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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner's dog and disrespect ruining our relationship

177 replies

LooeyG · 12/02/2019 11:57

Hello...this is my first post so I hope I've put this in the right place. I don't know if I'm being awful but over the weekend my partner brought home his dog, which has been living at his former wife's for the past two years. They are finalising their divorce and she suddenly said she didn't want the dog anymore. He had asked me previously how I felt about the dog coming to our home and I said I wasn't sure but would give it a try if he thought it wouldn't disrupt things as they were. He showed me photos and assured me the dog was a small cocker spaniel, only a little thing, soft as anything and no bother. We already have a cockapoo who is almost two and the most gorgeous little girl and I'm very attached to her. She is also very soft and has been the only dog in the house since we got together. I kept saying I was worried about how things would go but I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
On top of worrying about the new dynamics in the house, I also fell and broke my ankle only two weeks ago and am in plaster up to my knee. I'm on crutches and in a non weight bearing cast for another six weeks. I then have another month in a boot before being able to really get about at all or go back to work. My partner works in the NHS and often does 13hr shifts so I've been alone at home just trying to make the best of things and I've been doing ok up until now.
He brought the dog home on Sunday and he is a huge, overweight, slobbering dog that behaves as though he has had no training whatsoever. It is nothing like how he described and he is like a bull in a china shop. He leaves a trail of water all over the kitchen floor when he drinks, which has become really dangerous for me on crutches and I've almost gone over twice already because of slipping. He eats my other dog's food and charges about and my other dog won't now leave the bedroom now and is terrified of him. I've also just found out that his dog is chronically unwell and has been for a while and needs lots of treatment. He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed. The dog is constantly barking to go out and I'm now up and down like a yo yo whilst on crutches letting him in and out of the garden.
Since being back with his dog, my partner has just gone out to work and left me in this situation alone in the house for hours on end to deal with the aftermath. We had a huge row this morning about the fact that I'm house bound and on crutches and cannot deal with this. I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone and then the slamming of the front door as he left.
I don't know if he's being this way because he knows it was a bad move and regrets it but doesn't want to admit that it's a disaster, or if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. There's just no respect at all for me or the fact that I'm not capable right now of handling this either physically or emotionally. He's not here all day and doesn't see the madness that's going on but just isn't getting why I'm so upset. I'm being told it's me and that my attitude stinks?
I don't know what to do or say now. I've tried but I'm being shut down with every word and if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He's not normally like this so I don't know what to make of how he's being. Am I over reacting or how do I tell him that I honestly don't want his dog here because I can't cope right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can't see a way of getting through without an argument ensuing as it stands.

OP posts:
EyeOfTheTigger · 13/02/2019 16:05

Crikey OP, I’d suggest you go ahead and hire that skip and dump all the twat’s stuff in it ASAP.

Sod the 'stuff', dump the twat in the skip!!

LooeyG · 13/02/2019 16:12

Thanks for all the kind and supportive messages from everyone. I have told him I don't want to be in this anymore. He says I'm painting him out to be a monster and that I never look at myself and my own behaviour etc...Why did I even bother with him if I think so little of him etc...it's all gone a bit, him feeling sorry for himself and he actually still doesn't understand why I'm so upset by the last few days.
I can't really go anywhere just yet although I have asked my mum to come and collect me tomorrow just to get out of the house for a few hours. After that, I don't know. I need to get better first then see. It's not the best circumstances in which to break up with someone. At least if I could use my leg I could drive somewhere.

OP posts:
LooeyG · 13/02/2019 16:13

@eyeofthetigger
That just made me properly laugh! Smile

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 16:22

Oh God so he's started on the 'I'm so hard done by whining bollox' already, has he? There's a surprise.

I have asked my mum to come and collect me tomorrow just to get out of the house for a few hours

This is a great idea, could you stay with her for a couple of days? Or at least ask her to help you get a wheelchair/tray on wheels sorted so you're a bit more mobile? Take the cockapoo with you - tell him to get a dog walker for the other one.

ravenmum · 13/02/2019 16:29

A: You did something I don't like
B: Stop talking about my flaws - let's discuss YOURS. Your flaws are much bigger and more important. Let's focus on them and forget mine.

LooeyG · 13/02/2019 16:49

@ravemum
Are you a therapist? Ha! [smiling] Spot on!
He's on his way home. I'm nervous now but yes, that's how it's going. Plus all the things he's done for me in the past are already being thrown at me. It's weird, I tried to tell him some of the things he said during his outburst and he says he doesn't remember them? Then he started saying I was trying to make out he's personality disordered? I've never said anything like that Confused

OP posts:
LooeyG · 13/02/2019 16:49

and thank you @greenfingers I'm going to sort a chair too and sleep downstairs.

OP posts:
LooeyG · 13/02/2019 16:50

Oooops, that was meant to be a Smile

OP posts:
cstaff · 13/02/2019 16:50

That sounds like really childish behaviour - at the very least you need a break from him and his dog and some tlc from someone you can rely on like your mum.

Spudlet · 13/02/2019 17:03

DON'T LET HIM TURN IT ON YOU.

Ahem. Sorry for shouting at you (to you, really). Dad was (probably still is) a past master at this. You'd be legitimately cross for some reason and still end up apologising because he turned it all around, somehow. Don't let the bugger get you.

Namechangedforthis79 · 13/02/2019 17:46

Have you heard of the term gaslighting? It's what he's doing to you.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2019 18:40

Tell him you're not interested in justifying yourself any more, you just want him to go. Is it rented, and in whose name,or both?

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2019 18:43

Actually, tell him you're going to do your own thing tonight as you don't want to argue. If it's good enough for him...!

lifebegins50 · 13/02/2019 19:38

Then he started saying I was trying to make out he's personality disordered? I've never said anything like that confused

He is showing some insight! I suspect he is disordered, he is acting like my Ex who has NPD. Nothing makes sense when trying to have rational cinversations over their behaviour.
What do you know about his Ex wife?

Mix56 · 13/02/2019 20:11

Well if he loves you he will have tried to sort this out..right? As opposed to coming home & saying its your fault
Hope you are OK.

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2019 20:37

You don’t have to talk it through tonight - doesn’t sound like there’s any point. Actually, tell him you're going to do your own thing tonight as you don't want to argue. If it's good enough for him...!
Yep this!

CantStopMeNow · 13/02/2019 21:07

I'm trying to work out what this is
Abuse.

I'm trying to figure out what type of personality does this on a regular basis
A narcissist.

The only effort i'd be making now is plans to sell/him buy you out and leaving him.

Hotpinkangel19 · 13/02/2019 23:15

Look after yourself OP

purpleboy · 13/02/2019 23:44

Sorry how this is turning out for you p. Sounds like a wanker, I hope he will engage in a discussion with you tonight!

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/02/2019 23:56

Hope tonight went ok OP. He's being totally unreasonable and a bit unbalanced about this.

SleightOfMind · 14/02/2019 00:03

Normally in this kind of situation I’d tell you to go away for a weekend and leave him to deal with the situation for at least a 60hr stretch.

Unless you jumped up and down on his ankle before you said goodbye it wouldn’t work though.

Hou’ve Had good advice here but I will add that tired dogs are much easier to deal with.

Tell your DP he has to walk the dog for an hour minimum off lead every morning.

If It’s a typical cocker, that’ll give you a breather till at least 10am!

SleightOfMind · 14/02/2019 00:04

Oops sorry. Should rtft

wheresthehope · 14/02/2019 00:10

OP you sound like a lovely person... There is to many nice guys out there that would happily take care of you while you are out with a broken ankle aswel as look after BOTH of the dogs to worry about this guy.
Take your of yourself! Flowers

waffleblanket · 14/02/2019 00:51

He's an emotionally abusive gaslighting prick. Get rid of him. Don't try to reason with him, he's not a reasonable person and you're wasting your breath.

punishmepunisher · 14/02/2019 14:09

How's it going OP?