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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been an absolute idiot to poor dp 😫

260 replies

Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 13:50

I feel so so awful dp of 5 months has been so lovely , great with the kids etc , treats me so well. The only thing he has made remarks on occasionally is my weight which does get me down , I am trying to do something about it . Any way I had drinks with friends at the weekend and sat and sun sent him some shitty messages , saying find someone else who is to your standard come pick up your stuff , I'm too fat for u etc..... Any way he replied he loves me and stop ,
I feel so fucking awful about it , it wasn't me talking he said he understood this but last night he was very quiet and seemed very down and disappointed , he nearly left for home but I got upset and asked him to stay and said I was so sorry and love him loads. I'm worried now this has put a strain on our relationship. I don't know what to do but in so anxious now.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 05/02/2019 15:35

You seem to be making alot of excuses for him.

At the very least, you need to make it clear to him that commenting on your weight is not acceptable, ever. He's certainly no muscle machine as you said so he can keep those comments to himself in future.

You're feeling guilty because he's making you feel that way. You were standing up for yourself. Granted alcohol may have had a part to play in the ferocity of it but you were essentially
acting on what you were already feeling.

As previous people have said, he really should be thinking that you are the most glorious goddess to set foot on earth.

It is quite concerning that he has become so involved, so quickly. I won't delve into that but I think some of the questions on here that have been directed at you in regards to his involvement are quite important to think about. Some men are very good at making themselves seem very nice and indispensable when they're actually not.

Klopptimist · 05/02/2019 15:37

I'm going to sound like a complete arse here but fuck it, this needs saying:

Are you really that desperate for a man that you'll put up with this shit? Yes, you might get sex and money from this man but at what cost? Honest to God, you'd retain more self esteem by going on the game.

ChinnyReckonn · 05/02/2019 15:37

He might be a walking red flag but so is OP, if the roles were reversed the man would be accused of using OP for childcare and bleeding her dry/potential cocklodger!!

sillysmiles · 05/02/2019 15:37

Have a listen, the whole way through, to episode 36 of Real Crime Profiles Podcast
www.stitcher.com/podcast/wondery/real-crime-profile/e/48070260

NameChangeNugget · 05/02/2019 15:40

if the roles were reversed the man would be accused of using OP for childcare and bleeding her dry/potential cocklodger

Exactly what I thought

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2019 15:41

"The reason he was introduced is because I had no one to look after the kids so we can meet up , I have no support network what so ever, their dad has no interest since I ended our 14 year relationship he won't even financially help so the only way I could meet up with him was to introduce him, yes he does sound controlling that has been in my head, but he is also really lovely , my mum adores him also".

This is really horrifying and on so many levels. Your boundaries are so poor here. He knows that all too well. You've now ended up in tears and apologising to him!. Your mother does not live day to day with this person and she, like you, really do not know this man at all.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You mention only your mother in your post, where is your own father here?.

He needs to now become your ex boyfriend permanently. Please consider having some counselling to work out exactly why a person like this man was so easily able to inveigle his way to your lives as he has done. Your ex as well remains financially responsible for his children; have you pursued a claim against him?

3luckystars · 05/02/2019 15:43

When the drink goes in, the truth comes out.

Get drunk again and dump him. The guilt you felt was a hangover! Take some solpadiene and you will be fine in a few days. (And will have lost several stone of useless weight!)

Good luck.

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 15:43

He is has a son who is very good with and he didn't stay overnight at first I would not have had that ! I am financially independent but he pays for extras like cinemas , ice skating and things that I struggle with at a stretch , he has also booked us a holiday , I do put my children first , I would never have them in danger by far !

OP posts:
Tweety1981 · 05/02/2019 15:44

Tell him to sod off . No guy worth holding on to is gonna moan about your weight after 5 months .

Tractortod · 05/02/2019 15:45

Fucking hell. You introduced him to your kids after 5 months?! And he's doing school runs & financially supporting them?

Have some self respect. Your boundaries are non existent...... I don't even know where to start on him commenting on your weight.

OP will be back in two years no doubt trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship.

PUT. YOUR. KIDS. FIRST. Hmm

NannyRed · 05/02/2019 15:46

We speak the truth when we are drunk.

He is making you unhappy. Make it clear to him that he can’t be a twat to you. Put him on last warning, one more comment about your weight and you are entitled to smother him in her s sleep.😃

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 05/02/2019 15:48

He is still an arsehole. If he cannot accept the way you are by making pathetic remarks about your appearance, then find someone else who will.

Oddcat · 05/02/2019 15:48

School run ? After 5 months ? Your weight is the least of your problems- your boundaries need sorting first !

Imsosorryalan1 · 05/02/2019 15:48

But you haven't put your kids first, but a shag's a shag eh?

SinkGirl · 05/02/2019 15:48

OP, this is classic beginning stages of domestic abuse. I’m sure you love your children - get yourself out of this before that’s no longer possible because he’s cut you off from any support, made sure you’re financially reliant on him, etc. Do you work? If so has he started gently suggesting that you quit yet? Started expressing dislike for your friends?

You deserve better than this. One day, if you leave now, you’ll look back and realise you’ve had a lucky escape.

ImNotKitten · 05/02/2019 15:49

You are putting your children in danger! You don’t know him! 5 months is no time at all. This is scary.

SkaterGrrrrl · 05/02/2019 15:49

Run a mile. Put your babies first.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 05/02/2019 15:50

Then again, my husband once told me I was fat 6 months after I gave birth.. I did gain a lot of weight (I've lost it all now). He is not skinny himself so I told him he was a fat cunt as well.

Let's say that He soon shut his fat gob after and haven't said a word about my weight since. I said to him if you cannot take it, then don't dish it out (pardon the pun).

AnoukSpirit · 05/02/2019 15:50

It's not just violence that damages children. Coercive control destroys lives.

yes he does sound controlling that has been in my head, but he is also really lovely

Almost every single controlling man who ever walked the earth was also impossibly charming. How do you think they'd ever get close enough to anyone to take control of them if they weren't capable of appearing charming? I mean, seriously, would you have gone anywhere near him if he'd started off by calling you fat?

Out of interest, are you teaching your children that they can be as cruel and nasty to other people as they like so long as they say "I'm just joking" afterwards? If not, why are you accepting that excuse from him?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

trulybadlydeeply · 05/02/2019 15:53

You must be more or less the same size as when you met a few weeks ago, so if he found you attractive then he should find you attractive now.

The fact is though, that he's playing a game. A game of control. He's been lovely to you, helped out massively with your DC, and even supported you financially. Your Mum thinks he's wonderful, and he just seems like the perfect man. This is how it starts. You are very much under his spell. Then it starts, the digs about your weight. They weren't "jokes" they were spiteful comments. Slowly trying to lower your self esteem and your self confidence. You then bit, and responded as you did, as these remarks (quite rightly) made you feel like crap. Probably being with your friends plus the alcohol gave you the courage to actually let him know how it was making you feel.

Then the game really begins, because he says it's all a joke, and you "need to stop bring it up". You are now more vulnerable and under his control than ever, and feel you are the one in the wrong and need to apologise to him.

He will no doubt forgive you, and allow you to make it up to him. And so it will go on, and on, and on, until he has complete control over your life.

Have a week without seeing him or contacting him, tell him you need some space to think, then focus on what is really best for you and your DC. I bet oyu anything he won't like that.

secondarymincepie · 05/02/2019 15:55

I don't think there's anything in what the OP has said that makes her boyfriend sound controlling and abusive. It sounds like they both have some boundary issues and are not mature enough to deal with adult relationships.

Loughers · 05/02/2019 15:55

Honestly!!

OP has said he's a good bloke yet she's being advised to leave him for mentioning her weight.......

Ok it's not a nice thing form him to do but ffs!

Do some people on here not realise how dangerous their opinions can be when people are in a vulnerable state?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2019 16:03

You are not putting your kids first.

It’s very worrying you think you are.

Is this the first man your children have had doing the school run since you left their dad?

Once again, how were you managing before he came in on his white horse to rescue you?

RivanQueen · 05/02/2019 16:05

yes he does sound controlling that has been in my head, but he is also really lovely

So was Ted Bundy.

I do put my children first , I would never have them in danger by far !

You aren't seeing the danger signs he is showing you so clearly though. Coercive control is just as dangerous and damaging as physical assault. It's all abuse. His behaviour, and your reactions, are teaching them how to be bullies "I was only joking" when he comments inappropriately on your weight and how to be victims - you are now apologising to him because you stood up for yourself how dare you, you need to stop bringing up what he said that upset you.

You need to tell your mum what he's said to you and get her opinion, I bet she'll be appalled at him and she won't find him so charming anymore.

Original poster
Ilovechocolate2day · 05/02/2019 16:07

I was managing until I can't drive anymore there are no local buses and u can't afford cabs everyday , so he drops me to work and LO to school , I don't have to I could walk and he isn't there all the week so some days I do walk it

OP posts: