I've been an absolute idiot to poor dp 😫

[Ilovechocolate2day]

I feel so so awful dp of 5 months has been so lovely , great with the kids etc , treats me so well. The only thing he has made remarks on occasionally is my weight which does get me down , I am trying to do something about it . Any way I had drinks with friends at the weekend and sat and sun sent him some shitty messages , saying find someone else who is to your standard come pick up your stuff , I'm too fat for u etc..... Any way he replied he loves me and stop ,
I feel so fucking awful about it , it wasn't me talking he said he understood this but last night he was very quiet and seemed very down and disappointed , he nearly left for home but I got upset and asked him to stay and said I was so sorry and love him loads. I'm worried now this has put a strain on our relationship. I don't know what to do but in so anxious now.

@Missingstreetlife Wed 06-Feb-19 08:12:13

'Sophia stop telling everyone you were a plod. We don't need to know every time you post'

Hi @MissingStreetLife. I take your point but no, I won't stop prefacing my posts - on threads where it's relevant - that I was a (fairly senior and pretty hardened, sickened if honest) Police Officer. If it's a thread re criminality but especially re women and/or DC where risk is observed, sorry but I won't shut my experience down if I believe it's relevant and can help in some way.

There are tonnes of posts where I make no mention of it but where I do it's to try and get through to somebody - OP being a case in point - what actual reality is like. I am, quite genuinely, sorry if that offends you but no I won't stop mentioning it if it's relevant.

Peace. Soph

@WhatTheNightBrings Share your concern/frustration. I reported OPs post also yet it seemed to stand for ages in spite of fact it was a blatant personal attack on another poster. Bewildering that it was standing for so long.

I'm genuinely concerned for these kids. I hope OP will maybe re-visit thread and see that no-one was 'bullying' her - rather that, as Mothers and maybe also some of us with relevant professional experience, we are fucking shit scared for her and her kids.

Sophia - I think your experience and expertise is totally relevant here. OP should be listening to you, of all posters, if you are Police. She needs to realise that real life abusers (of children, women) are out there - and they start like this.

Don't stop passing on your very-relevant advice.

I haven't read through all of the replies here but the trend is awful.
No wonder the op is upset.
I have to wonder at the judgement of some of the posters. It's as if they know the OP's partner intimately and are offering an analysis of his character and objectives with some knowledge.
I sometimes wonder what kind of home lives some of them have. The tiniest remark that isn't 100% PC and they advise divorce or seeking help for abuse .
Sad when people come on here for help and comfort and only get abuse.
I've had friends for many many years and I can tell you joking remarks from their partners about weight is common place.

Multiple women myself included have made the same error of judgement, or just able to see why it is so inappropriate to enmesh a strange man into young vulnerable children’s lives. We speak from experience and knowledge. The OP does not like the harsh reality of her own actions and I am sorry for that

pusspuss9 yeah people are worried because they have no home life.

Maybe it's because they have seen the signs in their own life or friends life. Or here on mn. Or know that abuse rarely starts with obvious signs. It usually starts with a man who is mainly amazing, sweeps someone of their feet but starts chipping away at their self esteem. Someone who immeaditatly loves the kids, does anything for them, love bombs the woman and kids.

If abusers were abusive from the first date, they wouldn't get as far as they do.

What absolute shit show have I just read? From the OP.... Is this thread even genuine!?

He calls you fat and you feel bad for telling him to find someone else but if he called you ugly then you would split up with him?

Your 15 year old!!!!! 15 year old, doesn't want to walk to school in the cold and in the rain so you are showing your child that it is ok to accept lifts from someone you have known for 5 months because the 'offers there' and he pays for treats so accepting lifts is second nature. Great!!!!
For context, my 11 year old walks to and from school every single day and yes all children are different, but seriously!?

You have been in an abusive relationship that has ended after 14 years, well done for getting out, to only waltz straight into another controlling, demeaning, manipulative and well on the way to being abusive relationship? Seriously?!?!

This man has stayed overnight under the same roof as your children, and you've been dating (it is not a relationship after such a short period of time) for 5 months!!?? Your rationale is because you were unable to meet up with the lack of childcare and no support, he had to come to your house.....where your children live?!?! But then you all of a sudden have a mum who thinks he's great, but she's not screaming down the house about you having him in your home and around your children after 5 months and then you state she can't have them because she struggles with all 3 but they're not small toddlers, they're 15, 13 and 8!!?? But she can't handle them all at once?!? And you're 34 years old!! My age!!!! And this is how you live your life!!??

WHAT THE ACTUAL F@@K!!??

And then you say he's lovely because he pays for skiing trips and the cinema!!??? But he calls you fat and makes you feel crap about yourself? Has ingratiated himself into your family life, which YOU have allowed and makes you feel like crap!!?? But he buys you ice-cream and stuff?

NO ONE should be in the personal space of where your children are so fast. It is where they should be safe, stable and secure, not where a random man rocks up and 'stays' over.

You should not be inviting ANY man you barely know into your home because you want to 'meet up' and have no outside support so 'hey just come over, my kids are here but whatever!'

Your mother should be the one telling you how wrong and reckless this is and offering to have your GROWN up children for an hour so you can go for a coffee with him, because you're so desperate to 'meet up.'

If this man was a decent father, he himself would never, ever have agreed to come to your home to 'meet up' and or suggested it because.....it's NOT SAFE or good parenting.

I could go on and on....

Bitching at posters that are giving you facts, common sense, safety advice and even empathy is not going to get you anywhere! You sound immature, desperate (you'll clearly put up with sub-standard treatment and put your children at risk!) dare I even say vulnerable and I really, really hope you know what you're doing.

I work with the NSPCC, Women's Aid AND have seen first hand how these kind of situations play out, not always but enough for me to conduct my life with common sense and awareness as a parent of children. You seem completely the opposite!

Absolutely insane!

I appreciate your post @ciderhouserules - thank you

I never - literally never - mention either my role or my experience on threads where it's not relevant (maybe @missingstreetlife should do an advanced search and would see that it's only on threads like this I flag it?). But truly, on threads where I see victims in waiting - literally, carbon copies of shouts I had to attend if you roll that tape forward - no, I won't shut up and I won't not flag that my comment stems from real fucking life horrors. The same horrors that ultimately led to me having to leave the force/a job I loved and was good at being the actual reality here.

A few days ago I posted on an unrelated thread that I thought people who didn't actually know facts &/or experience shouldn't post shit passing it off as 'fact' and I include myself in that. I'll handhold &/or offer empathy but I won't pretend to know the core issues thy're dealing with. Flat out wouldn't do it. But on threads where I can see clear risk through an experienced prism &/or can offer informed painfully fucking informed advice I absolutely will, irrespective of one poster essentially telling me to 'pipe down', tho I won't lie, that post stung... I've had a brutal shift pattern over past few days (i work in Close Protection now) and feeling low and tired but yet I still don't want to ever be 'that person' who walks on by. I'm sorry if that offends anyone (tho baffled at to why it might offend/irritate them?) but if I can offer an informed view I will.

Anyone can advance search and see where I do and do not preface my posts with my RL experience and thank god I have enough self esteem/self awareness/awareness of my RL experiences and observations to know that PP who told me to pipe down is flat out wrong. If I can help just one woman, one child, with my experience then I can live with being told to 'pipe down' by a stranger on the internet (whilst at the same time accepting that maybe she/he has seen more than a few posts where I'm clear on the position I'm coming from and maybe they are bored of it. I can live with that but I can't live with not trying to help a child/children at patent risk)

Sorry, long post - too tired to synthesise it but those are my views. Maybe if @MissingStreetLife (and as yet non existent others) tell me enough to shut up I might, just through the fucking weariness off it, but fundamentally if I can and while I can I'll do/say what I believe might help

@SophiaLovesSummer, don't justify your position to anyone. Your advice, knowledge and experience may well save someone's life or at the very least make them stop and think about what they're doing.

You march on sister! (That sounded way cooler in my head!) You're doing nothing wrong and only good things can come from promoting awareness for men and women.

At 5 months, I'd ditch him. My abusive ex once commented about my how my breasts sag. The way he commented is truly nasty tbh.

Oth, if in a longer term, generally healthy and loving relationship, concerns about weight gain from a partner are not without foundation.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't priortise their health, or let go of their appearance. To me, in the aforementioned relationship scenario, weight gain usually signals letting go of mental and physical health, which is of course not healthy in the long term.

i do understand that people's personal experiences will warn them that certain behaviours often lead to certain conclusions, I get that 100% .
This is why being 'judgemental' is a good thing (not bad as it's often portrayed nowadays). You use your past experiences to let you judge what might happen next.

The issue I have with this is that other experiences would have led to a different outcome. In this thread it seemed to me that most posters assumed because he made that remark he was an out an out villain and has to be discarded. He may be that, but equally he may not. It seemed that some posters just wanted to stick the knife into him and destroy what she judged to be a good thing in her life. In their zeal to portray him as bad and she as irresponsible, they totally disregarded the other possibilities.

What a fucking shit show
5 months!!
Give your head a wobble though from your lack of recognition to what anyone has said to you so far you clearly don't care

He has made the remark several times in 5 months. It doesn't take a genius to see it upset her.

Either way letting him being involved with the kids so soon is really stupid behaviour. Relying in him financially is really stupid behaviour.

You can't say that's not ridiculous.

Yet another woman putting a man before her kids... when he hits you, and it will be when, not if, then you will be on here all about how you had no idea he could be like that.

How rude you are OP! You've had tonnes of great advice and you claim you're not a bully but your comments scream otherwise

FWIW I've been with my fella for 8 months now an he doesn't stay over, but that's because he appreciates children come first after being raised by his mum alone and knows my child comes first. We do lovely things but don't bombard my son at all. I see a future with this man but would NEVER put him before my son, and the first sign of him making shitty, negative comments towards me, it would be game over

You don't want to listen and come out with shitty " I didn't write that" excuses, is your name Shaggy?

More fool you if you stay. But not that you'll listen

Wow i will never ask advice on here again , I apologise for wasting all your time, and .seeking help else where , again thank you all for your input , if there is a way to delete this post ?

I'm snuggled up with my doggy , hopefully things will fall in place

@Ilovechocolate2day, please! You have 10 pages worth of advice, a vast, vast majority of it very constructive and concerning. You have not once engaged positively with any of it and have only defended what to most is an indefensible position. It is infuriating for others because your reckless and ridiculous approach just highlights your total inability to see any perspective other than your own which then leads me to believe it's because what most people are saying is accurate, you find it hurtful and so choose to ignore it and get aggressive instead.

Nothing will 'fall' into place until you raise the bar, set a much higher standard for yourself and stop attaching your self worth to being 'in a relationship' with someone who isn't kind to you and you have set no healthy boundaries with.
5months
Staying over
Money being given to you
Children being taken to school by him
NO NO NO NO!!!!

Think about it.

Ilovechocolate - you haven't wasted anyone's time. Don't go. Despite what you might think, you're getting some good advice here. It might be 'tough love' but people genuinely don't want to see you and/or your children get hurt. Let the dust settle and then come back and re-read the comments here. No one is saying all this to bully you or hurt you. A lot of it is borne out of frustration with seeing you career into an almost certain train wreck with this guy. That's all.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Your thread started with you explaining that you’d sent “shitty messages” to your boyfriend, so you kind of have form for it @ilovechocolate2day

Btw I was posting from outside of the UK last night, if the time of my screenshot confuses anyone!

What are MNHQ doing about this?

They deleted the post calling me a spiteful cow (I’m still at a loss as to why my posts stood out for that?!).

In my report I said that I wasn’t asking them to block the OP (don’t know if they would anyway, for one PM?) because I thought the relationship she’s in meant that she might need MN.

They said that they were looking into several reports, and advised me that I could use the block poster button in PMs, if I wished.

I’m happy with that response.

Kind of less happy that the OP is denying it