Social Services and boyfriend moving back in.

[jj1234565]

I am involved with social services and have been involved with them for the last 15 months due to my Ex boyfriend not doing what they say i.e attend certain courses. The reason I am still not here brooks is because I haven't ruled out ever getting back with him. We were on PLO but have recently been downgraded to Child Protection. There has been two incidents of domestic assault because of drugs. Both of which he has been to court for and pleaded guilty and served his time etc. I have spoken to social services RE getting back with him because he has sorted himself out and is now taking part and doing all the courses and is drug free and working full-time. (I don't need any advice on who I should or shouldn't be with.) - They have told him/us that if he does complete the work they ask that they could consider letting us get back together. I.e living together. Does anyone know if they are just playing him along, would they ever let us be together and live in the same home.

These relationships only ever go one way and it’s never the way the children need it to go. Yet another generation being trained in abuse and violence.

You're crazy to even consider getting back with him. Social services should be watching you really closely. I feel sorry for your children

I think they might let him back.

Has he ever been violent to the dc?
Is he their father?
I would imagine they would expect him to be clean at least 6 months though, with no further arrests before considering it.

What I will say though, is that drug addiction carries a very high risk of relapse with it. What happens if he comes back, relapses and totally loses the plot? You're back to square one then, with all the ball ache that goes along with whatever physical injuries you might have, you'll be heartbroken all over again, and this time could be worse than previous.

Just be aware of the risks you're taking. Be careful what you wish for.

Ideally, if I was you, I'd get over him and wait for a better man to come along.

Also, even if they do let him back, they will be all over him for a period. That could rile him up.

You're toying with a lot here, including the risk that your children would be removed. Think long and hard about this.

Someone sound the klaxon for the shit mother award please.
Most of these opinionated old women are the wisest, cleverest, most supportive women ever.
If you hear an opinion that doesn’t match yours and you need to resort too insults it says more about you than them.
I hope they remove your kids.

we can’t all live postive lives we can choose not to live a negative life by not living with someone that has previously abused us and put our children at risk?

OP, you just have to do what SS tell you too, if him moving back in is going to put them on the ‘at risk’ register then they must feel there’s good reason for that. I do believe that people can change but often or not a man that abuses a woman will still have it in him to do it again and SS will be thinking the same. He would have to prove himself and not just by being clean for a few months and attending a few classes. Do what is best for your children.

I'm an adoptive mum. Neither of my son's birth parents are 'bad' people, but they are both people who made very poor choices in life. Birth mum did not work with social services and as a consequence has not seen either of her children for 10 years. The eldest was adopted by me, the second stayed with dad because he at least tried to work with social services, sadly that child is now in care because he cannot consistently year in year out, day after day, put his children's needs first. He is also now working and studying, he is apparently clean, but he still can't put his son's needs first. Sadly there are now other children who may well end up in care as well.
I'm not going to offer advice about who you should have a relationship with. But social services can and will remove children who are in danger. Don't believe the stories about children being removed for no reason. My son is 14, thats how long they have worked with his birth family to try and keep the various children at home. The damage this has caused to the children will effect them for the rest of their lives.

You have a choice to make here, choose wisely

What a sad thread. Poor children. I am glad SS are involved - I know it seems to be the best plan to keep children with biological parents wherever possible, with support, but in this instance, I get the impression the children will be better off with another family, where they will be cherished and nurtured and their needs put before anything or anyone else.

Sadly some women do put their need for a relationship above the welfare of their children. The op has shot herself further in the foot by flouncing off as she did, it shows a lack of emotional maturity and an unwillingness to engage.

Those poor children. Have you considered what emotional damage you will be doing to them by bringing an abusive drug addict back into their home? They don’t get a choice about whether he is in their lives. You are deciding that for them, and are putting your own wants above their well-being and safety.

If you want to continue to be involved with this loser, fine, do it outside the home. Don’t bring your kids down with you.

Note to self: The internet is full of opinionated old woman.

Well, it's really not, is it? And there's nothing wrong with being old/er, is there?
And, of course, you'll look at this thread and all the answers.
But, the crux of the matter is, is this the best result for your children? Are you totally at peace that this 'man' is the best role model for your children? And that your decisions are in their best interest?
Well, are you?
Thank the Lord for SS. And you should be thanking them too.

Try putting your children first for once

I'm just glad there is SS involvement - let's hope they stay on it and protect those children.

Fucking hell. What kind of life are you dooming your kids to with this waster.

I too am an opinionated old woman. And my opinion is that only a raving nutcase would want a violent criminal anywhere near their children.

@viques - very well put.

If he is committed to staying off drugs, working hard, and treating those around him with respect, good for him. I hope he's successful.

However that is a long and winding road, and I wouldn't want my children to be around to see if he strays from it.

From a social worker's point of view, it looks as if you want to move him back in at the soonest opportunity available to you, regardless of the risk of emotional or physical harm to your children. Or to you, for that matter; who will take care of your kids then? You have only just been moved down to Child Protection, which is a very serious thing in of itself, and it sounds like an awful lot has happened in the last 15 months.

Surely nobody can be this blinkered and dense?

Playing with fire
SS won't stop you getting back together, so...
You will get back together and be under SS still. If anything else happens (drugs or violence, doesn't really matter) then you will be back to PLO...
Next time there will be no meetings or courses or hoops to jump through....
Your kids will be gone....
You will either be in a violent dangerous relationship indefinitely...
insane, dead, or if you are incredibly lucky in a Refuge starting your life again...

Nobody will tell you what to do
You are being given a choice
So choose

Well, CP conferences will look at how well he has engaged with services and if he has attended his programmes, then consider risk he poses. If he hasn't attended programmes that's not very promising.

As a child of someone who put their fucking alcoholic bastard of a fella over me for 16 years, you need a wake up call, love.

@Ethel80 I am not going to give reassurance to a woman who wants to move a violent drug user back into her house

"We can't all live perfect lives", but we can set the bar a bit higher than a drug addict around our children.

@Boysandbuses I didn't mention reassurance, that's the last thing I'm suggested. I said people could have tried to engage with her.

opinionated old women.

Awww poor wee lamb didn’t get what she wanted from us so has flounced. Her poor kids.

we can't all live perfect lives

No, I agree...but your children deserve you to at least try to!

You have been down graded to CP...well done 🙄

Put the drug using, abusive man down and cuddle your kids!

I have made some huge mistakes in my life, but would never make them again putting my kids at risk especially if they were based on an ex druggies word!