Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it ok for my bf to say this....

237 replies

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 18:48

'I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do. I behave in a way that I find acceptable. I can do what I like.'

This was in response to me saying that perhaps we wouldn't argue if he behaved in an acceptable way. (He always accuses me of arguing if ever ask a question or don't follow his Instructions).

This exchange came about because this morning he asked me to call his daughter and ask to borrow some money. The money is for him, not me. I didn't want to but I can't lend it him so reluctantly agreed. I said i would message rather than call as its less pressurusing for her. He was ok with that. Until she didn't read the message straight away so he hung up on me. He came back in a strop, snapped at me when I asked if was going to the gym. Then he left without a word. He came back a couple of hours later, barely spoke to me other that to tell me he was going to his mums because I couldn't lend him my old phone as its not charging properly. Of course he was annoyed about that roo.

After he made his 'I can do what I like' speech he stormed out the house. Having told me earlier that he won't be back until tomorrow evening, missing a family party he said he would come to.

Is this just me being over sensitive and over thinking? Or am I right to be upset at how he behaved? I've lost all perspective 😞

OP posts:
poppingoff · 09/02/2019 21:19

A 40+ father of two (at least?) drug user who leeches off his kid really isn't going to change.

Give it up.

poppingoff · 09/02/2019 21:20

And how often is he borrowing from his daughter? Yet he afford drugs?

Lifeisnotsimple · 09/02/2019 21:30

What a cock, sounds like hes still using. The response to not getting the money so quickly is telling. He thinks hes the big man, he can do what he wants to, no he sounds like a 3 yr old having a tantrum. You seriously need to get out of this situation before it escalates. You have a child to think about because he sure aint.

beingniceiscool11 · 09/02/2019 21:37

The thing that keeps stopping you from asking him to leave is FEAR.

Also my ex was on drugs and kept saying he would quit or quitting - I always told myself once they're out of his system he'll be nice again or it'll be better. All just excuses that we make. Because you are half afraid of his reactions and half blinded by misplaced loyalty to him because somewhere deep down you have compassion for him/feel love for him because you made a child with him/ feel sorry for him/ hope he could change/ think maybe he would change "if only.." This is all fantasy thinking to protect yourself from the reality. I've been there. It never gets better. Some men VERY rarely can change after being abusive but they have to hit ROCK BOTTOM/ lose everything. And also see clearly and truthfully that THEY were abusive and they were the cause of all their problems and own up to it, do extensive domestic violence perpetrator course and anger management for like 6 months + / get sober through a 12 Step programme / have spiritual awakening. I mean it takes A LOT and is very rare to have someone truly change this deep ingrained behaviour and attitude towards women/the world/bullying and intimidating others. Men like this NEVER change. Let's just make it simple.
My ex stopping drugs never made a blind bit of difference. He was clean and sober and still manipulative twisted horrible bully when he didn't get everything exactly how he wanted and when he was losing his grasp of power over me. And whenever DD had a tantrum or a difficult night of sleep he would lose his temper EVERY TIME. Drugs or no drugs.
He was also in his 40s. That is who he is. It's his personality, he doesn't want to change or see that his behaviour is wrong, he actually lies to himself and believes it, telling himself that it's everyone else's fault and h HAS to behave this way because so and so "won't listen" or "is stupid". This is the sign of someone with a broken empathy system and a deeply twisted brain. It's how he's learned he can behave in life because "he's a big man" he doesn't think they'll be any consequences. Well, he deserves consequences which is to lose you and the baby. Which of course he will make all your fault and guilt trip you that you are taking his baby away etc etc, he will never take responsibility for the fact it is HIS actions that have caused you to need to leave him. And if he does (my ex did at some point!) It will be an act. Always an act. Make your life free of torment and pain like mine has been for 4 years dealing with him and RUN away from this kind of person as fast as you can and do everything to keep him away from you baby. The only way you'll be able to do this is report to police and get a record of it all. Otherwise you can just be painted in future as the "irrational crazy ex who took his child to spite him". If there's police reports and you get a non-molestation order to keep him away from you then it's all in black and white and you are the sane rational one who has done EVERYTHING right for you and your baby.
Please don't make same mistakes I did.

Tieredstudentnurse · 09/02/2019 21:46

I was always told that people in our lives are meant to enhance it and make it better , if a person is not doing that than why have them around 🤷🏻‍♀️

DrMorbius · 09/02/2019 22:11

Just as a point of reference because a couple of posts have mentioned something similar as a man I have NEVER heard a man say to another man I'm a big man. No one can tell me what to do

Frainbreeze · 09/02/2019 22:14

He's an utter twat who will always treat you like crap.

Get rid.

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:17

Thank you so much for all your replies.

beingniceiscool11
You are right, fear definitely plays a part. I feel that's it's better to keep him on side rather than antagonize him

OP posts:
Weenurse · 09/02/2019 22:18

LTB

Weenurse · 09/02/2019 22:19

No, it is better to ask him to leav.
Make sure you have someone with you as this is when he is likely to get violent.

NewAndImprovedNorks · 09/02/2019 22:21

This is not right, it is not normal and it is not acceptable.

How can we help you to detach and get your own life back?

Solstice888 · 09/02/2019 22:23

Three words: narcissistic personality disorder. Google it, do the reading,save yourself from a lifetime of sorrow.

Normal people do not say things like he did. Disordered ppl do. And they get worse not better. And sooner or later, the child will suffer his wrath too. Don't just leave, ruuuuuuun!

Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2019 22:26

Run. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2019 22:29

Speak to women's aid. Get help. Keep plans to leave secret. Find out how. Make sure he does not know your plans.

I've not read all the posts sink or sure of all the details, but whatever they are, please be safe.

Frainbreeze · 09/02/2019 22:32

@beingniceiscool11 I'm so sorry for your experiences, and what you went through SadThanksThanks

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:32

beingniceiscool11
Thank you, I'm so sorry you have been through all that. I've come so close to reporting to the police but the fear kicks in every time. It makes it real. Too real and I'm scared of what would happen next.

He has already grabbed me and shoved me. Not happened again since. Of course he told me I threw myself on the floor, which is evidence that I'm crazy and that he needs to make sure our baby lives with him. And he said it was on to grab me because I had his phone in my hand and he wanted it....I think that was the drugs. He was coming down from the night before.

I know he hasn't touched the stuff for nearly 3 weeks. I only have to take one look at him now to know when he has been using. Part of me Wants to stand by him and help him beat his addiction. But the other part tells me to run. And that I should have done so months ago. What if he does beat it and he is actually a really nice person? And I walk away and my little boy grows up without his daddy because I gave up on him?

OP posts:
poppingoff · 09/02/2019 22:34

Is the house yours, OP? If so, his big man tantrum is a gift, as now you have until tomorrow evening to pack up his shit and change the locks. Hurrah!

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:35

Solstice888 that's interesting as I've been starting to wonder if he might have some kind of undiagnosed disorder. He can be completely devoid of emotion (other than amger) cold as ice

OP posts:
Frainbreeze · 09/02/2019 22:35

Oh love, he doesn't want to beat his addiction, and his violence towards you will escalate over time. I saw my DPs partner break four of her ribs, while 1yo child was coming out of the bedroom. You need need need to get out.

Weenurse · 09/02/2019 22:35

You need a safe distance from him.
If he turns out to be a nice person, you can always revisit the relationship. For now though you need to get away

Pinkypie22 · 09/02/2019 22:36

Only he came back. Never went anywhere near his mums. Apparently he is going later...but he is still here...

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2019 22:36

beingniceiscool11 I am so sorry to hear your story. Thank you for sharing it as a warning to others. Flowers

poppingoff · 09/02/2019 22:37

If by some miracle he is a nice, decent person underneath it all, there's no reason for your son to grow up without a daddy. It just won't be one who lives with him and that is perfectly fine

The alternative is you give up on yourself. And then your son really will lose out.

deadsexy · 09/02/2019 22:41

Wtf?? Read your message back he's a fucking dum loser who needs to borrow off his kids, you then go running to mum.
Yuk.

Dragongirl10 · 09/02/2019 22:41

Op forget what you want for a moment, is this the best home life for your baby?

what about when your baby is a toddler, being yelled at, seeing him mum yelled at and bullied.

what about when your toddler is crying/being stroppy/ not sleeping, how do you think this bully of a man will react?

what about when your baby is a child watching this abuse, how do you think it will afect him? his future relationships? feelings of safety?

GET OUT NOW anyway you can.......

Swipe left for the next trending thread