Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be satisfied by one woman

131 replies

CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 17:33

I would really appreciate some advice from you all regarding how you would feel if your boyfriend/partner/husband said this.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.

Today I asked him if he ever thought about having another woman and he quite enthusiastically told me that he sometimes thinks it would be good to have women with various different attributes as his girlfriend. I don’t have any of these attributes he mentioned.

I then asked him if he thought one woman would ever be enough for him. He told me that he didn’t know and that he thought it was human nature to always want something different.

At no point did he say he was happy with what he’s got.

I do appreciate his honesty, as he is nothing if not honest and I know I asked the question and I shouldn’t have asked if I don’t want to hear the answer.

I do want to hear the answer but it makes me think that we are never going to go anywhere. My self esteem is really low since we got together and this just made me feel terrible - like I am always going to be on permanent probation almost until someone ‘different’ comes along.

Am I overreacting? The thing that I thought when I was wondering if I want someone different is that it would be lovely to have someone who loves and cares about me and doesn’t treat me like an inconvenience.

Thanks for listening. I’m sorry this is a bit of a pity party but I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to about this.

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 06/02/2019 11:04

The bottom line is that he's not meeting your needs; that's enough to show him the door.

Sakura7 · 06/02/2019 11:15

OP I stupidly stayed with a man like this for seven years. He eventually decided he didn't want to commit as he 'wasn't sure' about us. He had always been emotionally stunted (to put it mildly) but like you I always questioned if I was asking for too much and if this was normal. I see now that it wasn't.

After a year and a half on my own, where I actually felt like I got back to being myself, I met my current DP. I was happier alone (after the initial shock of the breakup) than I had been with my ex, and happier again now I'm with someone who is right for me. He's a kind, generous man who tells me he loves me and backs it up with his actions. The relationship couldn't be more different to my old one, and I'm so so glad things have worked out as they have.

You deserve better OP, and you'll be happier on your own than with a man who treats you like this. And once you recover your self-esteem you can think about dating - there are good men out there.

poglets · 06/02/2019 17:29

I had a toxic relationship like this. I booked myself a two week holiday in Croatia with some friends. It was about 8 years ago and I didn't regularly check my mobile.

That fortnight was what I needed to break the cycle with the man. At the time, when I came back from the holiday and I saw he had called and text me and I'd ignored it, I had regrets. I don't have any now. I did myself a massive favor. I'm now married with two children in a totally different life.

Create some space for you. Your self esteem will sky rocket once the worst is over and you can become strong and independent.

Original poster

CeeCee58 · 06/02/2019 17:33

Thanks for all your support.

I am doing what a number of you have suggested and giving myself some space away from him. This is very difficult as we work in the same building. He has appeared a few times today and done his usual sulky man routine.

I’m going to work from home for the next few days and I am looking at booking a late deal holiday away with my mother.

OP posts:

ltk · 06/02/2019 17:40

No wonder you have low self esteem! He is the cause of it. Dump his sorry arse and you will soon enough start to feel like yourself again. You sound lovely; don't waste another day on him.

ltk · 06/02/2019 17:42

And a holiday with your Mum is a great idea. She can spend the whole time telling you how fabulous you are. It can be easy to ignore Mums when they do that, but I suggest you listen up.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 06/02/2019 19:14

You don't have to discuss anything with him. You don't even need to speak to him again if you don't want to.

All it takes is one simple text to reply to him: No you aren't in the doghouse but you have confirmed to me that this relationship isn't working so I'm going to call it a day. I'll bring your stuff into the (work) building and leave it at reception for you to collect.

Then block - and ideally go on holiday. Don't engage, don't discuss and don't explain. Most of all you need to realise that you owe him NOTHING. You may well be thinking "but a 5 year relationship, surely I owe him an explanation?" Nope! The amount of time spent together is irrelevant - that's not stopped him treating you like crap and telling you that he'd be happy to date other women? One text, then block him on everything and get on with your life.

Giesabreak · 06/02/2019 19:19

done his usual sulky man routine.

If that's his "usual", then all the more reason to jack it in.

Original poster

CeeCee58 · 06/02/2019 19:29

Sorry when I say sulky man routine, I mean he goes silent and starts banging around. It makes me feel all tense and he knows I hate it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/02/2019 19:31

What a tosser he is

category12 · 06/02/2019 19:36

Sorry, what's the attraction here?

Giesabreak · 06/02/2019 19:42

Doesn't matter exactly what you mean - the guy is a regular sulk. Or twat, as they are more commonly know.

I mean, he really thinks he could possibly do better than you with his current personality? Let him crack on with trying.

FairyLightBlanket45 · 06/02/2019 19:49

OP, you are worth more than this. So much more.

He can’t see it. He wants other women and the security of having you. I know it’s hard to leave and it sounds like he has a strong element of control over you. He’s sulking because he now realises that you haven’t bowed down to what he said.

He has made his bed. What he said was not a sign of a worthwhile relationship. Let him now sleep in what he’s made. Show him the door.

Focus on you. You are worth so much more. You don’t need someone who doesn’t love you. I’m saying this as a single Pringle - I would much rather be single than with a man who doesn’t love me for exactly who I am.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 06/02/2019 21:44

Dump and block.

He's only trying to get your attention because he sees his easy relationship drifting away. He's using you for companionship, to prop up his ego and for regular sex, because he doesn't have to make any effort for you at all, whilst keeping his options open in case he spots something better.

Dump and block. As a PP said - save yourself the therapy money!

Sakura7 · 06/02/2019 22:51

Resistance is speaking a lot of sense here and the text above is perfect. Send it and go for your break away. You don't owe him a conversation - he'll just try to turn everything around on you anyway. Don't give him the chance.

MachineBee · 07/02/2019 08:05

Please change the locks before you go away. And have a lovely holiday.

Original poster

CeeCee58 · 07/02/2019 08:31

Thanks everyone. I’m trying to stay strong. It is very difficult. I have made myself a list of how badly he makes me feel and the things he has said and I keep re-reading it, which is definitely helping.

OP posts:

ErrmWTAF · 07/02/2019 08:42

Remember the Mumsnet mantra: "before you accept a diagnosis of depression, first ensure you aren't surrounded by assholes".

The less this asshole is in your life, the happier you'll be. Onward and upward! :)

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 07/02/2019 09:07

The sulky, huffing-and-crashing-about routine is an attempt to force you to say something, anything, so that YOU are the one who backs down and smoothes things over. He wants to avoid having to apologise or climb down in any way, because it's very important to him that you stay "in the wrong" at all times.

But you aren't in the wrong and this relationship is over (he just doesn't know it yet). Don't let him grind you down with his mansulk - looked at in the right way, there's something hilarious about an adult sulking like a child and trying to get your attention. Maybe you could try to see the ridiculousness of his behaviour and have a giggle to yourself, rather than feeling scared of his childishness?

IDrinkAndISewThings · 07/02/2019 09:17

You deserve so much better than this. Go away with your mum, clear your head, and do something you know makes you feel good about yourself (get your hair done, go for a massage, see some great friends that are just yours) and end it with him. Don't worry about the discussion, have yourself a little script in your head, your statement, of why it's over, and that it's not up for debate.

LinoleumBlownapart · 07/02/2019 09:27

He sucks your energy, he makes you feel tense, he doesn't make you feel loved.....
You know those lists where people put good things in one side and bad on the other? Your good side of this relationship is looking a little bare.
That should tell you all you need to know.

Singlenotsingle · 07/02/2019 09:34

A man ought to add value to your life. This one doesn't. You've already wasted too much time on this one. He just drags you down. You can tell him you don't know if one man will ever be enough for you, but this one certainly isn't cutting it.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/02/2019 09:48

Stay strong. You deserve so much better treatment than this.

If you are forced to talk just be completely honest

“We want different things in life. I want to settle down, get married and maybe have kids. You can’t imagine only being with one women. Time for us to go our separate ways. Bye”

Breadnroses · 07/02/2019 09:52

Sorry when I say sulky man routine, I mean he goes silent and starts banging around. It makes me feel all tense and he knows I hate it

He should be trying to reassure you, he should actually be on his knees grovelling.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but there is no coming back from this. His actions are reinforcing that he thinks he is right. He absolutely has insight into what he has said or else he wouldn't be sulking. How dare he be reinforcing his dickhead comment with this behaviour.

Seriously, you are worth way more than this. Bin the man child and enjoy your single status.

There will be a man out there who will love and value you for you, you deserve nothing less

AryaStarkWolf · 07/02/2019 10:42

Good luck OP, I hope you get over him and move on, you deserve so much better

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread