Partner's dog and disrespect ruining our relationship

[LooeyG]

Hello...this is my first post so I hope I've put this in the right place. I don't know if I'm being awful but over the weekend my partner brought home his dog, which has been living at his former wife's for the past two years. They are finalising their divorce and she suddenly said she didn't want the dog anymore. He had asked me previously how I felt about the dog coming to our home and I said I wasn't sure but would give it a try if he thought it wouldn't disrupt things as they were. He showed me photos and assured me the dog was a small cocker spaniel, only a little thing, soft as anything and no bother. We already have a cockapoo who is almost two and the most gorgeous little girl and I'm very attached to her. She is also very soft and has been the only dog in the house since we got together. I kept saying I was worried about how things would go but I just kept being told there was no other option and that I would pretty much have to deal with it. He wasn't going to let the dog go into care.
On top of worrying about the new dynamics in the house, I also fell and broke my ankle only two weeks ago and am in plaster up to my knee. I'm on crutches and in a non weight bearing cast for another six weeks. I then have another month in a boot before being able to really get about at all or go back to work. My partner works in the NHS and often does 13hr shifts so I've been alone at home just trying to make the best of things and I've been doing ok up until now.
He brought the dog home on Sunday and he is a huge, overweight, slobbering dog that behaves as though he has had no training whatsoever. It is nothing like how he described and he is like a bull in a china shop. He leaves a trail of water all over the kitchen floor when he drinks, which has become really dangerous for me on crutches and I've almost gone over twice already because of slipping. He eats my other dog's food and charges about and my other dog won't now leave the bedroom now and is terrified of him. I've also just found out that his dog is chronically unwell and has been for a while and needs lots of treatment. He also said that because the dog is unwell, there is no way he would ever consider getting him re-homed. The dog is constantly barking to go out and I'm now up and down like a yo yo whilst on crutches letting him in and out of the garden.
Since being back with his dog, my partner has just gone out to work and left me in this situation alone in the house for hours on end to deal with the aftermath. We had a huge row this morning about the fact that I'm house bound and on crutches and cannot deal with this. I was told to stop playing victim and that my attitude towards the situation was awful? I tried to explain how I was feeling but was shut down with a very indignant tone and then the slamming of the front door as he left.
I don't know if he's being this way because he knows it was a bad move and regrets it but doesn't want to admit that it's a disaster, or if he genuinely doesn't get why this situation is so wrong and upsetting. There's just no respect at all for me or the fact that I'm not capable right now of handling this either physically or emotionally. He's not here all day and doesn't see the madness that's going on but just isn't getting why I'm so upset. I'm being told it's me and that my attitude stinks?
I don't know what to do or say now. I've tried but I'm being shut down with every word and if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He's not normally like this so I don't know what to make of how he's being. Am I over reacting or how do I tell him that I honestly don't want his dog here because I can't cope right now. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I can't see a way of getting through without an argument ensuing as it stands.

You're responsible for his dog's welfare.

It's not a child so you're not the evil stepmother here. He clearly lied to you about the temperament of the dog because if he'd told you straight away that it was large and untrained, he knows you'd have said no to having him in your home.

He's manipulated you to get what he wants.
Is there a pattern here? Are you ok with a partner who lies and manipulates to get his own way?

Looks like the EX sussed him out!

In your shoes I'd give him a clear ultimatum and stick to it.

His dog, his problem to resolve.

Steppemum...thank you for the advice. I throw a ball in the garden for the two of them at the moment. It's ok as long as one of them brings it back! Ha! Then it's not much fun. I really appreciate the support and advice. I was getting to the point where I thought I was the problem and was somehow being selfish. I find it hard to ask for help as I'm usually so independent. I guess I needed to know that his attitude is not defendable and that he is being both selfish and lazy. He may work hard but there's also more to do at home. I think he still expects me to do everything I used to...even with a broken ankle. I feel a little better about trying to approach this when he gets home. I just hope he responds better than last time.

Sorry, that should say You're NOT responsible for the dogs welfare!

OP, I would be trying once more to tell your DP how you feel about this and if he doesn't listen be telling him he can take his dog and find somewhere else to live. You don't need to put up with being treated so horribly.

Absolutely. And he’d be lucky to even get another chance after being so awful to you.

OP - when I broke my ankle, I had 3 small children, youngest age 3. It was the WORST thing in terms of not being able to do stuff, I couldn't even make myself a cup of tea and walk to the sitting room with it when I was home alone. I have never felt so useless.

Dh had to do everything, on top of working, and amazing friends rallied round and cooked etc to help us out.

Added to that, for the first 4 ish weeks I was in pain. I remember sitting on the sofa, surrounded by stuff to keep me entertained, and just sleeping as my body obviously needed more sleep to heal.

Please be kind to yourself, show you DP this post about having a broken ankle if it would help.

As to the dog, we have a rescue, and they say it takes a year for a dog to settle. We still saw changes in our dog for months after he arrived as he settled more and more, but certainly he will need a few weeks. You are very much in the early days, dog has forgotten dp, and is disorientated and confused, and maybe also in pain.
He will settle, and gradually the 2 dogs will get to know each other. If you go for the stairgate, they can see/smell each other from their own safe zones, and that will help

But, and I can't say this strongly enough, unless his medical condtition means he shoudl be resting, he needs walking. 30 minutes before DP leaves for work, dog walker midday for a good run, and 30 minutes in the evening. Then he will clam right down and probably sleep. If you are worried/DP worried that you can't let hom off the lead, get a retracible one, or a long rope/lead (eg 10m) so he can really exercise safely.

not clam right down CALM right down!

Also I would say that your dog might not accept the new dog over time.

My previous dog would never have been happy sharing a home with another dog no matter how long we had her.

Some dogs are very unhappy sharing with others so it might be that the other dog has to go anyway if it continues to be so distressing for your dog.

That being said, your partner is showing himself to be pretty awful, so it might be that he leaves with his dog and his shitty attitude anyway.

I’m a massive dog lover and this is unfair on so many levels.

It’s unfair on you to be expected to provide the care.

It’s unfair on your not so ‘d’p that he was stuck with the dog after his ex changed her mind.

And it’s not fair on the dog.

As you’ve said you don’t want to rehome as the owner of a great hairy wildebeest this is all I can suggest.

-a dog walker is booked morning and afternoon. Your p pays for this.
-you h buys a tennis ball machine for the back garden if it’s big enough. Just let it keep shooting balls.
-put the dogs food and water bowl on a non slip mat. It will soak up the water. Feed dogs in separate areas of the house. And move your dogs bowl out the way when there not feeding.
-buy cocktail sausages (which are basically crack for dogs) and chop them up sit them in a bowl next to me and train sit and lay. Mine loves show me your belly. It encourages gentler play and keeps the mind active. Move on to sausages in a kong. Encourage your dog to join in with sitting and laying for treats.
-likewise get a brush and encourage him to lay for a brushing. It’s bonding and it calms.
-anytime he does the right thing lay the praise on thick- to the point of embarrassment. He will learn to do anything for positive feedback (and the odd sausage)

Your p needs to be walking him. If he’s pent up and a bit chunky he needs a couple of hours exercise to burn off energy and the excess. Even a ten minute walk before he leaves with the lay command as he comes in the door will help.

Your p needs to apologise. Or ship out.

Oh and teach him to sit as a cue to going to the loo. Mine just comes and sits staring at me. Anytime he’s whining call him over. Give the sit command and then ask ‘want a widdle’ And take him out. Anytime he you take him out to toilet even if he’s not asked have him sit and then say ‘want a widdle’. You don’t have to use those exact words but really simple commands work when repeated.

Well - he has shown you his true colours. Maybe that is a blessing in disguise.
Just imagine if you had a child with him.

His behaviour is not OK. In a time of stress instead of making things better he made things worse and did it in a particularly unpleasant way. YANBU.

Red flags flying like mad I'm afraid.

Part of your problem is your own tendency to back down in the face of man-grump. if I dare object to the situation, I'm just being told I don't care and looked at as if there's something wrong with me. He can say and look how he likes and you can tell him straight that you are not having it, he has to fix the dog situation no matter what.

He's getting divorced you say. No mystery why given this behaviour then. I wonder when his wife noticed his tendency to be a cock. What does she think of him?

Thanks so much for all the advice and support so far. He came in half an hour ago and hasn't spoken a word to me. I've been in the bedroom resting my leg and he hasn't even come in to say hello. He's just gone out with our cockapoo and left his dog here. I got a text message saying he'd rather do his own thing this evening than argue. I give up.

What does giving up mean?

Yougotdis - thank you for taking the time with all the tips. It's much appreciated :)

Leaving the big dog with you this evening unwalked feels like he is harming the dog to be petty to you. I'd have the rescue collecting the dog tomorrow.

I give up as in shaking my head in despair. It's an exasperated English saying. I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that I may be going out with a child rather than an adult.

Can you hire a dog walker for the next few months? Both of the dogs need lots of attention right now. Bless them. And you, of course!

What a twat, honestly I’m so angry on your behalf

Why has he taken one dog out and not the second. That makes no sense!

Jeez, bringing a new dog into the house needs preparation - even simply things like introducing them outside of the home on a walk. Why, if he wants it to work with his old dog is he not trying to make it work? That poor dog must be so stressed and confused, changed house new dog new family feeling unwell and no one giving a shit about him.

Is your DP normally this much of an ass or is there something else going on here? Has the divorce finalisation triggered something?

Has your partner never shown signs of being an absolute arsehole in three years? This is truly the first time?

Find him a new home. He clearly isn't going to behave like a good example of his species.
Pack his stuff and get him out.

Him not the ddog.

He's not normally this much of an ass no. We have our moments as do any couple I'm sure. He literally won't talk to me about the dog though; it's weird. I don't know if it's the connection to the ex wife, who knows? The dog is cared for. Believe you me, if I could walk I'd be out before and after work as I always have done with our cockapoo. I'd be out with both of them. He also has a vets appointment on Friday. Again, it's not that the poor dog won't be loved, it's more about my partner's crap attitude and selfish behaviour over this.

It's bizarre that he would take the cockapoo out for a walk but not his own dog!?

Really shabby and childish behaviour on his part, especially the 'doing his own thing' this evening. And selfish. You've been cooped up in the house all day and he can't be bothered to ask how you are?

He's acting like an arsehole and he knows it.

"he'd rather do his own thing"....... I would spontaneously combust in your situation. or just say, the dog needs exercise, you will have to pay for a dog walker if you are too stupid & lazy to walk your own dog
I will not be held to blame for your unilateral decisions, & unkindness.
I would actually consider getting a taxi, take my own dog & go & visit family/friends.
He can sort out his own shit