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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Social Services and boyfriend moving back in.

237 replies

jj1234565 · 10/02/2019 15:59

I am involved with social services and have been involved with them for the last 15 months due to my Ex boyfriend not doing what they say i.e attend certain courses. The reason I am still not here brooks is because I haven't ruled out ever getting back with him. We were on PLO but have recently been downgraded to Child Protection. There has been two incidents of domestic assault because of drugs. Both of which he has been to court for and pleaded guilty and served his time etc. I have spoken to social services RE getting back with him because he has sorted himself out and is now taking part and doing all the courses and is drug free and working full-time. (I don't need any advice on who I should or shouldn't be with.) - They have told him/us that if he does complete the work they ask that they could consider letting us get back together. I.e living together. Does anyone know if they are just playing him along, would they ever let us be together and live in the same home.

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 10/02/2019 16:56

Actually, I agree with Ethel80 - piling onto the OP won't help her in this situation, and won't make her change her mind, she'll just stop reading the thread (and probably already has).

She needs support to help her make good choices, and everyone criticising her won't achieve that.

wishingforapositiveyear · 10/02/2019 16:56

Can't believe your even considering it , your poor kids. Social services can't stop you entering into this relationship but they can stop your children witnessing further abuse!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/02/2019 16:56

Ethel80 I agree with you. We might have done the OP and her children a service if we had convinced her that social services do not ‘string people along’.
Social services see many people try to get clean, stay in employment and make other necessary changes for the sake of their children. They know how hard it is to stay off drugs. Over and over again they see people who seemed to be making great progress get sucked back into addiction so they will be extremely cautious. They will not move quickly to allow this person back into the home. It doesn’t mean there is no hope but it may well mean a couple of years of proving a stable drug-free life, not a few months. If we had communicated this to the OP, it might have helped.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2019 16:57

Op made a choice of her own free will to leave the thread. She has had free will throughout.

corythatwas · 10/02/2019 16:57

OP, if you do decide to look back...

SS have the job of protecting your children and putting them first: not only their physical safety but the assurance that their needs will be met.

SS also have a lot of experience of drug using parents and know how very difficult it is not perhaps to get clean, but to stay clean.

They need your ex-bf to show that from now on he is putting his children first.

So they ask him to do certain courses to learn how he can meet their needs.

And what does your bf do?

You told us yourself:
have been involved with them for the last 15 months due to my Ex boyfriend not doing what they say i.e attend certain courses

You tell us that you yourself have been engaging and going to all possible courses, but that is not the reassurance SS need: you are not the parent they are worried about. You can't be safe for him: he has to do it for himself.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 16:57

Deciding not to have a violent abusive drug addict around your children is not a “perfect live” it’s the bare minimum your children should be able to expect from you.

WarpedGalaxy · 10/02/2019 16:58

You’ve attended EVERY meeting and EVERY course but apparently learned nothing.

An abusive, drug-dependant ex-con or your children? Tough choice it’s not, or at least not for anyone who has their children’s well-being as a fucking priority.

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 17:00

@RedHatsDoNotSuitMe and @GetOffTheTableMabel Thank you, I was feeling very lonely and was starting to question if I was going mad!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2019 17:00

Her mindset about social services I.e. does anyone know if they are just playing him along, sems to me also to suggest that her own understanding of what social services are is poor too.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:02

There really was no need for everyone to pile on the OP. It serves no useful purpose apart from pushing her away from support. I hope you're happy with the outcome posters.

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 10/02/2019 17:05

Jesus. I agree with you Ethel WTF is wrong with some posters here? What’s more likely to convince someone to change? Serious advice or pure scorn?

Drogosnextwife · 10/02/2019 17:05

I'm guessing he's not the children's dad then.
Also guessing you are pretty young.

Why don't you just make things easy for yourself, hand the kids over to social services, them you can move him back in without those pesky social workers being involved and trying to protect your kids.

You sound like a very naive little girl, do try and grow up a bit!

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2019 17:08

There really was no need for everyone to pile on the OP. It serves no useful purpose apart from pushing her away from support. I hope you're happy with the outcome posters.

I suppose they hope that if enough people say the same thing then the OP might possibly take some notice.

And if you post on this kind of forum you can't say that you only want x number of replies of which y percent has to be supportive. The internet doesn't work like that.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:08

Women frequently stay with violent partners. That's just a fact. That he is now engaging and is clean, means that to the OP, he's a dream partner. Telling her she's a scummy mummy or the equivalent and that she's stupid, doesn't care about her kids etc., will achieve absolutely zero in terms of what you all claim to want i.e. a safe household for her and her dc.
To you, she's a nobody, and quite frankly, you do not give two craps about her kids.

You just love the opportunity to feel pious and righteous and clap yourselves on the back for how much better you are than her.

That's not advice or support which is the MN mantra.
Give your heads a wobble and look at your motivations for a few minutes and ask yourselves whether if you're really honest, you were trying to help this OP.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/02/2019 17:09

Ageist

Bluelonerose · 10/02/2019 17:10

Op I'm not quite sure what you get from this man but I CAN understand your pov.
Abusers are very manipulative and I'm sure he's sorry and promises never to do it again. But how many times have he broken that promise? Even if you think you are hiding it from the kids they know. They always know.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/02/2019 17:10

In case you come back...

Drug abuse and alcohol abuse do not make someone a bad person. They can be a reflection of having had a shit life. And some tiny minority of people who have suffered from substance abuse can pull their lives together and stay clean. However, there is a big but. Drug and alcohol use do not turn you into a violent person. They just loosen your control.

My uncle was an alkie. It killed him. He was unreliable, ran up debts, disappeared on binges, and ultimately choked to death on his own vomit. But he never, not once, was violent towards women, or children (or actually men, for that matter). Never arrested, never in a fight, never involved in domestic violence. Because he was not a violent man.

Your partner has shown that he is. That he has violence in him. That is why social services will be so reluctant, even if he is finally not taking drugs, and starting to engage with some of what they ask for. Because the drugs don't cause violence unless there is the capacity for violence in there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2019 17:10

I remain unconvinced that the op actually wanted serious advice. She to my mind wanted validation about her boyfriend being potentially moved back in, her post was mainly about him rather than her own children. Some people do indeed place their own need and want for a relationship above all else. If op does not continue to fully engage and cooperate with social services she indeed runs the very real risk of her children being removed.

Knittedfairies · 10/02/2019 17:11

Put me down as an opinionated old woman too.

lilpeach · 10/02/2019 17:14

@Ethel80 I feel like the people who may have been able to give some actual advice and help OP and potentially her DC have arrived late to the witchhunt party.

My insides twist with disgust at women who sit behind their computer screens, angrily bashing away at their keyboards as if they know the poster intrinsically and have every right to call her scum etc. Unfortunately, this forum seems to be riddled with the type.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:15

Attila, well yes - she clearly stated that in her post. Whether they would let him back.
I can guarantee you that he is now a model citizen in her eyes. The power of attraction is strong. So in her eyes, she doesn't see him as a risk. In fairness to her she did get a restraining order on him when he was a risk.

There's more than one way to skin a cat, and piling on her was not the correct approach in this instance.

ClashQueen · 10/02/2019 17:15

What an idiot

sweetmarie · 10/02/2019 17:15

He didn't assault you to the point where he received multiple sentences & you took out a restraining order because of drugs. You are minimising it.
He did those things because he chose to.
If it was a one off then maybe your story might wash, MAYBE. But he's done this to your family
more than once and you're willing to risk
Your children for him?

I don't give a stuff if you've attended every meeting, and I'm not an old woman. I've had an ex convicted of serious assault and taken out a restraining order. That's enough for me. My kids mean more than that.

If you are willing to put your kids at risk for a violent man with a criminal record then that's your choice.

If you can't see you're better off by yourself with this asswipe out of your life then your self worth must be at an all time low, if you think that somebody like this has an added value to the life of your children.

I don't care if you asked for the advice or not. Grow up and put your kids first like they deserve.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/02/2019 17:17

Just as a general reminder, sock puppeting (name changing on a thread to support your own point of view) isn’t allowed on MN.

Put me down as an opinionated old woman too 🤷🏻‍♀️

The fact of the matter is any children would be worse off having him in their lives than not and SS should say no, because that’s safer for the children.

Lizzie48 · 10/02/2019 17:18

My adopted DDs' birth mum is very similar to you. She has always prioritised her toxic relationship over her children and all her 4 DC have been adopted. My DDs went straight into foster care and came to us aged 1 (they're 9 and 6 now).

They're well bonded with us, but DD1 has attachment issues which she's about to start therapy for. It's tragic. It was the right decision to remove them because their birth parents would never have kept them safe. But we're the ones who will have to explain why they couldn't stay with their birth parents.

Your DC need you to put them first. It's not too late for you to put this right.

Sadly, the OP probably won't be reading this thread anymore.

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