Social Services and boyfriend moving back in.

[jj1234565]

I am involved with social services and have been involved with them for the last 15 months due to my Ex boyfriend not doing what they say i.e attend certain courses. The reason I am still not here brooks is because I haven't ruled out ever getting back with him. We were on PLO but have recently been downgraded to Child Protection. There has been two incidents of domestic assault because of drugs. Both of which he has been to court for and pleaded guilty and served his time etc. I have spoken to social services RE getting back with him because he has sorted himself out and is now taking part and doing all the courses and is drug free and working full-time. (I don't need any advice on who I should or shouldn't be with.) - They have told him/us that if he does complete the work they ask that they could consider letting us get back together. I.e living together. Does anyone know if they are just playing him along, would they ever let us be together and live in the same home.

Is it on bbciplayer?

Yes of course I do Dame

And if agencies such as social services decide I need to be getting legal action and risk losing my kids by continuing my current lifestyle I would damn well listen to them

The "support" that a few PPs are advocating seems to be telling the OP stuff she'll have been told umpteen times before and expecting her to say, "Oh NOW I get it. Thanks so much for explaining it so clearly. You've been really helpful. Thank you!"

Not a hope. She and her BF ( "But we're in love! He's changed!") are both losers. I just hope SS move quickly and get the children away asap so some stability and love can be introduced into their wretched lives before too much damage is done.

Bottom line is that OP puts cock before kids.

If - sorry when - the children are removed, it will quickly occur to the OP and her boyfriend / loser de jour that the all the goodies, e.g. priority housing etc are no longer available. But no problemo - she'll just knock out another child. Rinse and repeat.

Yes @AngelaStorm73

Thanks @Tutlefru

Support, OP will have been heavily supported and will continue to be. At what point do you think she will listen? It doesn't matter what he's done or what people tell her. Some blunt post but tough love is sometimes what's needed. Personally I care more about her DC's because she's done the hardest thing and got the abusive twat out of her home and away from her and her DC's but she is choosing and actively seeking advice to have him return. That is where my sympathies disappeared. OP I say that as an opinionated old woman, who's been there and done that and got the t-shirt. One who struggled to get rid of an abusive exh and for nearly 12 years has brought my DC's up alone.

@Ethel80 I would say the OP has had multi agency's working with her, and surely one of the courses she would of had to have done is The Freedom Programme? I would dare to say The OP knows right from wrong but can't put her children's needs before her own. I do not care one bit if she if upset or offended, I get upset at stupid woman who put there children at risk because of their selfishness.

It really does sadden me. I love my DDs to bits and I'm so glad they've come into our lives, but that doesn't mean I don't feel very sad that their birth mum couldn't get her act together and be a mum to her DC. She grew up in the care system and was in at least 10 placements as a teenager.

I'm sorry that this OP flounced, it's a pity that there was such a pile on, but that's what can happen on here. She's heard it before from SS and others, and she no longer wants to hear it. I'm not saying that posters should have agreed with her (obviously not) but shouting at her was never going to work.

You shouldn't wish for her children to be taken into care. It will probably come to that, if the OP continues on her current course, but going into care can also be damaging to children. My DDs were adopted young, but the attachment issues are still there to be seen and it's really sad. We don't know the ages of the OP's DC, but they were probably old enough to have witnessed a lot of violence and they will have been damaged by it.

"She could get counselling. Ask for support with the dc. Make sure she's getting all the financial help she's entitled to"

I'm no expert but given the stage things are at with SS I believe all that will already have been covered & again if it's the poster I suspect she's been given loads of this kinda support already.

"If it’s the same poster graphista mentioned then she has been shown that again and again and again and she ignores it every time" yep and she's even argued that certain things "aren't necessary" like his knowing her address.

SS can't indefinitely keep policing this family and trying to keep this guy away while the op keeps trying to bring him back into her home. At some point they are going to have to intervene to protect them properly as op clearly isn't going to.

Is this documentary been on before @Tutlefru, a few years ago?

Sorry has

@Interceptor999 Please don't interact with me on this thread. I don't want to respond to people who think it's ok to call a potentially vulnerable poster stupid etc

Good luck OP. I hope everything works out for you and your DC. I hope your BF stays off drugs and behaves himself. Your happiness is important to you. I expect everything will be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?

@PanamaPattie

The SS will be in your life constantly if you take this guy back, they would be in yours and your children’s life for at least a year, the kids would stay on the ‘at risk’ register, or even go on it if they aren’t now. Your BF would be all sweetness and light when the SS were there but he’d probably give you a hard time when they went away, it will all be your fault for telling the police I’m the first place, blah blah blah.

Also, can I ask what drugs was he on? If he moves back in with you then would he be happy at financially looking after someone else’s kids?

Please have a serious think on this for another few months and I think you’ll feel very different, you have to ‘get over’ him properly and then you’ll feel different towards him, whilst it’s great that he’s doing things to change his life but he may only exhibit these changes with a new woman, you’ve already accepted some of his bad behaviours and he knows this, he knows that your going to be scared of SS finding out about more violence, if it happens, so if he does move back in and hit you then your more likely to keep it quiet and you will have to ask your kids to lie which is not good at all, this will cause anxiety for them and anxiety is bad for adults, never mind kids, he’ll have all the power over you and your kids, is this really what you want? I don’t think it is, also from what your asking then it sounds as if your boyfriend would stop all these changes at the drop of a hat, if he couldn’t move back in with you.

The SS will now be aware that you’s have been back in touch and that’s not good at all, who knows what they’re going to do next, the more you keep your BF in your life then the longer the SS will stay in it, you don’t want that for your kids I’m sure.

I also agree with other posters about drugs being no excuse for violence, violence is either in you or its not, drugs shouldn’t change that, what worries me is if he was addicted to heroin then he may hit you when he can’t afford it, seen as heroin is a physically addictive drug.

Look, I'm not going to beat you up verbally or tell you what a crap Mum you are.

However, it's important you know that relapses in ex addicts are very, very common. What happens, when that happens? As it's likely you'll have the children removed and it wouldn't be worth it.

I'd certainly not consider it now. 2-3 years time and he's completely clean then maybe you could go on trip out together but not live together.

But honestly, relationships aren't meant to be this hard. You want a companion, not someone you have to fear may revert back to their old ways.

I understand you want a life outside the children and I don't blame you - you're still a human. But when you have children your choices are going to directly impact them.

Perhaps wait a while until embarking on a relationship and spend quality time with the children or take up an interesting hobby.

Like I say, people can often act holier than thou but the essence is those advising you are coming from a place of kindness towards your children.

Please make the right decision for them.

@Ethel80 grow up.

He needs to take the blame as well.

If he was a good person/dad he would stay away from the OP and make a fresh start. He needs to enroll on a perpetrators programme and make sure he never puts another woman/child through this dysfunctional shit again

Poor kids, I imagine they will be entering the care system fairly soon if that's her reaction

Don't be a fanny, and get shot. Our society is broken due to set-ups like yours.

@jj1234565, the Social Workers are professionals who will not be playing you or your ex along. The well-being of your children is in their hands, and they will be stringent in upholding their responsibility to safeguard.

Your children have already been been exposed to domestic violence at least twice by an authority figure/caretaker who was under the influence of drugs.

A child can experience domestic abuse in multiple ways, including (1) hearing the event

(2) being directly involved as an eyewitness, by intervening, or by being used as part of the event

(3) experiencing the aftermath. They can be coerced to remain silent after the event, to keep the secret. They can be physically harmed during the event. They will live in an atmosphere of fear, anxiety and uncertainty.

The Social Workers know that children who live with domestic violence face numerous risks, including behavior, emotional and cognitive problems, as well as long-term problems with adult depression and trauma symptoms. Other risks are increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships.

And congratulations to you Kittykat for being a pathetic excuse of a human and putting getting your KICK IN before engaging your brain.

Well there are lots of underlining elements that can some into play.....

-poverty made better by a partner
-codependency - possible OP has had addiction issues too or has mental health struggles
-overwhelmed ness being single caregiver/provider
-lack of a healthy support network (you share the same unhealthy friends/social network)

That us against them mentality can be strong when your in a corner......there be dragons OP.

I'm guessing love is not among the top real reasons personally.

If OP is secretly reading.....courses are not safety. They can be a sign of motivation, cooperation, but they are just tasks in the end. Safety is the day to day changes proven over time. Unfortunately relapse is a part of addiction - that is your partners journey. It is ill advised to strap your children to that rollercoaster. But this is so, so maddeningly common place. There are ways to resolve the above without him but you'd have to want or at least choose it with commitment.

SS is involved because of you, not him. They want to know if you (parent and guardian) can and will protect. That is important to reflect on.