Dating Thread 147 - Double Dating Anyone?

[TooOldForThis67]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

TooOld I think this would ring alarm bells with me,sorry. I have had ment offer to take me on holiday, one asked me to pick a destination and he offered to take me and my kids to Thailand, totally crazy. Had other irons do similar. I don’t think it shows they are serious, for me it showed they were desperate and thought they could buy me with fancy trips away (although I was tempted).

Yes shitwithsugaron that’s exactly how it feels. We are both adults and are free to see people so why should I be a dirty secret. All kids involved are teenagers so not babies.
He does feel guilty for leaving his kids and is worried (he says) this will spur the relationship with his ex and ultimately his kids.
He has met mine as he picks me up at the house. Just a quick hello etc. I’ve told everyone about him. My friends, family, work colleagues. I was so happy and thought things were going so well.

I feel so devastated it’s all over like that. I don’t know whether to try and have another chat about things. Or just accept it. :(

Love - I get you. It's difficult isn't it. MrBE has not even met my son but I suppose August is a long way off. My son has Aspergers and is not the easiest kid. I wont push him.

@Love
Do you even really like your iron?

TooOld both my dc’s are on the spectrum too, I’m not sure I would want to take them away with someone so new (mainly because I wouldn’t want to put my kids on anone 🤣). I’m petrified of introducing my kids to Mr SA as he doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any, mine are enough to make anyone run a mile.

Unique I like him a lot it I’m unsure about a few culture differences and the fact he has no children means he’s a bit of a free spirit. Now he’s working at a new location I have a feeling I won’t be seeing him much.

notcool - that's exactly what MrWow was thinking. Whilst I understood and never gave ultimatums, it felt like he was putting barriers up which I made it clear that I wasn't happy with. Maybe you should have a talk as 2mths in is a bit soon and that seems to be the general consensus.

MrBE is deadly serious about the holiday. He'd take us even if we were just friends. I've told him my son is not the easiest kid and he replied nor is his Mother, lol.

TooOldForThis67 I unfortunately agree with Love. Two days ago you didn't even know if your relationship would go any further after what happened and now he's talking about booking holidays for August having had a few days with you? And he hasn't even met your son. It feels like there's something not quite right with him sorry, it's a huge red flag for me that type of behaviour. I hope I'm proved wrong and it does work out but he could be the stereotypical love bomber, I'd keep an eye on it over the next few weeks and keep talking to other people and try not to overinvest.

Do any of you guys go through a post-date debrief with your date?! Me and my date seem to after every date - we talk all day every day (which we know is unsustainable long term) but after a date it tends to end up talking about I wish I'd done this or I wish I'd done that or remember when you said this and made me laugh. It's kind of like we have these moments which are just ours now and look upon them fondly. Our next date is tomorrow night, the time between them is getting less and less
And I had to tell her this morning that I'm going to a football match with my ex (who I was friends with long before we were together and are back to friends now we've broke up) - she took it well. And thanked my honesty but I feel like she's holding back a bit, said it wasn't her place to have an opinion yet! I'm really happy though, and desperately trying not to to overinvest!

Love lol what's wrong with your kids? Are the teens?

@Love
Yes I was meaning the culture clash.
And from my experience SA men do not have a sense of humour and I dislike their accents lol

Love I'm sure if a man is decent, there is no way he'd run a mile after meeting them!

It must be terrifying though the moment the children meet your new boyfriend, a thousand emotions must go through someone wondering if they'll get along and all that sort of stuff.

Question for you guys - as I don't have children myself and no plans to, how long would you wait before introducing a new partner to your children? I know Mumsnet sometimes gets a bit funny about this topic and the vipers come from their nest to make sure it's not a day under five years before being introduced

unique yes, I have 2 dd’s One is 15 (very quirky, argumentative at times and rarely goes outside) she has Aspergers, her sister is 13 in a couple weeks, Autistic and destructive 🤣, neither are very sociable but they are both well behaved when we are out, dd2 is more obviously disabled, she flaps, makes random noises and rarely stays still. This can be a bit daunting for people that don’t understand autism so to introduce them to someone who doesn’t even have expereance of children it’s a bit scary.

What happened with MrWow tooold

Of course I do remind people that I’m not looking for a step parent, they are teens and they have a dad who is involved (not that much) but obviously my kids will always be a big part of my life and I’m unsure if they will ever live independently.

@Auba14

I agree with your date regarding its not her place to have an opinion yet.
Maybe if you said your Ex was going round yours to hang out, I would be a bit hmmm

unique I don’t usually like the SA accent but for some reason his doesn’t bother me too much. Some of his views are a bit different from mine and I think his family are religious (I’m not). We do however have a lot in common in the way we think and do things. I don’t think I really know him well enough to know if he’s a long term relationship potentcial, I’m hoping after a couple more dates it will be more clear. The bedroom side of things is all good 😋

@Love
Ok sounds hard.

notcool - Tbh, I ended it because I felt like we were going no where, being a 'secret'. He had barriers up, which made me put up mine. Also, another factor was that he lived with his sister, so no where else to go but mine. I never pushed my son on him but I was miffed that it was OK for him to meet my son but not visa versa. The sex was great and that's why I put up with it! I never regretted ending it and hanging around to see what might have happened.

Love - my son is exactly the same as your 15yr old DD. MrBE doesn't have kids. I've talked a lot about my son's behaviour to him and he has a nephew with ADHD, so it shouldn't come as a total shock, lol.
I'm just going to take the whole situation as it comes. If he wants to be hasty, it's his money, not mine. It's 6 mths away, not 6 weeks.

I’m intending to keep my children and irons totally separate. Not sure how that will work in the longer term but given that my last serious and long term relationship broke down because of his difficulties with my children (and I don’t blame him too much, DD2 is disabled, autistic and incredibly challenging) I have no desire to overlap my mum life with my love/sex life. I intend to keep them separate as much as possible.

@notcoolmum I see exactly where you’re coming from. Nobody wants to feel like a dirty secret. It’s one thing to take it slowly and not rush into meeting friends, family and children but quite another to feel like you’re nonexistent and disposable.

@Notcoolmum in all honesty, I think he's being level headed and sensible rather than treating you like a dirty secret unless there's more to it than just what you've posted here?? 2 months in is still the getting to know you phase, and while it may feel all wonderful it is still really the honeymoon phase and it's so so early to be involving children, whether they're teenagers or not.
As for ex's, I don't see why it's any of their business until you're at the stage of meeting kids.
Do you feel like you could talk it through with him? Is there anything else that makes you feel like he's keeping you at arms length?

Thanks everyone. Feel like I’m hogging the thread!! wishywashy yes it felt more than not telling the ex and kids, he mentioned going slowly and it felt like he wanted to push things back. Plus having a timeline before he would feel things or tell his ex. Already decided and I’m not involved in that. I was just so hurt I couldn’t listen and needed to escape. It probably sounds over dramatic but as things had been going so well it came as an unexpected blow. I come with baggage if being cheated on and lack of commitment and I think this just brought me right back.

Don't worry about hogging the thread - that's what it's here for.

I understand Notcool.

In my case our children were all adults - yet only found out I existed by accident. I was never mentioned by name. I didn't want to play happy families, but he wouldn't call me or take a call from me if there was anyone else in the house - it felt horrible.

One of my adult DC is disabled too ....

Did you find OLD help getting over an ex?

Not sure if you rem but I started OLD last weekend, it was a nice boost for me. Went on my first date and I hated it as I kept comparing him to my ex (even tho he was a vile ex). So I came off OLD.

But I need to feel worthy again and it was nice speaking to men. I'm just wondering if anyone found it helped them or made it worse.