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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner's dog and disrespect ruining our relationship

177 replies

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 11:57

Hello...this is my first post so I hope I've put this in the right place. I don't know if I'm being awful but over the weekend my partner brought home his dog, which has been living at his former wife's for the past two years. They are finalising their divorce and she suddenly said she didn't want the dog anymore. He had asked me previously how I felt about the dog coming to our home and I said I wasn't sure but would give it a try if he thought it wouldn't disrupt things as they were. He showed me photos and assured me the dog was a small cocker spaniel, only a little thing, soft as anything and no bother. We already have a cockapoo who is almost two and the most gorgeous little girl and I'm very attached to her. She is also very soft and has been the only dog in the house since we got together. I kept saying I was worried about how things would go but I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
On top of worrying about the new dynamics in the house, I also fell and broke my ankle only two weeks ago and am in plaster up to my knee. I'm on crutches and in a non weight bearing cast for another six weeks. I then have another month in a boot before being able to really get about at all or go back to work. My partner works in the NHS and often does 13hr shifts so I've been alone at home just trying to make the best of things and I've been doing ok up until now.
He brought the dog home on Sunday and he is a huge, overweight, slobbering dog that behaves as though he has had no training whatsoever. It is nothing like how he described and he is like a bull in a china shop. He leaves a trail of water all over the kitchen floor when he drinks, which has become really dangerous for me on crutches and I've almost gone over twice already because of slipping. He eats my other dog's food and charges about and my other dog won't now leave the bedroom now and is terrified of him. I've also just found out that his dog is chronically unwell and has been for a while and needs lots of treatment. He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed. The dog is constantly barking to go out and I'm now up and down like a yo yo whilst on crutches letting him in and out of the garden.
Since being back with his dog, my partner has just gone out to work and left me in this situation alone in the house for hours on end to deal with the aftermath. We had a huge row this morning about the fact that I'm house bound and on crutches and cannot deal with this. I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone and then the slamming of the front door as he left.
I don't know if he's being this way because he knows it was a bad move and regrets it but doesn't want to admit that it's a disaster, or if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. There's just no respect at all for me or the fact that I'm not capable right now of handling this either physically or emotionally. He's not here all day and doesn't see the madness that's going on but just isn't getting why I'm so upset. I'm being told it's me and that my attitude stinks?
I don't know what to do or say now. I've tried but I'm being shut down with every word and if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He's not normally like this so I don't know what to make of how he's being. Am I over reacting or how do I tell him that I honestly don't want his dog here because I can't cope right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can't see a way of getting through without an argument ensuing as it stands.

OP posts:
LooeyG · 12/02/2019 17:25

@Gina2012
An arsehole yes...an absolute arsehole like this, no. He has a habit of shutting me down when there's something he doesn't want to talk about but this is weird and hurtful. He generally treats me very well. I think this has really shocked me and is the reason I'm on here not knowing what to do.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 17:25

Why would he not take his dog out for a walk but take the other one that doesn’t need it as much? To make a point? To spite you?

That’s unforgivable behaviour for me. Hurting an animal to win an argument is awful and shows what his character truly is.

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 17:26

@Mix56
Thank you for making me spontaneously laugh!

OP posts:
LooeyG · 12/02/2019 17:35

@Mix56
I just had another text message telling me that,

'If I can't be supportive, then at least get off his back and say something contributory instead of doing the complete opposite of what he'd like and making the situation worse'

I have a feeling I'm now about to spontaneously combust.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 17:37

He’s a bellend. “What he’d like” if for you to do what he says and not question him.

I’d reply and tell him to grow the hell up.

Sweepingcalamity · 12/02/2019 17:40

Why has he taken only one dog out? I hope he will be coming back and walking the other one too Sad

His behaviour is really awful op and I have every sympathy with you. Flowers

I think you should have both given more consideration to your resident dog though. It's a terrible way to effect an introduction, especially when your DPS dog is not at his best. I guess your dp couldn't help his ex changing her mind at the last minute but the introduction should have been done in a more calm, phased manner and not when the ex's dog was ill.

All that aside though your DPS attitude is unforgivable really; even without the dogs being a pain, it's hard being on your own for 13 hrs straight with a broken ankle. Is he helping you in other ways?

One practical tip: if your doorways are wide enough, could you possibly hire a wheelchair? They are quite cheap to hire from the red cross I think. When I broke my ankle on two occasions, and my DH left on business trips both times, a wheelchair epwas a godsend! I managed very well sleeping downstairs, washing at the kitchen sink (!)) and wheeling myself between fridge, freezer and microwave. I could carry plates of food and hot drinks more easily and answer the door fairly speedily. You would be lower to the ground to handle the dogs too! Good luck!

Sweepingcalamity · 12/02/2019 17:44

Oh and you can lock the wheelchairs breaks and it becomes a solid base from which to stand up and fill the kettle etc, with something behind you if you feel unstable!

Gina2012 · 12/02/2019 17:54

@Gina2012
An arsehole yes...an absolute arsehole like this, no. He has a habit of shutting me down when there's something he doesn't want to talk about but this is weird and hurtful. He generally treats me very well. I think this has really shocked me and is the reason I'm on here not knowing what to do.

Can you see that this is simply an increased intensity of what he's done before?

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 17:58

@sweepingcalamity
Thank you so much for the advice. I hadn't thought of that to be honest. I don't know how you managed breaking it the second time bless you. I'd lose the plot! :) A chair would be great as I've another month or so non weight bearing. I'm pretty fit so thought crutches wouldn't be an issue but it's those small things like carrying plates and cups and I keep leaving things I need in other rooms by accident. I may look into this for sure so thank you! :-)

OP posts:
brownjumper · 12/02/2019 18:01

Why didn't he take his own dog out? That's weird!

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 18:11

@Gina2012
Yes, I do see this and it's made me feel pretty awful. The more I look back, the more I realise it's happened a few times. The outbursts and lack of reasoning. Unless I'm 100% supportive, he genuinely sulks or storms about the house making it very clear he isn't happy. I think I know where this is going and that's why it's so upsetting. He's not like this all the time but it really affects me when it does happen. Thanks for your support.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 18:17

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Is he really what you want here?.

He sounds awful not just to you but to this dog of his and its of no real surprise to me either that his wife is divorcing him. This is who he really is and you need to pay attention properly now. He is supremely selfish and simply put you can actually do a lot better than him.

Jaxhog · 12/02/2019 18:17

Well its like children isn't it, love the man love his children.

No, it isn't!! I love my pets dearly, but I know they are NOT the same as children.

OP, I would be trying once more to tell your DP how you feel about this and if he doesn't listen be telling him he can take his dog and find somewhere else to live. You don't need to put up with being treated so horribly.

HIs ex dumped him with the dog, and he's dumped the dog on you. That was their choice. Now he has another choice. He gives the dog back, or you dump him.

btw, what does he think will happen to the dog when you go back to work?

Babdoc · 12/02/2019 18:18

OP, any fool of a man can be sweetness and light when everything is going well. The acid test of character is how he behaves when there are problems or disagreements.
It seems from what you’re saying in your posts, that your partner’s preferred coping mechanisms are denial of the problem, landing it all on you, and shouting, insulting and bullying to try and shut you up and make you comply.
He’s showing you who he really is. Believe him. Do you want a lifetime of this?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 18:21

Abusive people are not nasty all the time BUT their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Google the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

All his huffing and puffing about along with his sulking is deeply concerning and also indicative of abusive behaviour. I'm not at all surprised it affects you; that is its whole purpose. Its done as a means of gaining further power and control; that is what abuse is all about. Sulking is an example of emotional abuse. I sincerely hope you leave him to it when he sulks rather than try and jolly him out of it; the responsibility for his sulk is all his.

Namechangedforthis79 · 12/02/2019 18:23

He sounds like a right nasty prick.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 18:25

That text! Holy fuck!

I'd be responding The dog needs you to walk it. Walk it or rehome it.

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 18:26

@jaxhog
I don't know. I also work in the NHS as a nurse and do shift work but not as many as he does. He does work really long hours and his work is very stressful. I've always taken the cockapoo out both morning and evening and for longer play when I have a day time off. I don't know his dog and would struggle walking both of them as his is big and pulls like mad. A dog walker will be needed either way so that's the only future option. Either that or I may find somewhere for myself and leave him if this continues. But thank you...

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 12/02/2019 18:26

No doubt in mind that he's being an unsupportive arsehole. I currrently have a broken wrist, which also means I can't carry stuff or drive. My DH couldn't be more helpful. We don't have a dog, but we do have 2 cats, which my DH has just taken to the Vet single handed (so to speak). He's also been ferrying me to appointments etc. His idea, incidentally.

If you don't get support when you need it, as you cleatrly do with a broken ankle, then he's not someone you want around when something REALLY horrible happens. You need someone you can rely on, and he clearly isn't it.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 18:28

I know it is not about the dog really but he needs telling that you won't stand for letting a living being suffer because he wants to be an arse to you.

Has the leg break meant you can't pander to his every whim like normal? Is it pissing him off to have to care for you for once? Is this kind of thing why his first wife chucked him?

Mmmmbrekkie · 12/02/2019 18:31

He actually told you it was a cocker spaniel and showed you photos.

So was he lying about the breed and showing you fake photos?

bullyingadvice2017 · 12/02/2019 18:31

He's a arsehole op. Keep the dog and ditch him!

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 18:42

I think the leg break means I can't do everything I used to. I pretty much take care of other things as he works long hours. I can't anymore so I don't know what's going on with him or how he's truly feeling. I'm staying out of his way this evening as I feel very out of sorts with all this.

OP posts:
catsmother · 12/02/2019 18:47

I think @TowelNumber42 might be onto something. He no doubt feels put upon to have this dog foisted upon him - albeit it was his pet - and is pissed off because you're in no fit state to help. In fact, he's likely doubly resentful because he's having to pull his weight more. Twat.

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 18:48

@Mmmmbrekkie
It is a cocker spaniel, it's just huge and unfit and overweight the poor thing. I think he showed me old photos because that's all he had. To be fair, he hadn't seen the dog properly until recently (the dog was kept in Ireland) and only saw how unwell it was when he went to pick him up. It's the ex wife who has treated the poor dog badly. I don't really know what the situation was in her house there.

OP posts: