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Original poster

Realised DP told friend I'm stealing from him

137 replies

Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:15

Long time lurker here.

Been seeing guy for around a year.
I'm a townie and he's a country man, as is his main friend. They are very ... small town minded and conservative (strict Catholic upbringing) but it never caused much of a problem before.

A while back myself and partner were discussing our misspent youths and the silliest stuff we got up to, and I said I'd really stupidly (and immorally) got drawn into shoplifting with my best friend at the time (around 19/20). He seemed surprised but didn't say much. I thought no more about it. I'm now 36 incidentally.

He can be lazy at times ( and busy with his kids) and has regularly asked me to get cash from the machine with his card; because he didn't want to park the car up properly, because he was busy in the house etc etc and I did, thinking nothing if it.

About a month ago he said to me with an odd look that his money seemed to be flying out of his account these days, he always thought he should have more in there, and he couldn't figure out where it was going. I immediately started to realise what direction the conversation was going and starting mentally berating myself for leaving myself open to this by going and getting cash for him. I was also angry obviously, but all I said was 'if you can't explain where your money is going you need to get a grasp on your finances immediately, get your statements (he's a technophobe who doesn't online bank) go through them with a fine tooth comb and figure it out.

He looked relieved (I think), nodded and said v. little more about it.

Fast forward another almost month and, while visiting his best friend, I've realised (though it took me a day or two afterward) that it's crystal clear he's told him about my shoplifting when young and about his suspicions!!! I feel like he let his friend ambush me about it.

Aside from the betrayal, and someone thinking I've done something I haven't; this is a very small town and if he/they gossips, my name will be blackened. I'm really angry bug haven't confronted him yet. I feel like going to the police or a solicitor - but how exactly do I proceed that it was at his request that I took cash out?!

I feel naive and stupid and like I can't continue the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:17

*prove

OP posts:
Boysandbuses · 04/02/2019 14:19

The police or a solicitor about what?

I think you are over reacting. If dp told me he used to steal and stealing was a big deal to me, I may talk it over with a friend.

If I suspected to was stealing off me and he confessed to, previously, being a their I definitely would talk it over with a friend.

Clearly, it's something you do spent time thinking about but, ultimately back you and believed you

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 14:19

Oh god that's terrible! I don't suppose he texted you at all asking you to get the money out, did he?

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:20

(should add that he is a disorganised disaster with finances, he had hundred or more euro internet bills because he didn't know what contract he was on. Rather than figure it out, he's now cut it off completely and his family are using the neighbour's business WiFi.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 14:21

The thing is that if he's using cash to buy things then it's so easy to think "God, where's my money gone to? I'm sure I should have more than this." It's much easier with contactless and card payments to keep track of what you're spending.

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 14:21

But I would never, ever, use his card again. Let him get his own money out, the lazy git.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/02/2019 14:25

I feel like going to the police or a solicitor - but how exactly do I proceed that it was at his request that I took cash out?!

What would your aim be?

If he's just told a friend something that is true, this wouldn't be covered under any libel laws - it would have to be untrue; and being maliciously spread (to summarise a complicated area of law!).

You have been using his card, and unless you can prove that he asked you too, it's risky to involve the police. The only crime they are likely to have any interest in is if he reports the theft; but it sounds like he couldn't prove it anyway.

I don't necessarily think he was unreasonable to tell his friend if he needed to talk it through, but I do think your relationship is probably over if he genuinely suspects you of stealing from him. I couldn't maintain a relationship with someone who thought so little of me. And his lack of organisation and drive would put me off, anyway.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:26

The police or a solicitor about what?
He lived in a village near the town I live in, we know each other through a mutual hobby - and we both know lots of people through the same. If and his cousin spread gossip saying that I stole from him, isn't that slander? Of defamation of character or similar?

This may seem minor to you but there's always a possibility I might set up in business in my town or nearby; who wants to deal with someone they think is dishonest with money?

Besides it's fucking unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:28

I don't suppose he texted you at all asking you to get the money out, did he?

No, we could've been in the car with nowhere to park properly and he'd just have said 'run and get me blah euro, would you?' or in his house with him busy and he'd have asked me to nip and get money for a,b or c.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 04/02/2019 14:31

But they havent spread any gossip or accused you of stealing. Youre totally over reacting. At the moment all hes done is told his best pal.

OnoAnotherNC · 04/02/2019 14:31

It's not defamation though is it? The shoplifting he told his friend about you actually did!

The police might be more interested in your past than the fact others (that you told) are talking about it.

In other matters it sounds like the trust is gone in your relationship.

SapphireFire · 04/02/2019 14:31

No you couldn't sue for defamation because:

A) You'd have to prove a loss as a direct result of what had been said/written.

B) If the person you are accusing genuinely believes that it's the truth, then that is a complete defence for them.

It's muddy waters in this area of Law I'm afraid....

gamerchick · 04/02/2019 14:31

Well you're not going to go to the cash points for him any more are you?

In fact it's taking a dumping offence if someone didn't trust me like that.

Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 04/02/2019 14:33

The thing is that if he's using cash to buy things then it's so easy to think "God, where's my money gone to? I'm sure I should have more than this." It's much easier with contactless and card payments to keep track of what you're spending.

I find the opposite. I now get cash out at the beginning of the month and don't use my card as that way I can actually see how much I am spending. With a card it's easy to forget and whip it out willy nilly!

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:34

Anchor - yep, that's what I'm thinking.

OP posts:
Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 04/02/2019 14:35

Also, do you know for sure he has said something? Have you discussed it? What did he say?

billybagpuss · 04/02/2019 14:36

Why have you not just got mad, shouted at him, screamed what an ignorant git he is at him and then dumped him.

The police will not be interested

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:38

One if the things that pisses me off the most is that he's a mess with his finances (and says so), his cards lie around his house on the kitchen sideboard etc, he gives them to (or tells his) kids to run and get money with it etc etc - but his first thought is apparently that I'm stealing from him, because I must be because I shoplifted when I was 19!!

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/02/2019 14:40

It is very unfair. Spreading lies is indeed slander, but unless you are a millionaire or a celebrity with very deep pockets, you're unlikely to be able to afford to take him to court for this - it would cost tens of thousands, even hundreds of thousands! (Just Google a famous slander cases and see how much the legal costs were!)

I think the best you could do is sit down with him and go through his bank statement with a fine tooth comb, if he'll let you, trying to identify what he spent what on. Tell him how much you're upset by his unfair and untrue suspicions, and that he's told a friend. Then, decide if you want to continue the relationship based on what he says. If you dump him now without doing that, he'll think you're upset and leaving for being caught stealing and it might might make matters worse!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 14:40

But he nor anybody else has accused you of stealing his money. You jumped to that yourself

HollowTalk · 04/02/2019 14:41

Feelingfull yes, but the bank statement acts as a receipt in a way, so it reminds you what you spent your money on. I know it's often easier to deal in cash, but if you don't keep receipts then it's easy to forget what you spent on what.

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/02/2019 14:42

To be honest, i think the relationship is dead if he truly suspected you were stealing, confronted you in a very passive way, and told his best friend. I couldn't look at him the same way again after that.

I don't think you've got any legal grounds to do anything, given that what might be gossiped about is true.

Redglitter · 04/02/2019 14:42

Has he actually accused you though or is that how youre reading his comments. In your OP all i can see is him saying he doesnt know where his money is going.

I say that regularly. I dont think anyone is stealing from me i just forget about small purchases.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:42

But they havent spread any gossip or accused you of stealing. Youre totally over reacting. At the moment all hes done is told his best pal.

They are gossips, that's why I mentioned the small town mentality. They are like a pair of ol' women, seriously. I think there's a good chance it will spread via his friend or his wife.

I never thought he was this much of a dickhead.

OP posts:
UghFletcher · 04/02/2019 14:42

OP - he hasn't explicitly accused you of stealing so stop jumping to conclusions.

stop being the one who jumps out to get his cash and stop being involved in his finances. Him being all over the place with them isn't any of your business.