Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner's dog and disrespect ruining our relationship

177 replies

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 11:57

Hello...this is my first post so I hope I've put this in the right place. I don't know if I'm being awful but over the weekend my partner brought home his dog, which has been living at his former wife's for the past two years. They are finalising their divorce and she suddenly said she didn't want the dog anymore. He had asked me previously how I felt about the dog coming to our home and I said I wasn't sure but would give it a try if he thought it wouldn't disrupt things as they were. He showed me photos and assured me the dog was a small cocker spaniel, only a little thing, soft as anything and no bother. We already have a cockapoo who is almost two and the most gorgeous little girl and I'm very attached to her. She is also very soft and has been the only dog in the house since we got together. I kept saying I was worried about how things would go but I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
On top of worrying about the new dynamics in the house, I also fell and broke my ankle only two weeks ago and am in plaster up to my knee. I'm on crutches and in a non weight bearing cast for another six weeks. I then have another month in a boot before being able to really get about at all or go back to work. My partner works in the NHS and often does 13hr shifts so I've been alone at home just trying to make the best of things and I've been doing ok up until now.
He brought the dog home on Sunday and he is a huge, overweight, slobbering dog that behaves as though he has had no training whatsoever. It is nothing like how he described and he is like a bull in a china shop. He leaves a trail of water all over the kitchen floor when he drinks, which has become really dangerous for me on crutches and I've almost gone over twice already because of slipping. He eats my other dog's food and charges about and my other dog won't now leave the bedroom now and is terrified of him. I've also just found out that his dog is chronically unwell and has been for a while and needs lots of treatment. He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed. The dog is constantly barking to go out and I'm now up and down like a yo yo whilst on crutches letting him in and out of the garden.
Since being back with his dog, my partner has just gone out to work and left me in this situation alone in the house for hours on end to deal with the aftermath. We had a huge row this morning about the fact that I'm house bound and on crutches and cannot deal with this. I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone and then the slamming of the front door as he left.
I don't know if he's being this way because he knows it was a bad move and regrets it but doesn't want to admit that it's a disaster, or if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. There's just no respect at all for me or the fact that I'm not capable right now of handling this either physically or emotionally. He's not here all day and doesn't see the madness that's going on but just isn't getting why I'm so upset. I'm being told it's me and that my attitude stinks?
I don't know what to do or say now. I've tried but I'm being shut down with every word and if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He's not normally like this so I don't know what to make of how he's being. Am I over reacting or how do I tell him that I honestly don't want his dog here because I can't cope right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can't see a way of getting through without an argument ensuing as it stands.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 13/02/2019 12:40

Stop considering how it affects you, and get back to thinking about him, huh?

I'm afraid that as he gets older, he's going to find it harder and harder to find women whose arms he can twist. After a certain age you just start thinking "I can't be doing with any of this".

I used to teach English to executives many years back, and it was hard to correct their grammar as they honestly believed it didn't need correcting. Their secretaries would listen and learn, and the execs would stay at the same level. That kind of self-assuredness must be necessary for their jobs - no-one would want a hesitant doctor - but if they don't have the maturity or pragmatism to see past that, they suffer from it themselves.

ravenmum · 13/02/2019 12:42

I would say not so much tears as a lecture on why you will regret your stupid mistake.

Mix56 · 13/02/2019 12:48

What ? selfish in what way ? intentionally braking your own bones ?

Beware, now, he will come home with flowers, God forbid a ring for Valentines day ....tears, say he is stressed , its a roller coaster getting a divorce.... Me Me Me. offers of holiday, counselling....
Then when you don't say "OK Princess, let me wrap you in cotton wool & pander to your every wish".
He will then blame you.
It is the circle of abuse, & it will be upsetting but you absolutely need to bin this guy off. so frankly, the sooner the better

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 12:52

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy that's why I opened my post saying he seemed like an arse. Hmm

I just feel sad for the dog too.

LooeyG · 13/02/2019 12:54

@wireswireswires
I wasn't being unjustly unpleasant at all. I was lied to about the condition and size etc.. of the dog and that was all I was trying to get across in my opening post. It was an honest description. I love dogs and all dogs and I have nothing against the poor dog? It's not his fault he's the way he is because of poor treatment by my partner's ex wife. I keep saying this isn't about the dog? He's sat with me now and I've been playing with him this morning. It's the situation with my injury and both dogs not the dog... Hmm

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/02/2019 12:56

I'm so sorry OP.
He really has not understanding at all.
Do you have family or friends you could go to for a couple of days to get some rest and love and support?
I think you could do with it.
He's a stonewalling, EA asshole.
I have a feeling he will talk you around this time.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2019 12:58

"Is he for real? He's a doctor and knows you have a BROKEN ANKLE yet can see how this might hinder your ability to look after 2 dogs properly, not least yourself."

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - you are absolutely right - for a medical professional, he is showing a disturbing lack of care and knowledge.

@LooeyG - you deserve better. Thanks

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 13:02

But I don't understand how the dog being the way he is is any more work than if he were less fat and more active? Unless you're actually having to give him medications.

It seems that you were happy to take the dog and now you're not based purely on how he looks.

Maybe that's why your dp is upset? Maybe he's feeling defensive and you're coming across as a little unkind?

Maybe I'm totally wrong, just trying to play devil's advocate. You did post on aibu. Hmm

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 13:03

Oh god. You posted in relationships! Sorry op! My bad! Blush

Janus · 13/02/2019 13:08

Honestly, he’s a bloody idiot. Of course you can’t look after 2 dogs with a broken ankle. Sounds like you could just about cope with yours by throwing a ball to stimulate etc but the other dogs needs proper walks, how are you meant to manage that ffs?!
It doesn’t sound like your partner is looking after you very well, how are you managing meals, buying food etc? He just sounds miffed he has to pull a bit of weight.
A dog walker was the obvious solution, for him to get angry about it is ridiculous.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2019 13:09

I think that the description of the dog was to show that this particular dog needs more input/training/exercise at the moment, whilst the OP is unable to give the dog any of what it needs, due to her broken ankle, @wireswireswires. She has said she is a dog lover and would be more than happy to do the extra work and exercise that the dog needs, but she simply can't at the moment.

And it is her partner's attitude towards her that is the issue she is so upset about - and by extension the attitude towards the dog. Look at some of her updates about the way he has treated her over recent days. She has a broken ankle and can't even carry a cup of tea around the house, yet when she tells him that they need to put some practical solutions in place for the benefit of his dog, she gets told she is being selfish!!

LooeyG · 13/02/2019 13:15

@wireswireswires
Hey? I have a broken ankle? I'm on crutches? I don't understand where you're coming from. He told me the dog was small, he told me he was no bother, he told me things to persuade me to take him when I honestly didn't really want to. I said we'd give it a try. He also hasn't even bothered to get a dog walker or agreed to let me find one. I'm seriously not that shallow as to not look after a dog because of the way it looks? Believe you me, I would if I could but I can't and that is the entire point.

OP posts:
LooeyG · 13/02/2019 13:20

@Janus @SDTgis @hellsbells
Thank you.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 13/02/2019 13:25

Crikey OP, I’d suggest you go ahead and hire that skip and dump all the twat’s stuff in it ASAP.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 13/02/2019 13:32

Glad you have realised he is a useless article.
Hope I never encounter him in his professional capacity
...

Spudlet · 13/02/2019 13:36

Get out while you can op. He sounds horrendous. He sounds like my dad, I fear... I will not forget watching my mum become a new person after he left. She'd been so squashed.

I in fact have a giant slobbery 'cocker spaniel' (springer sized but he's a rescue so who knows?!) and I adore him. But even after ten years and thousands of hours of training he is hard work. I wouldn't dream of expecting a person with broken bones to take care of him now, after all that work, never mind when I first got him! And I love him! Get out before you are squashed to nothing.

Haworthia · 13/02/2019 13:45

He doesn’t care about your welfare at all, does he?

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 13/02/2019 13:47

Bluntly, he doesn’t give a shit about you. He wants what he wants. There’s no point trying to work out why, it’s who he is. He doesn’t care and it won’t change. He knows he’s upsetting you but that’s not of concern to him.
Please cut your losses and find someone who values and cares about you. It’s not him.

Namechangedforthis79 · 13/02/2019 13:57

Hopefully he doesn't talk you round. He's a bad one. Chuck him and keep the cockapoo!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 14:00

I like @PuppyMonkey's suggestion! Grin

SpanielEars070 · 13/02/2019 14:03

Any man that can neglect a dog is bad 'un.

Let alone neglect a partner with a broken ankle.

Not the best of times you're having OP, is it? Stay strong Flowers

ravenmum · 13/02/2019 14:04

I have a cat-sized, well-behaved Jack Russell and I wouldn't expect my bf to take care of her if he had a broken ankle. I'd be fussing about him getting up off the sofa.

wireswireswires · 13/02/2019 14:51

Yes I understand what it's like. I broke my leg and was totally non weight bearing for months last year.

I just think a smaller, fitter dog would be more work! I've had three cocker spaniels and a fit, small one is bloody hard work!

SnapesGreasyHair · 13/02/2019 15:04

@LooeyG - what are you going to do?

notapizzaeater · 13/02/2019 15:14

I'd find a dog walker pdq and concentrate on getting better and decide what you want to do going forward.