Partner's dog and disrespect ruining our relationship

[LooeyG]

Hello...this is my first post so I hope I've put this in the right place. I don't know if I'm being awful but over the weekend my partner brought home his dog, which has been living at his former wife's for the past two years. They are finalising their divorce and she suddenly said she didn't want the dog anymore. He had asked me previously how I felt about the dog coming to our home and I said I wasn't sure but would give it a try if he thought it wouldn't disrupt things as they were. He showed me photos and assured me the dog was a small cocker spaniel, only a little thing, soft as anything and no bother. We already have a cockapoo who is almost two and the most gorgeous little girl and I'm very attached to her. She is also very soft and has been the only dog in the house since we got together. I kept saying I was worried about how things would go but I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
On top of worrying about the new dynamics in the house, I also fell and broke my ankle only two weeks ago and am in plaster up to my knee. I'm on crutches and in a non weight bearing cast for another six weeks. I then have another month in a boot before being able to really get about at all or go back to work. My partner works in the NHS and often does 13hr shifts so I've been alone at home just trying to make the best of things and I've been doing ok up until now.
He brought the dog home on Sunday and he is a huge, overweight, slobbering dog that behaves as though he has had no training whatsoever. It is nothing like how he described and he is like a bull in a china shop. He leaves a trail of water all over the kitchen floor when he drinks, which has become really dangerous for me on crutches and I've almost gone over twice already because of slipping. He eats my other dog's food and charges about and my other dog won't now leave the bedroom now and is terrified of him. I've also just found out that his dog is chronically unwell and has been for a while and needs lots of treatment. He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed. The dog is constantly barking to go out and I'm now up and down like a yo yo whilst on crutches letting him in and out of the garden.
Since being back with his dog, my partner has just gone out to work and left me in this situation alone in the house for hours on end to deal with the aftermath. We had a huge row this morning about the fact that I'm house bound and on crutches and cannot deal with this. I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone and then the slamming of the front door as he left.
I don't know if he's being this way because he knows it was a bad move and regrets it but doesn't want to admit that it's a disaster, or if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. There's just no respect at all for me or the fact that I'm not capable right now of handling this either physically or emotionally. He's not here all day and doesn't see the madness that's going on but just isn't getting why I'm so upset. I'm being told it's me and that my attitude stinks?
I don't know what to do or say now. I've tried but I'm being shut down with every word and if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He's not normally like this so I don't know what to make of how he's being. Am I over reacting or how do I tell him that I honestly don't want his dog here because I can't cope right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can't see a way of getting through without an argument ensuing as it stands.

I think your partner is being unfair leaving you to deal with this in your current situation. Would hiring a dog walker for a bit be an option until you're back on your feet? Dogs need stimulation both physically and mentally so you can't really blame the dog for acting like a dog, but I'd certainly expect your partner to be more understanding and try and find a solution that works for both of you

Your partner is an idiot.
He should have told his ex that the dog is her problem.
Quite obviously she has realised the dog is unwell and doesn't want to pay th4 vet's fees so is dumping it on your op.

Is it your home or his home? Or joint?
I’d tell him he needs to
Sort doggy day care when he’s at work because you can’t.

Well its like children isn't it, love the man love his children. Of course it shouldn't be rehomed, non of this is the dogs fault. He needs to sort out a dog walker though so the dog is stimulated and exercised. Poor thing, its needs and health have obviously been massively ignored and overlooked if its so overweight.

The dog isn’t the problem it’s your DP that’s the problem

I work for the nhs. I do 12.5 hour night shifts 4 nights a week. I still walk my large breed dog before I go to work and again for an hour once I get home in the mornings despite being desperate for my bed.

Does he walk it enough? The dog needs mental stimulation. Could you give it stuffed kongs during the day? It obviously needs to go on a diet - could you switch to a better diet not only to help it lose weight but a decent diet helps with better behaviour.

It sounds like you need a dog trainer aswell. Tell your DP you’re happy to keep the dog ASLONG as he makes the effort to get a dog trainer, exercise the dog efficiently and change its diet. It’s not fair on you or your other dog otherwise.

I'd tell your partner he has a week to find a new place to live.

If he works 13 hour shifts he should have had dog day care arranged anyway, he clearly thinks you will do all pet care if he's dumped the dog with you when you have a broken leg!
I think the dog could be trained, treated for its illnesses, and become a great pet with time, but I don't see how you could retrain your partner not to be such a selfish user.

What is the housing situation? How long have you been together?

His angry response to your objections are intentional and it's to silence you. He doesn't want to hear your complaints as he knows they are valid but if he listens to you then he has to make changes.

If you have been together around 2 years I suspect this is the real him, this is who he is when there is an issue. No compromise or reasonable conversation just bullying to shut you up. Lying about the dog is serious as I would doubt what else he has told you in regard to his ex wife.

Stand back and look at what is happening, you are being rail roaded into something despite very difficult circumstances. Who's needs are being met and what is the cost to you? If he loves you he would care you are being impacted.

Thanks for the messages so far. It's a joint home. It's interesting to read that she would probably have known the dog is unwell. I actually hadn't thought about that and I don't think he has either. I know it's not the dog's fault and I actually feel sorry for him. He has large lumps over his body so it's pretty clear something is wrong. I agree that doggy day care would be an idea for now. It takes me ten minutes to get up and down the stairs, let alone keep going to the garden and back. I just want to find a better way of dealing with my partner...he's becoming become really defensive and quite horrible about this situation.

The dog is his issue - he cant just force it on you like that, especially as you are practically immobile at the moment. These things need to be discussed and he doesn't appear to be willing to do this - so you need to force him to talk. Either the dog goes back to his Ex or he organises a dogwalker during the day.

It sounds like there is more than just a dog problem at the moment.

He being defensive because he feels guilty (rightly) and can't see a way out. Are there kennels close by that the dog can go to until you're back on your feet? Also the existing and new dogs need to be introduced gradually otherwise you will have problems for a loooong time.

WISE up and get rid like the EXW did...and he can take the poor dog..

Has the dog been to the vet yet? If not, get it booked in for today or tomorrow when he can take it.

Dog walker if not daycare. Start googling. Present it as a fait accomplis when he comes home today.

I can see you are struggling, but it's not the dogs fault it's been landed on you.

It's been dumped in a strange environment, with another dog in and that dogs scent everywhere. It's probably terrified, and needs gentle handling to get used to its new home. Firstly get a spaniel bowl so it can't get water everywhere, or put the water bowl on a big towel. Then lots of positive rewards for when it's quiet or being good. Your other dog will adapt, it's a huge shock for all of you. And make sure you get it to the vet asap to get the lumps looked at, and a new diet advised. It could be a life limiting condition in fairness, so I wouldn't necessarily demand huge changes until you know what's wrong with the dog.

And make sure your DP is doing a long walk either end of his shifts. Being tired is no excuse. I walk my dogs everyday whether I've got the energy or not - there is no choice in it.

Hope you're soon on the mend.

My friend shared custody of her dog with exh. Week on week off. Suggest that as a compromise.
Or his ex can have the both of them back is my next suggestion....

He hasn't walked the dog since he's been back from collecting him and I obviously can't, otherwise I would. He's been on two 13 hr shifts but as I stated, that's no reason for not taking him out for a quick walk when I can't. I think the dog has been neglected by his ex wife, the poor heath of the dog is not down to us, we've only had him back for a few days and he was in a state when he was collected. He's being seen by our vet this Friday so things will get sorted in that respect. My other dog does have stuffed Kongs and is easy to play with in the house so she is not difficult even with my ankle the way it is. It's my partner's attitude that is the real problem and the lack of understanding as to just how difficult it is doing the simplest of things. We've been together three years and this morning was the first time I really saw just how thoughtless and condescending he could be. I got the angry, 'poor you' statement thrown at me and that came as a very hurtful shock. At that point, I refused to carry on talking.

If you didn't already have a dog then I would see your point of view, but you have managed with a dog for the time you've been on crutches. I think that you should discuss a dog walker or doggy daycare as previously mentioned.

How would you feel if he said that your dog, that you're very attached to, had to leave?

while there are lots of things you coudl do IF YOU WERE NOT ON CRUTCHES, I think your current situation is that you cannot cope with the dog.
I have been there on crutches with broken ankle and having to get up and down for the dog would have finished me off.

I feel sorry for the dog, but that is not the issue, the issue is that right now, on cruthces, you are not in a position to train or handle this dog. Your DP is probably feeling guilty and also maybe upset as his nice pet is now a badly behaved pain (if he has not been trained and looked after well for a few years, that would happen)

So, plan of action - DP has to step up to helping you with the dog, for the next 2 months. he must take it out for a run before work (even if that means getting up at 5, tough) Pay for a dog walker, or doggy day/care. He must take dog out again when he gets home. That will mean dog sleeps most of the day.

He needs to find a babygate to separate the two dogs, and give them each their own space, including food bowls and water bowls. Gate a mat /towel for under the water bowl (my spaniel drips all over the kitchen floor), put the bowl in a corner so the drips are contained.

Then he needs to do some research about training, and start training him.

Or just take dog back to the ex

If it's literally only been days then your dog may well come around given time and some management.

Your DP needs to arrange a dog walker. For both your dogs. Presumably neither are being walked. Going for a walk together would probably help them get along a bit better, space to interact on their own terms.

I'm assuming the dog is middle aged-older if it has multiple lumps and is overweight. With some exercise it is likely to calm down a bit in the house and become much more manageable.

The question is we need to accept dogs are part of our family, so as much as his wife is heaving badly, it's understandable he won't rehome to dog.

But agree, a solution needs to be found, the dog will settle down, it's all strange to him, and he's unwell, maybe doggie day care is the answer. But he needs to get to the vets ASAP.

Present him with a plan of action. Firmly give a deadline, if he isn;t doing the stuff on the plan by the weekend, you will phone the local rescue and ask them to rehome, or dp moves out with the dog.

To add....of course it eats your dogs food. It doesn't know it's your dogs! Don't allow them access to each other's bowls (You and DP)

the dog needs 1-2 hours exercise every day, and he hasn't been walked in 3 days! No wonder he is a horror and barking to go out, he is restless and bored.

By the way, who is walking your dog while you are on crutches?

@steppemum no one is walking either dog. Not ideal really.

BoxOfBabyCheeses the OP has said that her current dog is a Cockapoo that is easy to entertain inside the house without her having to get up and down for it all the time. The OP's DP hasn't had the new dog for 2 YEARS! If he was so attached to it that he couldn't be without it he would have fought to have the dog when he split from his exW or at least had joint custody of the dog. The issue here is not really the dog though, it's the DP's shit attitude towards the OP and how he's completely disrespecting her in how he is talking to her and disregarding her feelings and her position in all of this. He's expecting her to put up and shut up and just do as he says.

OP, I would be trying once more to tell your DP how you feel about this and if he doesn't listen be telling him he can take his dog and find somewhere else to live. You don't need to put up with being treated so horribly.

Boxof babycheeses, I didn't say that the dog had to leave. I must reiterate that I haven't said that. This isn't and wasn't really about the dog, it's about how I go about talking with my partner and offering solutions without it ending up in a fight. I also wanted suggestions as to the solutions I could offer so he doesn't get so defensive and angry. I don't expect him to get rid of his dog at all...just help with the situation and not make it worse? One little dog I've had here since a puppy is one thing but two and one who doesn't know me or our home, is very different when I can't get about. The biggest issue here is that I'm pretty much immobile. I'm a very active 40 something and spend all my time outdoors usually and this has floored me...so as someone rightly said, this situation probably wouldn't be a problem at all if I didn't have a broken ankle. It's my partner's behaviour in regards to this that is really troubling me, not the poor dog.