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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be satisfied by one woman

131 replies

CeeCee58 · 04/02/2019 17:33

I would really appreciate some advice from you all regarding how you would feel if your boyfriend/partner/husband said this.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. Recently, I have been thinking that I need more from him, as he is emotionally cold and has never said he loves me.

Today I asked him if he ever thought about having another woman and he quite enthusiastically told me that he sometimes thinks it would be good to have women with various different attributes as his girlfriend. I don’t have any of these attributes he mentioned.

I then asked him if he thought one woman would ever be enough for him. He told me that he didn’t know and that he thought it was human nature to always want something different.

At no point did he say he was happy with what he’s got.

I do appreciate his honesty, as he is nothing if not honest and I know I asked the question and I shouldn’t have asked if I don’t want to hear the answer.

I do want to hear the answer but it makes me think that we are never going to go anywhere. My self esteem is really low since we got together and this just made me feel terrible - like I am always going to be on permanent probation almost until someone ‘different’ comes along.

Am I overreacting? The thing that I thought when I was wondering if I want someone different is that it would be lovely to have someone who loves and cares about me and doesn’t treat me like an inconvenience.

Thanks for listening. I’m sorry this is a bit of a pity party but I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to about this.

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 05/02/2019 08:27

You reply to him saying "our conversation came at a good time and I appreciate the honesty. I've been feeling that you are not giving me what I need for a while now and it seems you feel the same. Thank you for the last 5 years and all the best for the future. I hope we both manage to find what we are looking for. I'll drop your stuff at yours, collect my things and post your keys. I'd appreciate it if you'd drop my keys. Take care." Then block his number - for your own sanity.

Notmyrealname855 · 05/02/2019 08:29

Bufferingkisses is spot on!! Please do this OP, the sooner you do the sooner you’re free to find someone who makes you happy

MrsBobDylan · 05/02/2019 08:29

End it or put up with feeling awful for the 30 years of the only life you'll get.

I'm pretty sure your Dad would have wanted a good, supportive, respectful partner for you OP. You owe it to yourself and him to value your life more highly.

Please don't make it your life's work trying to make this man kind and loving. He's never been like that and never will be. And if you don't leave him after he has admitted he wants more women, you'll end up with even less from him that you started with. It can only get worse.

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 05/02/2019 09:32

I am listening- your messages are giving me real strength and I am really grateful for that.

OP posts:
Howdoidothis4eva · 05/02/2019 11:02

You're not alone, OP. Get out whilst you still can. Don't leave it too late, unlike me. Flowers

My husband doesn't compliment me. I've given up asking how I look, etc, as he believes in telling the truth.
I can hardly have a go though, as I've asked him if I look nice (or whatever) and he's told me the truth.
As he says, if I don't want to know, then I shouldn't ask. So now I don't.

MargoLovebutter · 05/02/2019 11:10

CeeCee58 you asked, he answered. His answer was chilling and horrible for you to hear and that says a great deal about your relationship.

As pretty much all the other posters have said, this is the perfect opportunity for you to realise that you deserve so much better than what is on offer from your current partner.

As someone who has found themselves in relationships like this, I would strongly recommend you have some counselling to try and work out why you tolerated such a low level of care and love for 5 years. That is not a pattern you should keep repeating.

Howdoidothis4eva · 05/02/2019 11:15

If he doesn't love you,
and doesn't compliment you
and has said that you're not enough for him, then what exactly are you staying with him for?

What does he add to your life?

Howdoidothis4eva · 05/02/2019 11:22

Although mine doesn't compliment me, he does love me and wouldn't cheat, so he has some good points, whereas your partner has made it clear that you don't mean anything to him. He doesn't appear to have any good points.

You are independent, earn your own money and have your own home, etc, so splitting would be very straightforward. As easy as saying 'goodbye and good riddance'.

P1ainJanine · 05/02/2019 11:29

he's telling you tat if he isn't already cheating on you, he certainly wants to have the ooption to do so in the future. And he thinks that you won't have any reason to complain when it happens, because he's been honest with you about his feelings (intentions).

Time to move on and find an adult to spend your time with.

Flowers
snowbear66 · 05/02/2019 11:36

I know when we discuss this, he will twist his words and try to make me feel like I am wrong

Yes, of course he will try, as things are convenient for him right now.
But whatever he says you have to look at his actions over the last 5 years, you don't need to win an argument with him to leave, just leave.

finallyfree17 · 05/02/2019 11:36

Exactly this happened to me last year, after 18 months with someone I had convinced myself was 'the one', after a horribly abusive long marriage.
At my lowest moment, after the death of my mum, he told me he didn't love me, never had, never would, but wanted to carry on as it was a good distraction for him. But that I needed to be aware that he would one day meet someone he did fall in love with, and then it would be over.
I ended it within 24 hours, much to his absolute shock. He still believed months later that we had discussed it and it had been a mutual decision to split!
Just shows how deluded some men are....and trust me, they get worse as they get older! This one was mid fifties, no money, no property, no prospects, overweight, and still thought he was God's Gift.....BECAUSE I ALLOWED HIM TO!!!
My strong advice would be to walk away. And don't look back

finallyfree17 · 05/02/2019 11:41

And I should add that I'd always asked him to be honest with me.....so he just trotted out the 'I'm only telling you the truth' line. And would, I'm absolutely certain, have used his 'honesty' as a reason to cheat.
Leave. Now

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/02/2019 12:38

Who has time for that?
“No” is a complete sentence. Repeat at will- don’t complain and don’t explain.
You have already had the discussion; no further “exploration” on this topic would reveal anything to your benefit, ever.

Enough is enough.

Loopytiles · 05/02/2019 16:08

A Bridget Jones scene from the first film with Daniel Cleaver comes to mind, after the fight scene, he tries to get back together with her and comes up with similar lines to the OP’s boyfriend. She responds with something like “that’s not a good offer for me, think I’ll pass”.

This man isn’t offering you much. Forget seeking his love - what is he objectively doing for and offering YOU?

Gina2012 · 05/02/2019 17:05

Five years have passed

He has never said he loves you and wants someone different to you at least some of the time

Where is your self esteem @CeeCee58

Get rid

rvby · 05/02/2019 18:10

I know when we discuss this, he will twist his words and try to make me feel like I am wrong.

@CeeCee58
I have wonderful news - you do not need him to validate your feelings / perceptions.

See this is the thing. We all have special needs, when it comes to relationships. We all have our specific sensitivities, our foibles, quirks, strengths, etc. None of us are immune to that.

Some special needs are more common than others, sure.

But... wonderful news. You can be with someone who meets your needs. You don't have to not have needs. You don't have to pretend you are anything but what you are. Really!

There are 3.5 billion men in this world. He is not that special! You do not need to renovate yourself to be with a man. You don't need to push down how you feel, talk yourself into things, etc. etc.

You can just walk away from him! And he is free to hate it, to hate you, to mock you, to think you're wrong, to beleive whatever he wants to about you. He can scream at the top of his lungs all he wants, til kingdom come, and you know what? You can still just be you. And you can still walk away. He doesn't have to like it.

He's not the arbiter of all truth. He's just some man. He is incredibly easy to replace.

Get shut of this man and get out there and be yourself. May all men who don't accept you as you are, go fuck themselves. May you find a partner, one day, who just likes you for you (I promise you there are literally millions of men out there who would like you just as you are!).

ChrisPrattsFace · 05/02/2019 18:16

Everyone deserves someone who has respect for them. He doesn’t have it for you, end it and find someone who doesn’t send you to therapy!

LizzieSiddal · 05/02/2019 18:18

Oh gosh, the fact he has never told you he loves you and actually doesn't even seem to show you that he loves you, is so sad.

You aren't happy, and who would be. You have to acknowledge he isn't ever going to make you happy.x

Original poster
CeeCee58 · 05/02/2019 20:27

Thanks everyone. I’m still resolute in that he has pushed me too far.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 05/02/2019 20:42

What he is saying is definitely NOT normal, he obviously thinks it is for him. Ask him how he would feel if you had a few flings with other men, tell him you quite fancy the idea because things have become a bit stale between you, Then sit back and watch and listen to his reaction.

Personally I think the relationship has run its course and you can do better - even find someone who loves you!

Good luck.

eddielizzard · 05/02/2019 20:49

He's not offering very much is he?

Iflyaway · 05/02/2019 21:04

How is this relationship giving you want going into the future?

It's not I reckon...

Only you can decide your own future. Hard to do it but so worth it!

category12 · 05/02/2019 21:34

Life's too short to be so miserable. Dump him. A weight will lift and you can be you again.

MzHz · 06/02/2019 08:46

You’re sounding stronger already! His poison is wearing off and there is the old you underneath it all.

Get rid of him ASAP and watch yourself rise!

hankib · 06/02/2019 10:45

I’ve read every page of this thread and the saddest bit OP is the fact that you’ve spent five years of your life not hearing that you’re loved when you have someone who is supposed to do that. Sad

Kick him to the kerb and find someone who appreciates every last bit of you, they’re out there somewhere!

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