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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Social Services and boyfriend moving back in.

237 replies

jj1234565 · 10/02/2019 15:59

I am involved with social services and have been involved with them for the last 15 months due to my Ex boyfriend not doing what they say i.e attend certain courses. The reason I am still not here brooks is because I haven't ruled out ever getting back with him. We were on PLO but have recently been downgraded to Child Protection. There has been two incidents of domestic assault because of drugs. Both of which he has been to court for and pleaded guilty and served his time etc. I have spoken to social services RE getting back with him because he has sorted himself out and is now taking part and doing all the courses and is drug free and working full-time. (I don't need any advice on who I should or shouldn't be with.) - They have told him/us that if he does complete the work they ask that they could consider letting us get back together. I.e living together. Does anyone know if they are just playing him along, would they ever let us be together and live in the same home.

OP posts:
SpeedbirdFoxtrot · 10/02/2019 17:19

If they're saying they'll 'consider' it but they're not rushing to give you the confirmation you want, I'd say they're not feeling entirely comfortable with the situation. If social services were of the mind that your boyfriend moving back in would result in a happy and harmonious environment that your children could thrive in, would they possibly give a more conclusive answer?

If I were you, I wouldn't continue pursuing living with this man. Creating this mess for himself is bad enough, but then failing to comply later on doesn't bode well either. Of course, there's a chance he could completely reform. But his lack of compliance in the first place would leave me feeling as though I wouldn't want to set my children up for that particular experiment. Children need consistency and dependable role models. If this person has flitted in and out of their lives because of his actions, they're going to feel anxious if he's allowed to return to it on a full-time basis.

Walk away from this now and save yourself the hassle of feeling anxious and scared. I'm guessing these proceedings are causing you to worry? Enough to post about it anyway! It sounds as though you've put your fair share of effort in with the courses, but he hasn't done the same. Does it seem as though he's worth taking a risk for? Or, is it better to release yourself from the drama and open yourself up to one of the many, many kind and loving people who exist on this Earth?

I can't say I understand your rationale for pursuing this relationship. However, I have found myself in far less troubling scenarios where I've been reluctant to cut myself off because it would feel like I had somehow wasted years of my life. Trust me when I say that your current situation falls well into the category of "It's never too late to undo a mistake." I'm sure both you and your children deserve better than this.

(FYI: Not old. Also, some of the BEST advice I've had on relationships has come from my Nan).

Toddlerteaplease · 10/02/2019 17:22

If social services feel you are not putting your children's welfare first. And putting them at risk. They can and will take them into care. Do not get back with him. You really need to get your priorities right or you will loose your children.

Ethel80 · 10/02/2019 17:23

Who is sockpuppeting @IncrediblySadToo?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2019 17:23

"Whether they would let him back".

But that is not how Social Services work because it is not up to them ultimately, its the OPs decision. OP asking that question re social services shows me that she really does have a poor understanding of what they actually do.

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 10/02/2019 17:25

I work in this area.

Taking him back is likely to result in your children being removed.
I know you are in love and want to hope for the best, but I have yet to see a case where this has not been the outcome.
Even if I’m wrong and you are the exception, is it a risk you want to take?

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:25

Clearly she meant whether they would let him back and not remove the dc. Are you sure you know what SS do?

snowbear66 · 10/02/2019 17:25

I know he's being sweet to you now, but if he moves in again he may return to a pattern of violence, drugs or no drugs.
That would mean the children would be taken in to care as you would have shown yourself incapable of safeguarding them because SS will think that you are too easily influenced by him, incapable of standing up to him.
If he moves in and he is violent you will be in a terrible position, too scared to call the police, trapped, it would be a nightmare.
Don't fall for it, it is wayy to soon to claim he's changed his character, you are far too trusting.

SpanielEars070 · 10/02/2019 17:27

What an amazing transformation ... from a druggie wife beater to model citizen in 15 months.

Hmm
Grazek · 10/02/2019 17:29

Oh OP I understand your confusion as internet is usually full of mindless tools such as yourself, not sensible people pointing out what silly little idiot you are

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 10/02/2019 17:31

AttilaTheMeerkat indeed. They will warn and advise but ultimately will watch and see it happening and then use it of evidence of the mum’s poor judgement and inability to protect her children.

It’s just so sad to see this happening so often. I work for a charity. It’s my job to lay it out and support women, but I lose sleep at night from the sheer number of mums who cannot see the reality of what future they are sleepwalking towards. It’s horribly, horribly sad.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:31

I've heard several cases of violent men being allowed access to their children. One case was even in the papers this week, I think the mother ended up murdered. Or somebody was murdered anyway.

I think that if he turns his life around for a significant period of time, they may no longer consider him a risk. How long that period will be I don't know. And really only time will tell whether he can maintain his sobriety.

In the throes of addiction, he clearly didn't engage. According to the OP, he now has a job, has been promoted, is clean and sober and is doing all the courses they require. SS will look at that too.

I would say to the OP to really value herself and her children and be cautious herself, not just being led by SS about how much she needs proof from him that he has changed. She should make her own ultimatums as to the standard of change she wants and how long she wants to see that he has really really changed.

azulmariposa · 10/02/2019 17:32

There are plenty of people out there that can offer your children a safe, loving environment. Either give your children this, without your parter or let them be adopted and give them a decent chance at life!
No way will your kids thrive in the environment you have created for them, and they will more than likely be damaged and follow the same route as you.
You are putting a man (and yourself) above the needs of your kids. Sort your priorities out.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:35

@Grazek, do you really think that calling her a mindless tool and a silly little idiot is helping?

Great advice you've given.
Round of applause.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/02/2019 17:36

I hope they do intervene, for your kids sake as their main protector ie YOU can’t or won’t keep them safe.

Meandmetoo · 10/02/2019 17:39

"would they ever let us be together and live in the same home."

Hopefully not.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/02/2019 17:42

Opinionated old woman? That's me out. Lost any vague shred of sympathy I might have had for you right there. Not doing yourself any favours. You might want to rethink your nasty ageist attitude Angry

DointItForTheKids · 10/02/2019 17:44

Everyone saying to not pile on to the OP......

After a child protection order, masses of support through that, and then getting to the point of a PLO where there was a huge risk of OPs children being taken away from her, through ALL of THAT she has failed to gain one single OUNCE of insight into the danger and negativity that man presents to her and her children.

On the strength of that and my experience working children's services, this absence of insight is the worst possible thing by SS point of view as they will see her as unfit to decision-make and advocate for her children - because she just doesn't get it.

Therefore no amount of kindliness and pointing out gently how wrong her thinking is, will help. She's clearly staggeringly unable to understand and is playing with fire with regard to losing her children. That's a choice she's making. It's not like her kids have just gone onto a child protection order for the very first time. I'd imagine they'd have been on it for a fair while and that because her partner has not complied as he was told to as part of that order, it progressed to the frightening stage of a PLO. So if she hasn't gained insight yet, she probably never will and her children will end up in care which will, sadly, be the right thing for them in order to guarantee their safety.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 17:45

What is a PLO?

SemperIdem · 10/02/2019 17:46

Everything you’ve said reminds me so much of the family legal aid cases I used to deal with.

The children usually ended up being removed and the mothers enraged at the injustice of it all.

The only injustice of course, is that an abusive druggie was prioritised above them.

I hope your children are removed from your care, quite frankly.

TheBouquets · 10/02/2019 17:48

Jeezo!
Why would any mother want a violent druggie around the children or her? Too many females take the view that any man is better than no man at all and this is so wrong.

I don't really understand this PLO to CP thing but if CP is a downgrade you are lucky your DC have not been taken already.
Why can't you live alone or find a decent man?
Do Not bring this violent druggie anywhere near your children or you.
Do you have parents, siblings etc? Do you know how worried they will be? Do you know the damage you are doing to them as well as DC?

AngelaStorm73 · 10/02/2019 17:57

PLO is the final step before children are actually taken. To get to that point the OP would have had things escalated and legal advice on probably multiple occasions but definitely at some point. Her solicitor would have explained that her DCs would be at very high risk of being taken if she didn't leave or got back together with this man. So she will have had this communicated to her through solicitors, social workers etc.

I think most people would be advising more gently if this was at initial CP conference stage (where they decide whether a CP plan is necessary or not) and OP had not had ample opportunities to understand the consequences of her actions if she got back together with him. But for the OP to be minimising his behaviour and the significance of "just" a CP plan (or. Most parents worst nightmare) is frustrating as she has obviously been sticking her fingers in her ears and wasting a lot of people's time.

punishmepunisher · 10/02/2019 18:01

Who you calling old?

Since when is it judgemental to believe that violent junkies should not have access to small children?

You were not going to get an alternative response to your post because there isn't one.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 18:07

Ah, op, I do feel for you that you're in this position. It doesn't matter what he does to you does it, how close you come to having your children taken off you, knowing even now they are under a cpo because you can't be trusted to keep them safe from him. And here you are dreaming of thr day you might be able to live with him again. It's very sad.

On a sepeate note, I'm not sure what's wrong with being opinionated or old. Surely everyone wants to get old at some point? And you're one dull fucker if you don't have an opinion on anything?

Not getting why you think it's an insult but then I don't get why you're looking to live with your abuser again and continue to put your kids at risk,.

🤷‍♀️

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:08

The point punishmepunisher is that he's now clean, so the OP is considering taking him back based on that.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 18:10

Why would any mother want a violent druggie around the children or her?

That one is sadly easy. Because it's always the same answer.

Because she loves him.