Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be satisfied by one woman

131 replies

CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 17:33

I would really appreciate some advice from you all regarding how you would feel if your boyfriend/partner/husband said this.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.

Today I asked him if he ever thought about having another woman and he quite enthusiastically told me that he sometimes thinks it would be good to have women with various different attributes as his girlfriend. I don’t have any of these attributes he mentioned.

I then asked him if he thought one woman would ever be enough for him. He told me that he didn’t know and that he thought it was human nature to always want something different.

At no point did he say he was happy with what he’s got.

I do appreciate his honesty, as he is nothing if not honest and I know I asked the question and I shouldn’t have asked if I don’t want to hear the answer.

I do want to hear the answer but it makes me think that we are never going to go anywhere. My self esteem is really low since we got together and this just made me feel terrible - like I am always going to be on permanent probation almost until someone ‘different’ comes along.

Am I overreacting? The thing that I thought when I was wondering if I want someone different is that it would be lovely to have someone who loves and cares about me and doesn’t treat me like an inconvenience.

Thanks for listening. I’m sorry this is a bit of a pity party but I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to about this.

OP posts:
zebakrheum · 04/02/2019 21:53

Give him a taste of his own medicine and send him a list of all the attributes he doesn't have.

MitziK · 04/02/2019 21:54

He's not exactly capable of satisfying one woman at the moment.

Boot him and let him disappoint and depress several at once.

Snowdrop30 · 04/02/2019 21:58

There's only one reasonable reaction to that: "Hahahaha - cheerio, then"

bialystockandbloom · 04/02/2019 22:04

snowdrop yes - or alternatively "hahahahaha fuck right off then"

Honestly OP you are wasting your precious time and destroying your self-esteem on this man. And he is also wasting your time.

Annandale · 04/02/2019 22:04

Agree with not arguing with him. What is there to argue about? He has told you what he wants from life/relationships (no need to go into the details). You want something else (no need to go into the details). it's over. 'Oh you're overreacting' - well, actions have consequences. He says stuff, other stuff may happen. Like you realising that your wishes for YOUR OWN LIFE have validity.

Don't think it is your responsibility to make him understand what you think, or to make him think differently. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything for him, or with him, ever again. You are about two minutes from freedom.

I try not to say LTB on here, I'm a fan of trying to keep relationships going if possible. But right now, I'm single and just thrumming with the joy of not having to listen to this kind of crap from anyone.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/02/2019 22:13

flabbergasted tea spitting

Run...Very far and fast and ensure you pass an STD clinic on the way!

That prick has serial cheat stamped on his forehead in permanent red ink....

You've been warned!

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/02/2019 22:17

As for the reply to the message may I suggest a simple yet clear tumbleweed emoji Grin

rededucator · 04/02/2019 22:17

Out of all the horrendous behaviour from your OH you mentioned there is one line that stands out for me 'my self este is really low since we got together'. That is the complete opposite of what you should feel in a relationship m. Your other half should raise your self esteem and self worth every single day. Get rid.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/02/2019 22:21

Don’t frame it as ‘am I over-reacting’

It’s ‘am I happy with this?’

No.

Lizzie48 · 04/02/2019 22:31

I agree with PPs that the thing that stands out is that after being together with you for 5 years he's never said he loves you. You deserve so much better. Thanks

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 05/02/2019 06:41

Thanks again. I feel a little bit upset this morning.

I realise I can’t force him to love me. I can’t force him to want to compliment me. I can’t force him to stop staring at other women. I can’t force him to be happy with only one woman for the rest of his life.

I just can’t be happy if I am always going to be waiting for him to find someone better.

I know when we discuss this, he will twist his words and try to make me feel like I am wrong.

I told him yesterday before I left that I wasn’t going to be second best to anyone and that I would not hold him back if he wanted to try going out with other women.

He then said I was overreacting. I wouldn’t dream of saying to him that I don’t know if he’d always be enough for me. I totally appreciate that men are always going to find other women attractive - I find other men attractive but he’d never know it because I don’t make a big thing out of staring at them in front of me.

However, it is hurtful to hear that my boyfriend of five years is thinking about dating other women and can’t say that he would be happy with one woman.

I’m sorry this is long again.

OP posts:
anotherwearytraveller · 05/02/2019 06:49

Oh OP.

Don’t analyse this and go full circle in convincing yourself you are lacking for not being able to put up with it

You are central here and this man isn’t making you happy

He sounds a cold heartless arse tbh but even if he were Prince Charming if he isn’t making YOU happy and whole then he isn’t right for you

Whoever made you think you should compromise wanting to feel cherished and wanted and loved has set you up for utter misery.

Relationships do involve compromise but not for things like that.

Please don’t settle

You sound so downtrodden and defeated

It ISNT your fault that he behaves like this.

But it is your fault that you are staying.

Leave, calmly without drama just explain that you need more and won’t be looking for it from him.

Then start living your life to the absolute full, travel, have fun, laugh and start to really
know and love yourself and then meet someone new

Good luck. It’s not too late and your future self will thank you

Dexra · 05/02/2019 06:50

I know when we discuss this, he will twist his words and try to make me feel like I am wrong.

Then don't discuss it with him. If he's going to manipulate you, just end it without discussion. You owe him nothing.

I have a friend who was with a man who sounds like yours. In 5 years he never told her he loved her and he would make her feel like she was being irrational for wanting anything other than the meagre scraps he threw her. He'd go on about how attractive other women were and the relationship was entirely on his terms. She finally ended it and she's so happy now.

Hanab · 05/02/2019 06:57

OP you got an honest answer to your question .. it is now up to you to decide to be the doormat or set yourself free & find somebody who will only want you 🌷

It’s easy for us to put our thoughts up on the forum but only you can decide if you will just hang on & hope you will be his everything whilst he plays mind games with you.

🌷

Weezol · 05/02/2019 07:01

As Dex says, there's no need for a discussion. Decide what you want - it doesn't have to involve his gaslighting word salad.

Make today be the day that you put yourself first and begin to regain your self-esteem.

OnTheHop · 05/02/2019 07:08

“Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.”

Well, never mind his assertion that he cannot be satisfied by one woman, you can’t be satisfied by this one man!

By telling you it is your reaction that is wrong he is gaslighting you. He treats you badly, you feel upset, he tells you you have no reason to be upset and have ‘issues’, you are wrong to feel upset... of course your self esteem will plummet!

AuntieGeek · 05/02/2019 07:15

Tell him this in the text responding to his:
I appreciate your honesty. I want more than you have shown yourself capable of providing. This relationship is now over. Take care and goodbye.

If he tries "you're overreacting", remind yourself (and him if necessary) that you do not need his permission to end the relationship.

Loopytiles · 05/02/2019 07:19

Do yourself a massive favour and run for the hills!

Have you discussed with your therapist why, given his behaviour, you have remained in the relationship for so long?

BlueUggs · 05/02/2019 07:25

No discussion.

"Boyfriend, I've decided I don't want to be with you anymore. Please do fuck off immediately".

imanoldbattleaxe · 05/02/2019 07:25

I think it's fair to say that he doesn't know what love is. You've wasted five years on this man, you deserve better. Cut your losses and run.

Esspee · 05/02/2019 07:28

I suggest you take a couple of weeks away from him (holiday in the sun?) It will give you thinking time. Then dump him. You deserve better OP.

Trevorwhatever · 05/02/2019 07:32

What is it you love about this man op? What good qualities does he have? What are you afraid will happen if you split with him? Surely single life cannot be worse than life with someone who constantly brings you down and makes you feel rubbish about yourself.

Sarcelle · 05/02/2019 07:46

He thinks you are a convenience for him and useful to have around at the moment, but he is constantly looking out for more and better. You are more and better, but not just to him.

There is somebody out there who wants to put you in a pedestal, and even if you never find him, put yourself on your own damn pedestal and wave goodbye to this half life with your charmless boyfriend.

In a way he has done you a favour. Your relationship is in a cul de sac, there is no way you could give up your independent life (own house etc) for him because you would be giving up so much for so little. So, this is as good as it gets.

At the moment you are not thriving, you are living your life as you see yourself reflected in his eyes, and as he finds you wanting your self esteem gets further eroded. You need to step outside of the situation and gain perspective.

Send him the bland text (and mean it), wish him well but he cannot give you what you want in a relationship and it is time to say goodbye. Keep it dignified, let him go, open yourself up to the new - new outlook, opportunities, possibly down the line a new relationship but one where your self esteem has been restored and you feel like an equal rather than the "she will do".

Heismyopendoor · 05/02/2019 07:52

You are worth so so much more. You deserve so much more too!

Time to call it a day and I think you know that. Don’t get sucked in to the crap he spouts. Run, don’t walk away.

RockyFlintstone · 05/02/2019 07:55

Bin him.

Do it today.

You deserve so much better.

Swipe left for the next trending thread