Dating Thread 147 - Double Dating Anyone?

[TooOldForThis67]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

lifegoes It helped me. Before this date, I was in a long distance, on again/off again relationship and it tore me apart inside. As I had all these feelings for her and knowing she didn't feel the same was horrible, however I kept hanging onto every crumb of when she was nice to be in the daft belief that it would make it okay again and we'd be fine.

When I started OLD, I've only met one person and this one person is the one I'm dating now - and she has completely changed my opinion. Further upthread I mentioned that I couldn't be bothered prior to meeting her! And now it's the exact opposite. Me and my ex are back to being the friends we were initially and I'm not reading too much into any message, it's lovely having her as a best friend again and knowing I haven't lost her completely is great. But this latest date has just sort of ignited something in me - I love being around her and the dates we have are brilliant. She's certainly helped me get over the ex without her even realising!

You just haven't met the right man yet to distract you from all your thoughts about your ex, it's natural to compare to your most previous relationship but it can't be your only thought when out with someone.

Thank you @Auba14 that really helped.

The last date, just wasn't for me personally there was no spark and that's what I kept comparing.

I'm pleased that you've found someone you are happy with and has obv sparked something in you again. 😄

I was using tinder and bumble (didn't like POF) any suggestions for other good dating apps?

lifegoes I started dating again 1.5 years after my break up and my first few experiences had me coming off the apps. I did that a couple of times. But much better now. Met nice men. Better self esteem.

My ds also has Aspergers, he is very high functioning but other than sixth form he rarely leaves the house. I have had to tell him about my iron as he needs to know where I am when I stay out and there is no way that I could keep them separate for 6 months or we would never be able to spend the night here.
They haven’t met yet but as my son only spends a very occasional night at his dads it’s bound to happen sooner rather than later.

I hate the fact that this also means my ex will know that I’m dating but I can’t ask my son to keep secrets from his dad so I will just have to suck up the shit that comes with it. My ex definitely won’t be happy for me 🙄

Do people really manage to keep dating quiet from older teens? I can’t imagine how that works.

notcoolmum I can see how putting a timeline on things would seem like a very clinical approach to something that ought to evolve organically.

muilie i dont think you can as the resident parent as that would mean lying to them. My dD has anxiety and it’s imoortsnt she knows where I am so I have been honest with them both. Although now it feels like I shouldn’t have done as it’s all gone sour.
My (ex?) iron lives in a shared house and sees the boys at the family home so they don’t need to know where he is when he’s not with them. And he will phone or take calls from them when we are out together.

Mulie -My son is a younger Aspie but as my STBX is living abroad, I also don't have much choice than to 'date' at home sometimes. My son doesn't leave his room often. I always tell him that I will be having a 'friend' round, he doesn't need to know any more than that. Due to his condition, he's not much interested in my life, as long as I'm there for him.
notcool - If I had told MrBE that I wouldn't consider a holiday and he's not meeting my son until ....... then I'd imagine he'd feel upset too. Not the same I know. But it's starting out with a belief that things will work out if you BOTH want them to.

lifegoes We were both on Tinder and Bumble but came off pretty quickly as we can't be bothered to date anyone else, it's far too time consuming!

My friend at work has just signed up to Bumble and she said the quality of men on there is so much better than on Tinder when she was on there a while ago. She seems to find the whole they can't message you until you message them aspect great and helps to weed out the weird ones. I think she signed up over the weekend and has three potentials she's been talking to for the past few days. So I'd definitely say to persevere with Bumble!

@Auba14 I've found that with bumble. The men seem better, so far anyway.

I'm going to keep trying with it, I'm clinging to someone that's not even the person I thought he was.

Thank you, you've been a great help

Thanks tooold the holiday sounds exciting.
He seemed to think it would work out but at his pace and following his rules. I didn’t feel included or involved at all. Taking advice from this thread I’ve suggested we try and have the conversation again. He’s bogged down with having upset me and I’m wallowing in being upset. So we aren’t getting anywhere today.

I have been talking to Mr Artist on Bumble. Weird to be swiping again.

I tell my eldest dd about my irons so she knows where I am if I go out (she often looks after her sister for a couple hours), I have introduced people to them before but my youngest daughter behaviour gets bad if someone starts coming over too often , I’m not sure if I can really introduce anyone again, she was really close to my ex who I split with 2 years ago, he was a complete ass hole but she loved him to bits and he was pretty good with her. I think for now I’m just looking for someone to go on dates with and have a relationship away from my kids unless I find someone totally amazing who is willing to except the crazy life within these walls I call home.

I have another iron who is a old iron, he’s looking for similar to me but he works long hours and we never seem to be free at the same time, I’m not sure if we will ever actually meet.

@Notcoolmum I had a timeline in my head of around 6 months before I'd even think about introducing him. Clinical as it might sound, kids are the priority.
I do understand where he's coming from on this. I made it clear to my BF when it came to my kids, it would be done on my terms. Ex didn't even come into it as the only thing between us is the kids so unless it involves them, what I'm doing with my life is nothing to do with him

Thanks wishywashy. I’m not being asked to be introduced. Or even asking he tells them about me. But he wants us not to be out in the open as he is worried about his ex finding out. This just doesn’t sit comfortably with me. He’s a grown man. I’m a grown woman. Why does his ex have all this power and control?

@Notcoolmum no that's a fair point I understand your feelings about that

Thanks wishywashy and also slowing is down for the same reason. So he’s holding back. Why. So as not to upset his ex? So he can walk away if that’s what she demands? I don’t know or understand. But it feels like she’s a 3rd person in our relationship that I didn’t realise had a say.

NotCool does he have kids with his ex? If not then why would he give a shit what she thought? If there’s kids involved then he could be worried she would stop him seeing them? Sounds like he’s ‘not available’ if he still cares about what his ex thinks.

notcool - Did he say why he split with his ex? Maybe that has something to do with it? MrWow's ex would stop him seeing his kids everytime they disagreed about anything, mostly finances. He'd sometimes cry over the unfairness of it all.

notcool - I do understand your point and sympathise, but could it be that it's because she would try and withhold access to his kids if it came out he had a new girlfriend? Or maybe he doesn't want it to look to her like he's putting a new girlfriend before his kids and how she would perceive their relationship. She could be abusive towards him. There must be a thousand reasons why he doesn't want to tell her.

There has to be some other reason other than him just not wanting her to know - there will be more of a background and reasoning behind why. I can see why you decided it wasn't right for you and left, but I think I would drive myself crazy wondering why she had all this power and would have to try and find out!

Yes it’s aboit access to his kids. And how he thinks she would lead them to perceive him. And I’m not saying he must tell her or them or tomorrow. I’m just so upset she seems to wield all this power over our relationship. From what I can see he’s a great dad and very present.
And I’m normally always on the woman’s side so this feels odd and uncomfortable to me. In an alternate world I’d like to meet her and hear her side (obvs that isn’t a possibility!!)

Can I join you ? I split with my ex of 18 years in novenber - it was largely a sexless relationship and we spent the last 2 years constantly arguing so although its still raw in many way the relationship had been over for a long time prior to the split .As my username suggests my self esteem was really low and at 51 felt I'd never find happiness again !
Anyway i decided that if i was to stand anychance of ever having a shag again i needed to dip my toe in the water soonet rather than latet ! Joined POF 3 days a go only expecting to receive a couple of dodgy messages and have a giggle only to receive about 100 - 97 weren't my type at all but I've been messaging 3 who are 'possibles' . So firstly do I just go with the flow & secondly can someone give me the low down on how to handle this online malarkey and what to expect longer term ?

Sorry re the typos on the app

Welcome rejected - 3 irons already, well done! If you are up to it, meet sooner rather than later and treat the whole thing as a bit of fun and treat it all as a learning curve. I'm the same age as you, also 18 yrs with my STBX. The most important thing is to read the rules at the start of the thread. Once you've been on a few dates, you'll know what they mean, lol.

Thanks for that TooOld. Can I ask what an iron is - I take it you arnt referring to the thing you plug in that takes creases out of your clothes ?

NotCool this is one of the reasons I don’t date people with kids. My ex husband had 3 children with his first wife, I always felt that we had to do what pleased his ex due to fear of her stopping contact or turning the kids against him, it was very stressful and I never felt I had control over anything, when we had our own children they never came first.

rejected - Irons in the fire - blokes you are chatting to that are promising. Lol. We usually give them a name that relates to something they do or what you think of them. MrBE is MrBirdsEye as he lives on a boat. MrWow is because he has an incredibly large ......

To make you all laugh...

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/relationships/holding-up-a-fish-is-sexiest-thing-ever-confirm-women-20181111179290

It's (relatively) work-safe