I've been an absolute idiot to poor dp 😫

[Ilovechocolate2day]

I feel so so awful dp of 5 months has been so lovely , great with the kids etc , treats me so well. The only thing he has made remarks on occasionally is my weight which does get me down , I am trying to do something about it . Any way I had drinks with friends at the weekend and sat and sun sent him some shitty messages , saying find someone else who is to your standard come pick up your stuff , I'm too fat for u etc..... Any way he replied he loves me and stop ,
I feel so fucking awful about it , it wasn't me talking he said he understood this but last night he was very quiet and seemed very down and disappointed , he nearly left for home but I got upset and asked him to stay and said I was so sorry and love him loads. I'm worried now this has put a strain on our relationship. I don't know what to do but in so anxious now.

Am I the “spiteful cow”? (for calling your boyfriend a dick? - he is) It’s not clear who you are replying to.

Look, it’s a shame that your thread is sidetracked (including by me) about your kids, because that criticism is making you defensive.

You said you think this site should be supportive... you’ve got 7 pages of women concerned enough about you, to say that it is not on for him to be making deliberate mean comments about your weight then shutting you down saying it was a joke.

Please, consider carefully why so many people would say that’s unacceptable? It’s the opposite of bullying - it’s people caring enough to post because they see warning signs that you don’t.

You don’t have to dump him, but you can keep your wits about you. It’s just never OK to be nasty to someone and use “it was a joke” to avoid apologising.

You're overreacting because the PPs aren't agreeing with you.

Calm down, they're not bullying you, they're not spiteful cows... your DP wasn't very nice to you and you reacted. Your post that you feel like you've done some unforgivable crime for being understandably upset at him commenting at your weight hints at the beginning of another emotionally abusive relationship (maybe not but it could be).

They're just trying to make you see that he may not be God in Earth as you seem to believe and to tread with caution from now on.

(And that you clearly have a 5 yo)

I love it when ops say he's lovely. He really isn't. He's a cock who comments. On your weight after 5 months. Give it another few months and hell be controlling what you wear, your friends etc

I think I might be the “spiteful cow” then, as I’ve just noticed a PM from you saying just “your cunt”.

Possibly hypocritical to accuse people on this thread of being bullies, if you’re going to send that kind of abuse and language to me.

Hey ho, thick skin and I can see you’re in a bit of a state.

I stand by my posts here - I don’t think it’s cuntish to point out that you didn’t have to introduce him to your kids to date, when you have a 15yo who could babysit.

And I don’t think it’s cuntish to tell you that it’s not acceptable for a man to treat you like this.

Feel free to call me a cunt if you like, but keep it to the thread hey?

I hope you realise you deserve better than him.

Going back to the original issue....

You weren't wrong to tell him off for what he said ( you knew he was out of order, he was!), you haven't been an idiot, you just stood up for yourself. He didn't feel bad for being "outspoken" with you. You're equal. Now he needs to take onboard what you've said and quit with his comments/digs... What happens now will be telling. He could either apologise and buck his ideas up, or he could make you feel bad about telling him off and downplay what he'd said.

Good grief I haven't commented until now, however if you really just sent a PM calling someone a cunt, then you are disgusting and just as low as your DP, sounds like you're well suited.

Ellisandra I hope you have reported the message.

@Tiredmumno1 I disagree, and I’m the cunt

I can have sympathy for a woman who has been treated badly by a man, who thinks he’s great and is upset that she thinks she’s messed it up who is surprised by a wall of responses concerned for her that she’s made a bad choice with him and gets defensive and takes out her anger on strangers rather than on him.

I can’t feel any sympathy for a man who insidiously undermines a woman’s emotional well-being, and claims it’s a joke to stop her from reacting.

I haven’t reported the message, because I feel that this OP is going to need support from MN more than I need to not be called a cunt

OP, if you’re still reading - there’s been some great advice posted here. Maybe come back to it tomorrow?

Ellisandra you honestly are not .

I just cannot get past the fact she sent such a nasty PM.

PP were just trying to give her advice, which she asked for and didn't like. You can't help someone who doesn't want the help unfortunately.

I agree with Kennehora, there is no excuse to behave that way regardless.

Oh dear.

FWIW I reported the 'spiteful cow' comment when it was made, as Talk Guidelines must be Adhered To at all times. Unfortunately either no-one is working, or MN deemed it admissible.

Sorry that has resulted in you being called a cunt via PM

Sorry op, but he’s not lovely. He’s a controlling arsehole. You don’t need to lose weight...you need to lose him.

....and what the hell are you thinking letting him be around your children?? What influence will he have on their young minds? They need to see their mummy being treated well. This is not positive for you or them.

OP you are bound and determined to make this man into the victim here when in reality the victim in all this is YOU. You are his victim and you just refuse to see it. Apparently you'd rather be in a controlling, manipulative relationship that be in no relationship at all. Yes, there's been some vitriol on this thread, but if you took the time to sift through it, you'd also see that there's a lot of good advice. But it's advice you don't want to heed. Fine, your bed and you can lie in it.

How very closely some women cling to the very chains that bind them.

Mothers who say they are putting their DC first then continue with terrible relationships are in their own denial. I have sympathy for you but you need to start facing up to bad decisions or you will just keep repeating them

Your DC have a strange man living in their safe space after witnessing abuse etc. You should be helping them deal with the loss of contact with their father and all the upheaval not trying to make this man happy by losing weight and stressing over sending him drunk messages. This isn’t dating - you have jumped straight in way too fast and need to slow it down. People are trying to HELP you

This man is giving you money which is clearly an incentive to keep seeing him. I know it’s hard as a single parent but you can do better than him

How were his comments about your weight a joke exactly, OP? What was funny about it? Did it make you and him laugh? In my experience most jokes are humorous and usually make ppl laugh. Jokes don’t make one feel bad about themselves, don't hurt ppl’s feelings, don’t make ppl feel defensive, etc. Calling it a joke and telling you not to bring it up again is not ok. Do you deliberately say things to him that are critical and hurt his feelings and then shit him down totally when he tells you how it made him feel? If he doesn’t want to hear how his criticisms make you feel then maybe he should keep them to himself.

  Posters are not bullying you at all. You are not seeing all the red flags that everyone else is. You’ve gotten some great advice on here and that <span class="italic">is</span> support, it’s just not what you wanted to hear obviously.

*shut him down, not shit

OP you are flat out alarming me. You say:

'.....he didn't stay overnight at first I would not have had that ! .... I do put my children first , I would never have them in danger by far !'

1: This IS RIGHT NOW 'at first' - literally, 20 weeks of dating IS still 'at first'. Can you not see this??

2: You say 'I would never put them in danger by far!' - as a minimum have you done THIS?

3: Why are you not answering aka ignoring uber valid questions from PPs? You do yourself - and more importantly your DC - a huge disservice by not answering those questions, even if only to yourself.

I'm guessing you met this guy OLD given what you say about not being able to get out, is that right? Likewise - and I say this with some fucking grim experience - you can know literally nothing about this man after 5 months yet already he's doing school runs??

I'm an ex copper and can frankly say to you that literally everything you have written - and everything you have avoided writing - is screaming risk at me. Are you that fucking desperate to have a bloke on your arm, to have the other mums at school 'see' you have a bloke, that you would jeopardise your kids safety this way? Truly, WTAF. Makes me want to weep.

EPIC x-post - I missed page 2 (my bad). Fuck this shit. I've reported your 'spiteful cow' comment and I'm dumping my attempts at politeness and just going for direct:

Ex copper here who has seen firsthand what unknown and swift new 'partners' (tho 5 months is a boyfriend at best) can do in absence of actual parental care. You are overtly endangering your children. That's not 'bullying', that's an accurate assessment of risk based on your own words.

Grow the fuck up and put your kids first.

Fuck me. I have been in an abusive relationship. I have anxiety.
No way do I let guys who I have known 2 minutes into my kids' lives. You want to know why?
Because I care about their well-being. I want to make sure they are safe and I do not want a string of blokes in and out of their lives.

If this twat wasn't around how would you get the kids to school?

It's odd that you see the posters as bullying, yet you seem to be minimising the bullying from this man.

Stop thinking with your fanny and start thinking about your kids. They need stability and to feel safe in their home.

While I have sympathy with the op due to her past relationship. That's not an excuse for her behaviour.

She is allowing this man access to her life and kids at an early stage, because he pays for stuff and gives her lifts. It's that simple.

She is willing to put up with the shit. And eventually he will start making jokes about the kids that upset them.

Anyone telling her that she needs walk away will be met with claims of bullying and her handing abuse out. It's not unusual for people to bounce from one abusive relationship to the next.

So while I sympathy, I feel sorry for the kids. The op is an adult. The kids aren't choosing to have this dick in their life.