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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been an absolute idiot to poor dp 😫

260 replies

Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 13:50

I feel so so awful dp of 5 months has been so lovely , great with the kids etc , treats me so well. The only thing he has made remarks on occasionally is my weight which does get me down , I am trying to do something about it . Any way I had drinks with friends at the weekend and sat and sun sent him some shitty messages , saying find someone else who is to your standard come pick up your stuff , I'm too fat for u etc..... Any way he replied he loves me and stop ,
I feel so fucking awful about it , it wasn't me talking he said he understood this but last night he was very quiet and seemed very down and disappointed , he nearly left for home but I got upset and asked him to stay and said I was so sorry and love him loads. I'm worried now this has put a strain on our relationship. I don't know what to do but in so anxious now.

OP posts:
whatamidoingwithmylife · 05/02/2019 16:10

Is be wary. He shouldn't be commenting about your weight like that.
My ex was the same and although I don't think he really meant anything by it, I knew he didn't find my size attractive which really affected how I felt about him.
I always felt that there were digs behind little things he said when maybe there actually weren't, I was just super sensitive about feeling fat.

Maybe try to explain how his comments make you feel. This never worked on my ex though as all he'd say is that personality is more important (not what I wanted to hear at that time).

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2019 16:11

Please don’t let him hang around making you feel bad about yourself because you think you’re indebted to him for lifts and money. Holidays can be cancelled too. You’re self esteem and your children seeing you respected and cared for is more important than trips to the cinema.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2019 16:11

*your!

crimsonlake · 05/02/2019 16:15

I am concerned that you are asking if it is wrong that you have met his son, this means you really have no self awareness about getting in to new relationships and how they can effect your children's lives when you involve them also. You need to make sure that any relationship you have is going to go the distance or it is very unfair and unsettling for your children, you need to put them first.

ferrymeoff · 05/02/2019 16:17

I put up with snide remarks about my size 16 weight from my husband for quite a while. Then I decided to tell him everything that I did not like about him,
Bald spot, lack of dress sense, eating with mouth open etc. I could go on. I have to say that I felt much better and his remarks stopped.
He even had the nerve to say that he had been trying to help me lose weight but the remarks had only sent me back in the kitchen for more biscuits. I think that the truth is more like keeping someone down and in their place, either that or they are stupid.

Kismetjayn · 05/02/2019 16:18

So your kids are alone with this guy you barely know, who buys them treats like cinema trips and ice-skating, and puts you down for being fat, diminishing your confidence, while being otherwise so kind you rely on him?

None of this sounds okay.
#grooming

feralfanny · 05/02/2019 16:20

He's making you need him ... conditioning you to think you can't manage without him. Sewing little seeds in your mind that you aren't all that, a bit overweight... nobody else will have you.

Before you know it you won't be able to cope without him and he can treat you however he likes and you'll be grateful for whatever he throws at you!!!
This is a classic emotional abuse script and you need to take off your blinkers and see it for what it is. You will harm your dc if they see you taking this bullshit.
Is it really worth it for a few trips out and hell with the school run?

Crocky · 05/02/2019 16:20

How long had you known him when he met your children?

haverhill · 05/02/2019 16:20

In the nicest way, someone who's been in your life 5 months isn't your partner.
It sounds like everything has moved way too fast. Comments about your weight are unkind and unnecessary. It doesn't bode well for the future.

MMmomDD · 05/02/2019 16:24

“He didn’t stay overnight at first”....

You do realise that most people don’t introduce new men to their kids for at least 6mo, and some wait a year.....
And he started sleeping at your house - what at 2? 3mo?....

He is paying for holiday, for you and 3 kids after 5mo of dating someone he thinks is a bit on a heavy side for him? And now you are dependent on him for transportation????
This just gets worse and worse with every new update.

Don’t know if you have any daughters. But if one day she came to you with this story - what would you think?
Too good to be true?
Because it is.
This will not end well.

You need to give yourself a major reality check and wonder why this man is acting this way.
And slow down. And stop taking his money.
And start driving again.

Mustgetonwithit · 05/02/2019 16:31

Sounds controlling to me. I'd be wary. Don't leave yourself open to becoming weak and vulnerable. Take back control of yr life before he swallows you up whole and spits you back out. Not always easy to see when yr wearing rose coloured glasses.

thecatsthecats · 05/02/2019 16:34

By the way I put on 6st since I started dating my husband.

The VERY closest I could get him to saying he had a problem with my weight was 'Well, obviously we've both put weight on, but I think you're gorgeous and sexy'.

Having a lovely supportive husband really helped when it came to losing 4st btw...

pickledparsnip · 05/02/2019 16:36

Please tell him to fuck off. You deserve far more than this. Listen to what everyone is saying. These men follow a pattern, and he is showing you what an utter shit he is. Please listen.

Missingstreetlife · 05/02/2019 16:43

Next time he makes a joke at your expense, or about dc, look him straight in the eye, say it's not funny and ask for an apology.
See how you get on.

Boysandbuses · 05/02/2019 16:44

Why won't you answer where you met him?

It's been 5 months. You have no idea if he is good with his son or not.

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 16:50

I don't leave my children alone with him we drop together then he takes me to work , he doesn't have to it's my choice to take up the offer

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 05/02/2019 16:50

Well spring is around the corner so walking to school/ work will be more pleasant soon. Why aren't you able to drive now?Is this something that will change in the near future?

Please consider saying to him that you want space for a week to consider the relationship and whether it is right for you all. I think his reaction will be very telling.

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 16:50

I met him through a mutual friend a year ago

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 05/02/2019 16:51

Having him ingrained in your children's life after 5 months is not putting them first. You need to get to know partners better so when they behave like arseholes (like being an arsehole about your weight) you can dump them without it affecting your children.

Kismetjayn · 05/02/2019 16:53

He doesn't have to but the fact he wanted to, and offers, and gives them treats (like days out) this early on is still extremely indicative of grooming.

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 17:05

I told him in my texts to find someone to his standard and I'm done with it 🤣

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 05/02/2019 17:09

Are you done with it or are you going to try and keep it going?

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 17:11

I really don't know I think now he knows he has pisseed me off if he does it again I'm done but I suppose a chance wouldn't hurt

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 05/02/2019 17:12

Neither of you appears to take responsibility for what you say. He dismisses his vile behaviour as joking and you blame alcohol for your unfiltered truth telling. The alcohol loosened your tongue, it didn’t create a situation unrelated to how you actually feel. He passively aggressively told you exactly how he feels about your weight but is too chicken shit to own it.

I have to agree with others, your entanglement of 20 weeks has red flags. Did you undergo any counselling after your abusive relationship? it appears you have done the classic, replacing one abuser for another, all be it a different kind of abuse.

You need to slow this down and you need to learn about your role in an abusive dynamic. Unfortunately, abusive men can spot a vulnerable woman at 50 paces and has more understanding of your vulnerability than their potential victim.

Parthenope · 05/02/2019 17:18

OP, for crying out loud, what does it tell you about your self-esteem and your lack of boundaries, and the unpleasant dynamic of this relationship physical dependence for day to day activities, financial contributions, far too much contact with your children for a 5-month relationship, and bodyshaming that you have a better grasp on things when you're drunk than sober?

The fatshaming thing is largely irrelevant, it seems to be -- what alarms me is your claims that he's 'lovely', and that it must all be ok because your mother likes him. Presumably because he's not negging her about her weight.