeless, but as soon as you can cope with it apply for uc - it's emotional abuse which is domestic violence and has specific rules eg no waiting period. Please let us know what happens, we'll all now be worried about you

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:14

I have our passports but he said he needs them to cancel the visa tomorrow. I will be with him as I have to go to the hospital.
I honestly don't think he will try and stop us, he is upset that we are leaving and he isn't being horrible to me or anything he has just made it very clear that if I leave he won't be staying here by himself and will get married to someone else.

There have also been many instances in the past when I have found him chatting to women on dating sites and on Muslim marriage sites. Actually all the time we have been together things like this have cropped up so maybe that's why I don't want to stay here and leave myself vulnerable when deep down I don't trust him. I'm just a mug really aren't I.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:16

That's ok itk. Yes he's a UK citizen.

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 13/02/2019 07:16

He sounds like he is thoroughly embracing the misogynistic mores of the country he is living in

What an utter dickhead

Leave while he still lets you. There are lots of other rather nasty rules around women's (lack of) rights that you don't want him catching on to - he might get full custody of your children, for example. Equally, he might not let you take them home later on -so leave now and don't return. You can file for divorce from the UK.

brookshelley · 13/02/2019 07:17

Sounds like he's going to date or marry someone else regardless of what you do, so you should make the best choice for yourself and your children. Leave and go back to your family.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2019 07:17

Do not give him your passports. Under any circumstances.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:21

Yes mytit he has said I can leave. DD can't wait to go back.
The flights that we had to go home in summer have been rebooked for next week. It's going to be so difficult in the airport leaving knowing that it's overSad I do really love him and he's all I've known for over 10 years how can he just say that

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 13/02/2019 07:22

The thing is you can frame it as you’re going home to have a baby and he’s threatened to marry someone else while you’re gone...

But the flip side of it is that you were living apart for 3 years, which didn’t work or you’d not have moved and now you’re leaving for what, at least another year? More? and he’s decided that’s that for your relationship if you do.

llangennith · 13/02/2019 07:22

Do not give your DH your passports! He does not need to cancel your visas. Leave that country and fly back to the UK as soon as you can. Today even. Stop feeling guilty about taking your DD and unborn baby away from your DH, if he cared about them he wouldn't be treating their mother this way.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2019 07:22

Don’t tell him it’s over until you are well away.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:24

tabulah I don't understand what you're getting at?

OP posts:
ltk · 13/02/2019 07:25

Cancel the visa? What do you mean?

UK citizen, ok good. And he was not born in nor has parents/grandparents in the country you are in?

brookshelley · 13/02/2019 07:26

Actually OP sorry for going there but as you were living apart for 3 years...are you sure he doesn't have another wife or fiancee already?

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:26

Itk he needs to cancel our residency visa before we leave. No he has no family here and he was born in the UK

OP posts:
c24680 · 13/02/2019 07:27

You're doing the right thing, having a baby is hard work and if you've got no support it'll put pressure on your relationship which is already fragile.

Go back to the UK to your parents now while it's easy to do so, if he wants to see his children he will so don't worry about that.

Original poster
Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 07:27

No brook I doubt it very much although I can't be 100% he hasn't been unfaithful.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 13/02/2019 07:29

Itk he needs to cancel our residency visa before we leave. No he has no family here and he was born in the UK

No he does not. You simply fly out with the visa in place and it expires over time. Do NOT give him your passport

Elfinablender · 13/02/2019 07:30

Get home and have your baby here. My aunt was stuck overseas, having to ask permission everyone she wanted to come home with her child, having to beg with a stubborn ex to take her dd to see her dying dm - even while he would never even take his dd overnight.

NaturalBornWoman · 13/02/2019 07:30

tk he needs to cancel our residency visa before we leave

Are you sure this is true? It sounds unlikely, what if you were going on holiday and decided not to go back? Surely he doesn't have to cancel your residency visa every time you leave the country for whatever reason?

ciderhouserules · 13/02/2019 07:31

OP - do you have it in writing that he will allow you to take his child abroad? Hmm

Please stop thinking 'he wouldn't do Xxx or Yyy' because you love him, or because he knows 'how close you are' or what ever. He will do whatever he needs to make himself comfortable (including getting married again - is he able to do that as a UK citizen?) and if it means keeping 'his' child (as he sees it) then he will. And CAN!

(And if you are expecting a boy, I'd get out of there ASAP! And never go back, or allow him to take the child back in M.E.)

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