Partner's dog and disrespect ruining our relationship

[LooeyG]

Hello...this is my first post so I hope I've put this in the right place. I don't know if I'm being awful but over the weekend my partner brought home his dog, which has been living at his former wife's for the past two years. They are finalising their divorce and she suddenly said she didn't want the dog anymore. He had asked me previously how I felt about the dog coming to our home and I said I wasn't sure but would give it a try if he thought it wouldn't disrupt things as they were. He showed me photos and assured me the dog was a small cocker spaniel, only a little thing, soft as anything and no bother. We already have a cockapoo who is almost two and the most gorgeous little girl and I'm very attached to her. She is also very soft and has been the only dog in the house since we got together. I kept saying I was worried about how things would go but I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
On top of worrying about the new dynamics in the house, I also fell and broke my ankle only two weeks ago and am in plaster up to my knee. I'm on crutches and in a non weight bearing cast for another six weeks. I then have another month in a boot before being able to really get about at all or go back to work. My partner works in the NHS and often does 13hr shifts so I've been alone at home just trying to make the best of things and I've been doing ok up until now.
He brought the dog home on Sunday and he is a huge, overweight, slobbering dog that behaves as though he has had no training whatsoever. It is nothing like how he described and he is like a bull in a china shop. He leaves a trail of water all over the kitchen floor when he drinks, which has become really dangerous for me on crutches and I've almost gone over twice already because of slipping. He eats my other dog's food and charges about and my other dog won't now leave the bedroom now and is terrified of him. I've also just found out that his dog is chronically unwell and has been for a while and needs lots of treatment. He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed. The dog is constantly barking to go out and I'm now up and down like a yo yo whilst on crutches letting him in and out of the garden.
Since being back with his dog, my partner has just gone out to work and left me in this situation alone in the house for hours on end to deal with the aftermath. We had a huge row this morning about the fact that I'm house bound and on crutches and cannot deal with this. I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone and then the slamming of the front door as he left.
I don't know if he's being this way because he knows it was a bad move and regrets it but doesn't want to admit that it's a disaster, or if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. There's just no respect at all for me or the fact that I'm not capable right now of handling this either physically or emotionally. He's not here all day and doesn't see the madness that's going on but just isn't getting why I'm so upset. I'm being told it's me and that my attitude stinks?
I don't know what to do or say now. I've tried but I'm being shut down with every word and if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He's not normally like this so I don't know what to make of how he's being. Am I over reacting or how do I tell him that I honestly don't want his dog here because I can't cope right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can't see a way of getting through without an argument ensuing as it stands.

practical things for you - I used an apron with big pockets.
I made tea /coffee in a flask and then put the flask and a mug in the apron pocket and crutched back to the sofa

The apron was a godsend actually, either that or a bag/rucksack so you are hands free

leaving your relationship to one side at the moment, I would text back - we need practical solutions for the dog situation, can you

1. buy a baby gate and bring it home,
2. research and organise a dog walker for your dog

put some dealines in etc, so make him deal with the practical

I wouldn’t put up with that.
His attitude stinks
He’d have to leave and take his dog with him
End of

Morning @LooeyG how are you this morning?

The practical side of this can be sorted out it sounds like you have the money to afford things like a dog walker, hire of a wheelchair and maybe some other non dog related things to help you around the house while you are incapacitated such as some good quality frozen meals and maybe a cleaner. You might consider installing a dog flap so the dogs can get out quickly without you (make sure your garden is secure of course).

I do think that more exercise, a healthy diet and some training which you can do sitting down will make a massive difference to the new dog and you will learn to love him. Agree with a pp that walking the dogs together may help them bond. A good dog walker will be invaluable so I would definitely get one and it will be helpful in future if you are busy. Some will also do overnight stays so it's good if you are on holiday as the dogs feel at home.

The more concerning question is whether you will learn to hate your partner for his terrible attitude to you over this.

The only thing I agree with him on was that it was right for him to take his dog. I do think our dogs are our responsibility and we should care for them if we can, not rehome unless absolutely necessary, but it was his responsibility to care for it, not yours. When it became clear you couldn't manage he should have taken over right away and sorted out people to help you or at least encouraged you to do so no expense spared. He should be thanking you for your efforts not complaining at you.

@Inarticulated
I did think about replying to that one myself but was too exhausted so thank you and hear hear! :) And thank you for the wishes...from everyone on here too. It's so nice to be able to communicate somewhere and feel supported.

@greenfingers @xmaspostman @steppemum
Your advice is fantastic thank you and thanks for asking how I am this morning. We didn't speak last night. As he was leaving this morning, he came in to ask if I needed anything and when I politely said, no thank you, he tutted, mumbled an insult at me and then slammed the door behind him and went to work. I then got a text asking me to look up the cost of hiring a skip so that things could be removed from the shed? Yep, that has been the extent of the communication since yesterday morning. I've realised sadly, after lots of thinking and looking back, that he seems to love me when I'm compliant. That's the only word I can think of. If all is good and I'm laughing and happy and telling him how great everything is, then he loves me to pieces and says so. Whenever anything is wrong or off kilter or I'm not my usual happy go lucky self or I don't like something he's doing and say so, I'm met with anger, disdain, sulking, muttered insults, door slamming and then nothing. I'm trying to work out what this is. I'm trying to figure out what type of personality does this on a regular basis. I'm starting to see that it's a cycle and it's heart breaking to realise because when he's great, he's really great but when something happens and it happens to someone else and not him, he really can't be bothered with it. It's as though he switches off. He's oblivious to what's really upsetting me in all this. He also thinks I'm just pissed off about the dog and is reacting to the wrong thing entirely. It's way more than that and that's what I've woken up to this morning.

You got a text asking to look into skip hire? Does he think you work for him? Tell him to fuck off, your off work sick ffs.

I know this behaviour.
I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed.
if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care
This is him acting as if the only two options are the dog being got rid of, or you stopping your complaints. In other words "Shut up complaining or you are a nasty dog hater". He knows you don't want to be thought of as a bad person, and is using that to get his way by oversimplifying the issue.

I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone
Unless I'm 100% supportive, he genuinely sulks or storms about the house making it very clear he isn't happy.
If I can't be supportive, then at least get off his back and say something contributory instead of doing the complete opposite of what he'd like and making the situation worse
This is him accusing you of acting like a victim, when actually that's what he is doing. He's acting like he is the victim of your nasty behaviour. As before, he knows you will try to act like a nice person, and stop complaining.

I got a text message saying he'd rather do his own thing this evening than argue.
He literally won't talk to me about the dog though; it's weird.
This is him changing the issue from the problem with his dog, to a problem with you being argumentative. Again, trying to make you feel bad about not dong what he wants. Did he also suggest that his ex wife was argumentative?

This is the consequence:
I was getting to the point where I thought I was the problem and was somehow being selfish.
He said he wanted to do his own thing so I've let him do exactly that.

I had this for many years. I'm pretty sure he honestly thought he was the good guy with a nasty, argumentative wife. He got everything he wanted and even then I often felt bad about myself, like I was a bad person. This situation is no fun for either person.

I've sice had two boyfriends and both have indicated (without knowing about any of my exh's complaints) that I am the least argumentative and difficult person they could imagine.

Watch yourself there. Talk to other people and question what's going on; question his version of events. If this is a recurring theme in relationships, perhaps speak to a counsellor.

Also give his ex wife a ring, ostensibly about the dog, and see if she has a different take on things.

@restingbitchface
Yep, I couldn't quite get my head around that and still can't. It's a very strange way of attempting to communicate if that's what he's trying to do. He could just straight up ask me if I want to talk about things but nope, he decides to ask me to hire a skip!

Is he not walking the other poor dog at all? Why did he take one dog out and not the other?

I also had this:
I don't know ... if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. ... just isn't getting why I'm so upset. ... He's oblivious to what's really upsetting me in all this.
This "failure to understand" is actually just another version of him shutting down and refusing to discuss it. Your partner is an intelligent man, yes? Who is capable of "getting" things whih are a lot more complicated?
I spent years thinking that I couldn't complain about his behaviour because he simply did not understand the problem and thus "didn't mean it".
Funnily enough, his dad is the same way. When I commented on his dad's rude behaviour I was also told that he didn't mean it. Our son had counselling after our divorce, and the counsellor had me and the ex in - this subject came up and the counsellor pointed out that even when someone doesn't mean it, you can still tell them you don't like it. My ex - showing insight I never thought he was capable of - agreed.
My ex's sister has also started to be firmer with her dad - and lo and behold, now my ex has also started to complain, and stop the "he doesn't get it" excuses.

My ex and his dad are teachers, btw, and his mum was a doctor. All convinced they are right, and so anyone complaining to them can happily be ignored and shut down.

OP... XH was like this. If l went out for the day I'd ensure l purchased something for him as l knew he'd be so pleased I'd get positive attention from him for a couple of days.

I knew it was wrong and was so unhappy but he wouldn't discuss it at all so l just tried to keep him happy so he would be nice to me.

The nicest thing he did was leave me for an OW. I really feel like I'm living again as opposed to just existing

Why does the shed need clearing, is it going to be turned into a dog house. He sounds a bit of a sulker, does he slam doors and mutter to himself in front of colleagues and patients.

@ravenmum
Really really interesting to read your message and thank you for taking the time to address individual points. Yes, he has mentioned that his ex wife was argumentative. I'm also constantly being told that I'm difficult or complex or over sensitive. The other thing I get told regularly is that I have no insight into my own behaviour. I'm no saint but I have a good head on my shoulders and I know cycles of behaviour because yes, I have been through it before. I've previously been in lengthy counselling over a past relationship, which was much worse than this so I am very aware of behaviour that isn't good for my mental health. If it starts, I'm pretty quick now to see it. Maybe that's what's affecting me so much about this behaviour I'm seeing now. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting to it because of my past but now I honestly don't know.

@punishme
He did finally take the other dog out for a walk late last night. He's sitting with me in the bedroom at the minute. I'm looking up dog walkers at the same time as being on here. I'm writing a list of everything that needs doing in regards to both dogs and as far as they're concerned, he won't have a choice other than to sort it out.

Yeah, all these difficult women who don't do what he says. Why does he get together with them, marry them, live with them, exactly?
You sound like a sensible kind of a person to me - not one to make a huge drama out of sorting this situation out.

@ravenmum
Thanks again for your insights. Yep, all convinced they are right because of their careers. It really does spill over doesn't it? I'm not sure scientific brains pair with emotional brains too well. All I hear is that he's an amazing doctor and I know he's great at his job. Always wants to get the best possible result. Will always go the extra mile for his patients. At home, very different. Shutters come down, won't talk, walks away from anything remotely emotional. Head down, move onto the next day. I sometimes wonder if it's because he spends so much time dealing with highly charged and emotional situations at work. I do think about that but there has to be a limit to how much of that is brought home and also a way that those feelings from work can be dealt with constructively instead of simply pulling a shutter down. Thanks for your advice, it genuinely helps.

Well fuck me isn't he peachy,
He's a doctor & this is how he deals with the fall out He has created & then blames it on you not being supportive.
The sulking & banging around are classic pointers to emotional abuse, he is not getting what he wants & is punishing you.
Fortunately you are not married to this idiot.

I sent a text, told him all the suggestions I'd been thinking of (obviously didn't say I got most of them from the lovely people on mumsnet) said we should discuss all options properly (dog walker being a must) so that I'm not stuck at home with both of them when I can't do anything. I said it would really help me get better and give me a breather and that it would only be temporary. This is honestly the response I got,

'You're just being selfish and only considering how it all affects you. That's how it really feels to me'

I've just sent a text and told him I'm done. I've had enough.

what a complete arse!!!!

You are well shot of him.

Is he for real? He's a doctor and knows you have a BROKEN ANKLE yet can see how this might hinder your ability to look after 2 dogs properly, not least yourself.

As @RandomMess said, you are well shot!!! Stick to your guns. You'll be getting the tears and the 'you don't understand the stress I'm under' sob story soon no doubt.

What a vile, selfish, stupid man.

He sounds like an arse but in your opening post you sound quite unjustly unpleasant about the poor dog.

@wireswireswires this is about so much more than the dog (which turned out to be much bigger than described, untrained and with a serious health condition). Not exactly what she agreed to!