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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says if I go home he will marry someone else

658 replies

Changedforthis000 · 13/02/2019 06:35

This sounds like it’s made up, I wish it was! Have namechanged too btw.

My head is all over the place so please bear with me!
I am currently a few weeks pregnant and want to have the baby in the UK. We (me and 5 year old daughter) moved to a country outside of the UK in June and have not settled in well at all. DH has been here on and off for 3 years and we have made do with visits etc. DH doesn’t agree to me leaving and having the baby in the UK, he said if we leave he will marry someone else as he doesn’t want to go back to the UK. I have booked flights to go home soon and he said I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I don’t care about our children if I take them back to the UK etc.

I don’t know what I’m posting for I just don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as I’m so embarrassed that he he would say he’ll marry someone else (I’ve no doubts he will do this and is not just making empty threats) this country allows polygamy. I will basically be going home to my parents house with nothing and don’t know what I’m going to do Sad

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/02/2019 08:35

Please keep things nice and even with your 'dh' and take that flight with your dd next week. You can do all your thinking on UK soil when you are away from him and out of his physical and legal grip.

He is not a nice man and in a culture where he holds the cards. I am not surprised you have not settled well. The sense of entitlement in that culture got to his head. Such a nasty and controlling threat to marry someone else. It was designed to make you feel dispensable, like you mean nothing. He is already on dating sites. Why on earth do you put up with this?

You mean everything to your dd. If anything, do it for your dd's sake. Your dh does not deserve your consideration. If he wants his family, he can easily come back to the UK.

Genevieva · 13/02/2019 08:35

qate, do you think this would be the same for all British citizens, or do you think passport control might treat people differently according to their ethnicity? For example, if the OP is not white and looks like she could be a dual citizen (even though she is not) or if she doesn't have evidence that her kids are hers, do you think they would be more inclined to demand evidence of permission? Taking the marriage certificate would be helpful. I am not sure she is going to get the letter from her husband.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 08:36

Wait until he goes to work, then get on the phone and change your flight to the next available one and head straight to the airport and leave.

Sadly, I agree with this. Good luck, OP.

UtterlyDesperate · 13/02/2019 08:36

OP - ring the British Embassy/High Commission/Consulate and ask them: don't rely on what posters on this or your other forum say.

I really recommend taking a PP's advice and going to the airport as soon as he's gone to work tbh..

SoaringSwallow · 13/02/2019 08:37

OP I got married abroad and got my marriage certificate translated online by a certified translator. You need to pay extra for the official stamp but once you've got that it's as good as an official British document.

Importantly, while religious marriages in the U.K. are not legally binding, there are some countries where, because the system is different, the religious marriage from there is a legal U.K. marriage. Check it out because you may have more rights than you think.

From this point onwards, don't sign anything that isn't translated by a third party (so neither him nor his friends') official translator. This is important. You know, I'm sure, what happens to custody in official Muslim divorces. You don't want to "admit" to having an affair either. Don't look stressed about it, just smile and say you need to understand it for yourself, that's all add in optional shoulder shrug.

You'll be ok but you need to be smart and thinking a few steps ahead of him right now.

Justtheoneplease · 13/02/2019 08:37

.

Tinyteatime · 13/02/2019 08:38

He is not a nice man and in a culture where he holds the cards. I am not surprised you have not settled well. The sense of entitlement in that culture got to his head. Such a nasty and controlling threat to marry someone else. It was designed to make you feel dispensable, like you mean nothing. He is already on dating sites. Why on earth do you put up with this?

This. He’s shown you his true colours. You say you are sure he wouldn’t want to separate you from your dd but based on the fact he’s already throwing threats around designed specifically to hurt your feelings I wouldn’t put it past him at all, purely to hurt you because he knows you want to leave him. I really hope you and your dd get home safely and yet another one to say do not let those passports out of your sight.

Aberforthsgoat · 13/02/2019 08:38

Echo what everyone else has said.
Please don’t hand over passports.
Pretend you are coming back, blaming it on hormones like a pp said is a good idea. If you can bring your flight forward please do it

QuaterMiss · 13/02/2019 08:38

As the plot of a new TV/ Netflix show this would be highly effective. I doubt I'm the only reader who can hardly breathe for terror.

And you've never checked the exact legal status of your marriage? You didn't contact a bilingual lawyer or seek any advice at all at the time - either in the UK or in the current place?

I wish you the best of luck OP. Lots of good advice here.

blueshoes · 13/02/2019 08:40

Yes, call the British Embassy. You don't want to be stopped at the airport.

However, I would urge caution not to tip the Embassy off that you are doing it without your dh's permission. Keep it factual as to what documents you need to go back to the UK with your dd, and that your dh is temporarily unavailable to provide any letter. All calm and even. Wishing you strength.

pissedonatrain · 13/02/2019 08:40

@racecardriver
is right. you can't trust him at this point.
I bet you'd never thought he would threaten to marry someone else either.

Think of your DD and unborn LO. There is no way in hell I'd want my DD subjected to that bs.

Tell him your hormones are acting up and you're going for a visit. Do NOT give him your passports.

Topseyt · 13/02/2019 08:41

LIZS, my understanding is that they got married in the country they are currently living in, and it is a country that allows polygamy, so he would not need to divorce OP in order to marry another woman. He can have a whole harem if he wants to.

OP says she has no translation of the marriage certificate. It is all in the local language.

Genevieva · 13/02/2019 08:42

Do you have the birth certificate?

LIZS, that would only count if someone who is British by descent had children abroad, but even then those children can live in the UK and acquire as permanent residents and become British citizenship quite easily. However, it is a good reason for the OP to give regarding having her baby at home.

I don't know about now, but in the past, if a UK citizen was born in countries where they could not acquire residency than they were treated as if they had been born at home.

Yulebealrite · 13/02/2019 08:42

I'd probably go with the line that you think you'll miss him so you want a trial visit home and don't want the visa cancelled because you will probably want to come back. That might be a bit more believable than the I've changed my mind completely tack. Say you will go back home for 3 weeks. Get him to book you a flight back to him in three weeks time and talk again of returning to the UK to have the baby nearer the time. So this is just a holiday/trial UK thing.

Figgygal · 13/02/2019 08:43

So you seem very focused on getting out of the country getting back to the UK but then what is your relationship over?

bullyingadvice2017 · 13/02/2019 08:43

D you have access to cash? I'd pack him off to work and be booking on the next flight. Even if it's not direct. Get out of there and don't tell him anything. He will not let you go quietly and will be awful if he is involved

OnTheHop · 13/02/2019 08:46

“he has a house mortgage free and he has inheritance.”
And yet he wants to scrat around reclaiming visa deposits?

Go with him to the office!

izekial Don’t be ridiculous. Why should the OP stay in an abusuve marriage in a country she hates living in and where she has few rights in order to facilitate contact? As he is British he is perfectly able to live and work in tne UK if he is keen to see his children.

Snipples · 13/02/2019 08:46

OP you need to stop being so naive and play the long game here. Are you in the UAE? I'm a lawyer in Dubai and you do not need to cancel the visas pre travel. He can get the deposit back after you're out of the country for six months if he needs the cash back. It's not even that much so hardly worth making a fuss about.

My view is that he has no intention of letting you go. Please do not give birth here as you are going to have issues with leaving the country with your children. The law doesn't favour mothers and if he is Muslim then you're not going to win any dispute here. Be very careful.

feska5 · 13/02/2019 08:47

I was about to say exactly the same as @racedriver. You need to leave ASAP. He’s not the man you think he is.

OnTheHop · 13/02/2019 08:48

Keep the passports, go today. Get any flight that takes you out of the UEA / Muslim governed countries.

zzzzz · 13/02/2019 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TortoiseLettuce · 13/02/2019 08:52

Oh my goodness, please don’t give him your passports. Change to the next available flight and get out NOW. Even if you come home with nothing but the clothes on your back. Your little ones are relying on you to get them out of this situation.

ThanosSavedMe · 13/02/2019 08:53

This is scary. Do not give him your passport. You say you don’t think he would stop your dd going with you. You say you don’t think he’d stop you from going. A year ago did you think he’d say he’d marry another woman?

You need to start thinking clearly here, he’s a danger to you, your dd and your unborn baby. You need to get back to the uk sooner rather than later.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 13/02/2019 08:53

Keep the passports, go today. Get any flight that takes you out of the UEA / Muslim governed countries

I agree! get out. Now.

Aberforthsgoat · 13/02/2019 08:56

Also OP I hope you have taken steps to make sure he doesn’t discover this post or any others you’ve made elsewhere about the subject
Please update us so we know you’re ok. I agree you should get on the next available flight that’s going anywhere out of the ME

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