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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be satisfied by one woman

131 replies

CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 17:33

I would really appreciate some advice from you all regarding how you would feel if your boyfriend/partner/husband said this.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.

Today I asked him if he ever thought about having another woman and he quite enthusiastically told me that he sometimes thinks it would be good to have women with various different attributes as his girlfriend. I don’t have any of these attributes he mentioned.

I then asked him if he thought one woman would ever be enough for him. He told me that he didn’t know and that he thought it was human nature to always want something different.

At no point did he say he was happy with what he’s got.

I do appreciate his honesty, as he is nothing if not honest and I know I asked the question and I shouldn’t have asked if I don’t want to hear the answer.

I do want to hear the answer but it makes me think that we are never going to go anywhere. My self esteem is really low since we got together and this just made me feel terrible - like I am always going to be on permanent probation almost until someone ‘different’ comes along.

Am I overreacting? The thing that I thought when I was wondering if I want someone different is that it would be lovely to have someone who loves and cares about me and doesn’t treat me like an inconvenience.

Thanks for listening. I’m sorry this is a bit of a pity party but I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to about this.

OP posts:
Zwischenwasser · 04/02/2019 20:29

Ditch him.

But for the love of Pete don’t try to explain it to him, he’ll just mess with your head.

Just tell him you arent feeling it anymore or something bland.

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/02/2019 20:29

How old are you, OP?

RomanyRoots · 04/02/2019 20:31

Omg we've been together for 30 years and we tell each other every day and mean it. We get on each others nerves sometimes but neither of us would be without the other.
What you have isn't love it's endurance and life should be fun.
seriously, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think!

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 20:31

I’m 35. He is a bit older

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 04/02/2019 20:31

Hey did of him asap OP. He is basically trying to get you to agree to him having sex with other woman or an affair! What a twat. Has he cheated before?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2019 20:32

Even without that crass comment this man is dragging you down

Ditch him and your self esteem will recover

MsDogLady · 04/02/2019 20:34

Let’s see:

*Emotionally cold.
*Never says he loves you.
*Treats you like an inconvenience.
*Intentionally hurts you by listing his fantasy woman attributes that you don’t have.
*Believes it is human nature to always want different women.
*Gaslights you into believing you are overreacting.
*You are in therapy for low self-esteem.

Surely your therapist has pointed out that such hurtful behavior is not normal. Why should you stay with a man who drags you so far down?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/02/2019 20:35

OP you deserve so much better. Ditch him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2019 20:35

Oh love. Not normal. At all.

Couldn’t agree more that you deserve to be with someone who’s thrilled to be with you and makes you feel it every day.

What is holding you back from leaving? I couldn’t see whether or not you live together.

Bruisetooeasily · 04/02/2019 20:36

Op you are not over reacting you are in fact under reacting
If my partner of 5 years never said he loved me or would be satisfied with me as the only woman in his life and I was aware like he was eroding my self esteem I'd be heartbroken firstly and then would have to let him know the door is that way ---->

Also his 'normal ' doesn't have to be yours
You do not have to accept everything this man says to you especially if what he says hurts your feelings
As how you feel is actually what matters most

AnyFucker · 04/02/2019 20:37

the wonderful Alison has it

AdaColeman · 04/02/2019 20:37

When they tell you who they are....believe them.
He will never be the loving, caring man you want, need and deserve.
Don't waste any more of your life on this self centred man.
Leave him, and find someone decent to love who will be worthy of you.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 04/02/2019 20:39

I think you need to set him free to pursue his dreams of a harem, OP. I imagine your self-esteem will improve immeasurably thereafter.

Crazyfrog007 · 04/02/2019 20:39

OP, he is an ass hat.

You deserve better.

Shortyboo · 04/02/2019 20:40

This is happening to someone I know. He’s not that into you and is happy to keep stringing you along until someone else he likes more comes along. He’s wasting your time

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 20:42

Thankfully we don’t live together. I have my own house, job and money so that’s not a problem.

Getting together with him coincided with the unexpected death of my father and my therapist thinks this might have something to do with my reluctance to ditch someone who is clearly not good for me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2019 20:46

I’m sorry you lost your dad Flowers

It’s good you already have a supportive therapist.

Can you imagine your life in say 6 months time if you end the relationship? Change is often scary but you know you’re no happy now. Life isn’t better with this man in it, it’s ruining your self esteem and you’re feeling stressed, confused, hurt, unappreciated. Things will be so much better without him dragging you down.

Treacletoots · 04/02/2019 20:46

Haha @crazyfrog007 one of my favourite phrases, asshat. I actually dumped someone very similar to the Ops delight of a partner by calling him an asshat. To which he said 'what's an asshat....?'

I told him its a polite way of saying you're a total cunt. Which is what your 'd' p is by the way OP. Get rid of the useless twunt and start living your life for yourself

SuziQ10 · 04/02/2019 21:12

Sounds like you are wasting valuable time on this person.

minipie · 04/02/2019 21:19

Good god OP. Please split up with him and don’t look back. I bet within a few months (if not sooner) you will feel like a weight has lifted.

waterrat · 04/02/2019 21:20

Op ..do you know the saying..if you keep on doing what you've always done you'll keep on getting what you've always got

Make the change walk away and soon you will be coming out of the tunnel of sadness free to build a happy life

I couldn't get over your OP..he has never said he loves you. Please leave him!

Sproutsandall · 04/02/2019 21:25

I had an ex like that, OP. I was constantly made to feel that I wasn’t quite good enough. It did a massive number on my self esteem.
Eventually, I left him. He begged me to come back, but I’d had enough by then. My self esteem has been great since.
Please leave him. Give yourself a chance at being happy, because you never will be with this arsehole.

RednaxelasPony · 04/02/2019 21:37

The good news is if you dump him, you will never have to listen to his self-justifying rants ever again. Bonus!

MyOtherProfile · 04/02/2019 21:41

Thankfully we don’t live together. I have my own house, job and money so that’s not a problem.
Excellent. Easier to get rid of him than it might have been. You are worth so much more than what he is half heartedly offering.

Loka123 · 04/02/2019 21:47

Of course he will say what he's saying is "normal".. that's what every such guy would say.. some men will say it's normal to stalk their partner, some will say it's normal to tell their partner what to wear etc. People do it to justify their awful behaviour.

You ask if you are over-reacting.. I think you are UNDER reacting to be honest. He's basically told you the type of person he is and him being honest doesn't make him a nice guy - he's been honest so if and when you catch him cheating, he can say "I told you before, I don't think I can be with one woman so I was honest and you knew this was gonna happen, etc."

I think your relationship can only go one way and that's with more distance. He didn't say it in the heat of an argument due to anger etc. He said it calmly because that is probably how he feels. It's not your fault, it's just the way some people are wired.

When he listed attributes, he would have obviously picked to list attributes you don't have so your self-esteem gets lower (as people with low self esteem will allow themselves to be put second best, won't challenge him or threaten to leave before he's got his next target) so he intentionally does it to make you feel that way. If you were blonde, he'd say he prefers brunettes and if you were a brunette, he'd say he prefers blondes.. I've met men who do this - will compliment your attributes all throughout the love bombing stage and then do a complete U-turn later on, about the exact same attributes.

Out of curiosity, what attributes was he listing?

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