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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be satisfied by one woman

131 replies

CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 17:33

I would really appreciate some advice from you all regarding how you would feel if your boyfriend/partner/husband said this.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.

Today I asked him if he ever thought about having another woman and he quite enthusiastically told me that he sometimes thinks it would be good to have women with various different attributes as his girlfriend. I don’t have any of these attributes he mentioned.

I then asked him if he thought one woman would ever be enough for him. He told me that he didn’t know and that he thought it was human nature to always want something different.

At no point did he say he was happy with what he’s got.

I do appreciate his honesty, as he is nothing if not honest and I know I asked the question and I shouldn’t have asked if I don’t want to hear the answer.

I do want to hear the answer but it makes me think that we are never going to go anywhere. My self esteem is really low since we got together and this just made me feel terrible - like I am always going to be on permanent probation almost until someone ‘different’ comes along.

Am I overreacting? The thing that I thought when I was wondering if I want someone different is that it would be lovely to have someone who loves and cares about me and doesn’t treat me like an inconvenience.

Thanks for listening. I’m sorry this is a bit of a pity party but I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to about this.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 17:35

Oh Op

I'm saddened you even have to askThanks

Strip his power and make some decisions for him

lickencivers · 04/02/2019 17:35

I'm sorry I haven't got past the bit where you say You've been together 5 year and he has NEVER said he loves you. What the heck

NameChangeNugget · 04/02/2019 17:37

You did ask the question and he’s been honest.

The question now is what you’re going to do with that information.

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 17:37

God, he sounds awful! I would take the power away from him, as a PP says, and tell him that actually he's not enough for you, so you're dumping him.

There are some lovely men out there - there's no need to stay with a knob like this.

AnotherEmma · 04/02/2019 17:38

FIVE YEARS and he's never said he loves you?!!
What have you been doing wasting your time with him for all those years?
How old are you?
Have you had an unhappy childhood or bad experiences with relationships in the past?
Just wondering why you don't know that you deserve better.

StarCutterCookie · 04/02/2019 17:38

Do you really need to ask?

Why be someone who you've had low self esteem with from the start, are you a secret sadist?

Draw a line under it and move on, go and find someone who makes you feel great from the very start.

Giesabreak · 04/02/2019 17:38

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.

You've been with him 4 years and 6 months too long already.

Apple103 · 04/02/2019 17:40

He is telling you loud and clear exactly what you mean to him. You would be foolish to stay with him. Theres no coming back from this.

Haworthia · 04/02/2019 17:41

Whatever you do, don’t convince yourself you need to stay with this man otherwise the last five years will have been “wasted”.

This man has told you how much you mean to him... or rather he hasn’t.

You can walk away and recover your self esteem.

Moffa · 04/02/2019 17:42

Walk away. He won’t get warmer. He’ll get colder & colder until you freeze Flowers

TinDogTavern · 04/02/2019 17:46

He sounds pretty unpleasant. No wonder your self-esteem has been low since you've been with him. You are not over-reacting.

TheMoonOwl · 04/02/2019 17:46

He sounds like my autistic friend at university who couldn't understand why we "had" to get "everything" from one person.

He's been in and out of poly relationships for about 10 years now.

Only you can decide if you can live with a cold distant man who won't say I love you.

Adora10 · 04/02/2019 17:48

Stop wasting any more time on a man that thinks nothing of you, he sounds emotionally retarded at best and thinks nothing of hurting your feelings, just get rid and work on your self worth because if you think this is good enough you are seriously lacking in confidence.

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 18:44

Thanks for your advice.

To answer some of the questions, I didn’t have low self esteem when we got together. It wasn’t until about two years into the relationship that this happened.

I have seen a therapist to work through my issues and I am still working on this. The problem is he convinces me that what he is saying is normal and that I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 04/02/2019 18:48

What he is saying is not normal.

Haworthia · 04/02/2019 19:05

That’s gaslighting.

pallisers · 04/02/2019 19:12

He is the reason your self-esteem is low. Lose him and you'll feel better a lot faster.

I keep saying this on MN but you are supposed to be with someone who is thrilled to be with you and thinks he is damn lucky to have you.

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 04/02/2019 19:12

There’s only one way to respond really:
Him: I don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied by just one woman.
You: Aw, diddums. There’s the door. Byeeee!

Giesabreak · 04/02/2019 19:16

So you are effectively having therapy for low self esteem caused by this man, while remaining in a relationship with him? Ditch him and save yourself the money. That advice is free!

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 19:52

@geisabreak - actually when you put it like that, it sounds a bit mad doesn’t it? Thanks - that’s a new perspective.

He has just messaged me asking if he is in the dog house. I don’t think I will reply.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 04/02/2019 20:05

@CeeCee58

I don’t think I will reply.

Good idea.

Giesabreak · 04/02/2019 20:14

No, OP. You should reply eventually. I don't think ghosting after 5 years is practical, surely?

Tell him he's not in the doghouse (I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking you're upset), but you have realised that there's no future in the relationship, and can you make arrangements for handing back (or ideally passing on) personal belongings, keys, etc.

You deserve way better!

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 20:22

I will reply eventually but I just don’t feel like replying right now. I don’t want to get dragged into an inevitable discussion about how I’m overreacting, I just don’t have the strength.

OP posts:
DareDevil223 · 04/02/2019 20:24

Seriously, ditch this arsehole and your self-esteem will improve dramatically. I've been with DP for over 6 years, he tells me he loves me every day and shows it in the way he treats me. I deserve that and you deserve someone who treats you like that as well.

Don't settle for this.

Noqont · 04/02/2019 20:26

Leave and give yourself a chance to find someone who respects and loves you. Don't waste your life on second best.

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