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Original poster

Social Services and boyfriend moving back in.

237 replies

jj1234565 · 10/02/2019 15:59

I am involved with social services and have been involved with them for the last 15 months due to my Ex boyfriend not doing what they say i.e attend certain courses. The reason I am still not here brooks is because I haven't ruled out ever getting back with him. We were on PLO but have recently been downgraded to Child Protection. There has been two incidents of domestic assault because of drugs. Both of which he has been to court for and pleaded guilty and served his time etc. I have spoken to social services RE getting back with him because he has sorted himself out and is now taking part and doing all the courses and is drug free and working full-time. (I don't need any advice on who I should or shouldn't be with.) - They have told him/us that if he does complete the work they ask that they could consider letting us get back together. I.e living together. Does anyone know if they are just playing him along, would they ever let us be together and live in the same home.

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/02/2019 18:13

I suspect this is a poster who regularly posts about this situation under name changes and is regularly advised, supported etc yet continues to ignore SS, ignore advice here and probably from elsewhere too (if it is that poster Iirc also own family and friends have told her numerous times to ditch this bastard, have supported her and the kids in numerous ways)

Yet the threads tend to go like this. Not always immediately as she doesn't always give the full info upfront about how bad things are. Then when that's revealed posters go

Ffs prioritise your kids

and soon after she flounces.

She's not willing to listen to GOOD sensible advice. Her kids will (if they're lucky) end up in the care system and if not on the news.

Personally - again if it's the poster I think it is, I think SS have been very lax and the children should have been removed several incidents ago

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:15

It's tough being a single parent. And being a single parent, coming out of a violent relationship, with your children at risk of being taken into care must be impossibly tough. Unfortunately, now that the ex is clean, he is an alluring prospect of support for the OP.

I can understand that. It's easy for us as outside observers to see the risks, but when you're in that life, it's not so easy to untangle your emotions.
I hope the OP gets loads of support in real life, so that maybe she can value her life and the lives of her dc. If she got some counselling for herself, she might build up her confidence and decide for herself, that he's not worth the risk.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 18:18

Graphista I know the poster you mean and I agree with you. this person will never prioritise their children over this man.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:18

Well unfortunately @Graphista , since she got a kicking straight off, we haven't been able to actually support her.
TBH, if someone told me I was a disgrace of a mother, I'd be flouncing too. Nobody could stand to hear that. There's no lower blow you can give to a mother. Whatever you might think. No need for it either in my opinion.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 10/02/2019 18:19

If you're right, then that's very sad for her, Graphista

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:20

She is already prioritising her dc. She hasn't ran off into the sunshine abandoning her children has she? It's tough on her, you have to see that and as they say, love is blind.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 10/02/2019 18:21

Wow

As an old biddy who deals with this sort of thing day in day out I would find that outburst amusing if it wasn't so commonplace

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:23

@WithAllIntenseAndPurposes Patronising much?

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:24

@WithAllIntenseAndPurposes If you deal with these cases, you could have posted more constructively.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 18:25

Dame your heart is in the right place but you’re doing the OP no favours by making excuses for her behaviour. No she isn’t prioritsing her DC. Her focus is on getting her partner back in her home.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 10/02/2019 18:25

It's tough on her Angry

It cannot have escaped you how women are killed by their abusive partner/husband. And even more tragic children killed by their fathers/mothers partner

The op is old enough to have a say in this. The children are relying solely on her to protect them. If she can't then that's when the local authority have to rightly step in

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:27

Yes, because she doesn't see him as a risk! What we could have done was gently showed her that he still is a risk. A very high risk.
She could get counselling. Ask for support with the dc. Make sure she's getting all the financial help she's entitled to, that would mean she's in a stronger position to have the ability to say No honey, I see that you're trying, but I'm in a good place now, and I really don't need you anymore.

But no..... It went the way of MN.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:31

Are you saying it's not tough on her? Not everyone has the emotional strength or the financial independence to make the right decision.
You only have to read all the threads on here about DV. Hundreds of them. Some of you have picked up on the fact that she's probably quite young. Instead of realising that she's emotionally vulnerable, you stuck the boot in. It's just not on and shouldn't be tolerated.

Some posters offered constructive advice based on experiences. Some just kicked her. Meh

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 18:33

What we could have done was gently showed her that he still is a risk. A very high risk.

If it’s the same poster graphista mentioned then she has been shown that again and again and again and she ignores it every time.

SemperIdem · 10/02/2019 18:35

Dame

Love is apparently only blind when it comes to a violent drug addict, rather than her children. Very hard...on the children.

I’ve seen this story so many times. I only managed one year dealing with Family Legal Aid cases, some of the things I saw during that time haunt me.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the op is herself from a dysfunctional if not emotionally abusive upbringing. That was a recurring theme in 99% of the cases I saw. It was multigenerational, in most cases children being removed from the family entirely was the very best thing for them.

Again and again I saw cases where a mother had lost custody because she couldn’t prioritise them over a dangerous man. It is so common.

poppingoff · 10/02/2019 18:36

The whole fact that she even asked if he's being "strung along" implies he's only finally doing as he's told so he can get back in the house, not because he actually gives a shit about what he's done.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:38

OP, if you are by some slim chance still reading, can you ask SS to refer you for counselling for yourself? Ask them for a Family Support Worker, to help you make sure you're financially in a strong position. They may be able to put extra supports in place for you, such as childcare or something, so that you can feel in a stronger more empowered position. They would be impressed to see you building up your personal power, so that you're not maybe as vulnerable to men.

You have the power to turn this around for yourself as well as your children who I'm sure you dearly love. You have that power, but take all the help you can get. Utilise SS since they're involved now anyway. Get as much help from them as you can. You'd never know how you yourself might feel or see things if you're in a stronger place.

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:41

@Semperldem
100% agree. I think most people who come from a strong emotional background wouldn't find themselves in this situation.
But it is what it is now, and hopefully the OP can feel strong enough in herself to break the pattern.
I don't know who the other poster is that you're referring to.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 10/02/2019 18:46

Dame if a child protection plan which went to PLO didn't tell her what a risk he was a bunch of 'old biddies' on here aren't going to be able to. And it's well past the point of 'gently' telling her anything

DameIfYouDo · 10/02/2019 18:53

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes
Do you think you know what's best for your children?

Tutlefru · 10/02/2019 18:56

Even if he is clean. The urge will still always be there. What if you have a row one day? What if he starts using again?

Is he really worth the risk?

Watch BBC2 documentary OP. It’s about children who have witnessed domestic abuse.

The fact you’re even contemplating it astounds me.

Move on with your life and forget about him. Concentrate on your children.

Interceptor999 · 10/02/2019 19:07

This reply has been deleted

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MinniesMum1606 · 10/02/2019 19:09

What’s the name of the BBC2 documentary @Tutlefru?

Tutlefru · 10/02/2019 19:10

@MinniesMum1606

I think it’s called Behind Closed Doors.

bugaboo218 · 10/02/2019 19:11

Jesus! Why the hell are you not putting your children first, mothering up and getting rid of the vile, drug ridden thug you want to play Daddy?

You can choose to be with who you want to be with, but do not expect your children to be part of your life if you want to choose your drug addict boyfriend!

Your children will be removed from your care and the authorities will apply for an ico. Children's Services will not mess about!

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