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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been an absolute idiot to poor dp 😫

260 replies

Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 13:50

I feel so so awful dp of 5 months has been so lovely , great with the kids etc , treats me so well. The only thing he has made remarks on occasionally is my weight which does get me down , I am trying to do something about it . Any way I had drinks with friends at the weekend and sat and sun sent him some shitty messages , saying find someone else who is to your standard come pick up your stuff , I'm too fat for u etc..... Any way he replied he loves me and stop ,
I feel so fucking awful about it , it wasn't me talking he said he understood this but last night he was very quiet and seemed very down and disappointed , he nearly left for home but I got upset and asked him to stay and said I was so sorry and love him loads. I'm worried now this has put a strain on our relationship. I don't know what to do but in so anxious now.

OP posts:
Kennehora · 05/02/2019 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psychologika · 05/02/2019 17:30

How old are your kids??

Fuckingnamechanging · 05/02/2019 17:35

I'm finding this absolutely terrifying, that any female can put her children in such danger. Bloody crazy!

PookieDo · 05/02/2019 17:52

As a seasoned veteran of both children and dating I always read these posts and cringe. I did make mistakes like this and I look back on it now and think WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?

It actually hurts to be told that you are in fact taking advantage of your children’s ages. As they are so small you can ‘get away’ with idiotic things like moving a bloke in after a couple of months and DC take it in their stride - or so you think

Fast forward 10 years to when they are teenagers they will understand their own emotions better. They may well be really angry with you that you took advantage of their innocence to plonk a bloke into their home. You can’t get away with doing it when they are teenagers as they usually speak up and have more of their own mind about it, but I made a similar bad choice - thankfully I saw sense and got rid of him but the damage is done. It made my DC mistrust my judgement for quite some time - rightly so

You can’t look at little kids and think - oh they don’t mind, it doesn’t affect them, too small to know
Because what it is that you have unintentionally invaded their safe space with a stranger you do not know very well and put them at risk and they are just too young to understand that yet

Zwischenwasser · 05/02/2019 17:55

Wow, if you are in the NE I wonder if you are going out with my male Colleague. The timeline is right.

He dumped his Mrs, and got in with a woman with a couple of kids, within 5 months he’d pretty much moved in.

He is fine as a colleague but something about him sets my radar off. I was gobsmacked his new partner let him meet the kids so soon. I wouldn’t introduce him to my kids.

He’s taking then on holiday soon too.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2019 18:08

Too much too quick.

Boysandbuses · 05/02/2019 18:14

You met him through your friend?

Though you don't have support? Did he meet the kids there and then?

PolkaDoting · 05/02/2019 18:18

He's making you need him ... conditioning you to think you can't manage without him. Sewing little seeds in your mind that you aren't all that, a bit overweight... nobody else will have you.
Before you know it you won't be able to cope without him and he can treat you however he likes and you'll be grateful for whatever he throws at you!!!

So true!

Ballbags · 05/02/2019 18:25

I'm a fat bitch and NOT ONCE in 20 years has my husband mentioned my weight.

PositiveVibez · 05/02/2019 18:33

he didn't stay overnight at first

First what? First night the kids met him? First week after you met him? First month?

I'm sorry, but anyone with good intentions, who already has a child themselves, would be putting their kids first.

I wouldn't dream of dropping the kids off at school with a man who has been in their lives for 2 minutes, let alone one who tells me I'm fat!!

What is wrong with you woman!!!!

category12 · 05/02/2019 18:35

Drunk you has far more sense than sober you. Shock

MadameDD · 05/02/2019 18:36

If someone made those comments to me about my weight 5 months into the relationship then I’d be binning them off. Not big or clever of anyone to do this this early on even as a joke and it smacks of controlling behaviour.

Giesabreak · 05/02/2019 18:55

Where were the kids at the weekend if you never have a babysitter?

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 20:08

With me we were at home

OP posts:
Boysandbuses · 05/02/2019 20:10

While you were pissed?

Lovemusic33 · 05/02/2019 20:16

I agree that he is conditioning you, he does lots for you because he wants you to feel that you need him and can’t be without him then he can control you.

If any man dared to mention my weight or appearance he would be gone straight away, if some one truly love you then they would love everything about about you including your body shape.

Stop letting him do everything for you, no woman needs a man, take your own kids to school, pay for your own kids and stop letting him take over.

PrismGuile · 05/02/2019 20:20

You got drunk and messaged him some mean things, he's made some hurtful 'jokes'.

You both need to Have a conversation and either get over it or don't.

Not the end of the world

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 20:37

Wow some of these replies ! Absolutely awful , I'm a size 16 ! It's hardly obese ! I walk when I can but if it's freezing or pouring down and my 5 yp doesn't want to walk 4 miles cause it's so cold yes I get a lift , I thought this was a place women support each other , I've had nothing but you all put me down and claim I'm so wrong , last time I seek advice on here ! And I've been on here years !

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 05/02/2019 20:38
  1. Why are you not driving?
  2. You met him through a friend - how?
  3. How old are your kids?

When my ex left me I didn’t date for at least two years as I had no support network and no way was I introducing a bloke to my kids in order to have male company.

5 months. You don’t know him. Kids are resilient but it doesn’t mean you don’t need to put them first.

misskiki69 · 05/02/2019 20:39

You've come on here to ask for advice but don't seem to have actually taken on board anything suggested to you. If he's mocking your weight, after just a few weeks, god only knows what he'll be doing years down the line. I'm shocked that you've allowed him into your children's lives after such a short time.

Transpeaked · 05/02/2019 20:41

And what about the messages expressing concern over his behaviour and his quickly he’s made himself indispensable? Those are messages of concern - likely from women who’ve got the souvenir shop (and this is almost EXACTLY how my relationship with my abusive bastard started - it did not end well for me or my children) when it comes to abuse experience.

category12 · 05/02/2019 20:42

Hard to support someone who is apparently making the sorts of decisions you are, OP. Your drunk self has more a grip.

owl2015 · 05/02/2019 20:44

I feel like this thread is a bit much. Where is the kindness? The OP has made some very poor choices, but the majority of posts here are VICTIM BLAMING and not supportive of her, or helping her. It smells of a pack mentality and it's not nice or helpful. By all means criticise the OP's choices, but do so in a respectful manner. This is why women get such a bad rep when they are together ganging up on others. It reminds me of bullying at school. We can be better.

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 20:48

It is seriously like bullying ? It's all my fault ? Let's attack me and put me down to make you all feel perfect, as I am.sure you all are , wow

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 20:50

My children are 15, 13 and 8 and are very accepting of him, their father was abusive and nasty and arrogant and they never ask after him , says a lot , DP has been a breath of fresh air , and yes maybe too soon , but these things happen , they are all excelling in school and very happy kids , he made a shitty comment and I gave him abuse , I feel bad I was brutal on him when he has been so.kind to us all 🤔

OP posts:
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