Realised DP told friend I'm stealing from him

[Villamoura2012]

Long time lurker here.

Been seeing guy for around a year.
I'm a townie and he's a country man, as is his main friend. They are very ... small town minded and conservative (strict Catholic upbringing) but it never caused much of a problem before.

A while back myself and partner were discussing our misspent youths and the silliest stuff we got up to, and I said I'd really stupidly (and immorally) got drawn into shoplifting with my best friend at the time (around 19/20). He seemed surprised but didn't say much. I thought no more about it. I'm now 36 incidentally.

He can be lazy at times ( and busy with his kids) and has regularly asked me to get cash from the machine with his card; because he didn't want to park the car up properly, because he was busy in the house etc etc and I did, thinking nothing if it.

About a month ago he said to me with an odd look that his money seemed to be flying out of his account these days, he always thought he should have more in there, and he couldn't figure out where it was going. I immediately started to realise what direction the conversation was going and starting mentally berating myself for leaving myself open to this by going and getting cash for him. I was also angry obviously, but all I said was 'if you can't explain where your money is going you need to get a grasp on your finances immediately, get your statements (he's a technophobe who doesn't online bank) go through them with a fine tooth comb and figure it out.

He looked relieved (I think), nodded and said v. little more about it.

Fast forward another almost month and, while visiting his best friend, I've realised (though it took me a day or two afterward) that it's crystal clear he's told him about my shoplifting when young and about his suspicions!!! I feel like he let his friend ambush me about it.

Aside from the betrayal, and someone thinking I've done something I haven't; this is a very small town and if he/they gossips, my name will be blackened. I'm really angry bug haven't confronted him yet. I feel like going to the police or a solicitor - but how exactly do I proceed that it was at his request that I took cash out?!

I feel naive and stupid and like I can't continue the relationship.

He didn't seem that way at first, he seemed great in fact. This has all emerged over time.

Spell check may be right and fiends may be more appropriate than the intended friends

Yeah

I know this sounds quite minor in the context of everything else, but the technophobe thing is a bit of a red flag for me. What it says to me is that he's inflexible, set in his ways and will forever be looking to others to do his personal business for him, like getting him cash from the machine.

I wouldn't give DH my cash card. Not because I don't trust him, but because it defeats the whole security of the setup. I don't give out keys to my house either (well, DH has one ).

If my mum can do her banking on line so can he.

Hé sounds like a complete tool. Definitely finish with him. You’re in NI, I presume, Op? Sad that this sort of shit is still going on there. (Badmouthing people from the other religion, I mean. )

Sprout - yes, I think there might be some prejudice behind why I've been presumed to be so dishonest and degenerate on an ongoing basis, but of course I could be completely wrong and maybe they'd be equally judgemental and suspicious of a woman from their own religious background.

Some people here are like that, some not btw.

(was actually referring as much to the fact that I don't attend church as that I'm a different denomination).

*It's not defamation though is it? The shoplifting he told his friend about you actually did!

The police might be more interested in your past than the fact others (that you told) are talking about it.

In other matters it sounds like the trust is gone in your relationship.*

I wasn't referring to them gossiping about me shop lifting as a 19 year old student. I was referring to them spreading rumours that I stole from him. I thought that was obvious.

Police interested to know about shoplifting that a young person did and was caught and punished for 16 years ago? Besides it would be a different police force or system (ROI Vs NI).

Yes.

(In fact even if I hadn't been caught and charged (if that's the right terminology) back then; quite honestly, from my interaction with the NI and ROI police, they wouldn't be interested.

Sorry to hear that, that's a bit shit.

Was @breakingthewaves.
Reply didn't work for some reason.

I think you just need to end things with him. They can gossip as much as they want. But lots of people have done something stupid in their youth,
Unless he’s 30 years older than you his “technophobe” stance is bullshit.
He’s just lazy with his finances.

If anyone questions you in your small town, I would say you caught him looking at animal porn and that’s why he feels he had to besmirch your name and then shrug your shoulders 🤷‍♂️ joke

I'd turn it around and say "oh he did threaten to drag my name through the mud after what I caught him doing" pull a disgusted face and change the subject.

And get rid of him this is no relationship!

Nothing a gossip likes more than the thought of a juicier bit of gossip!

actually tits has it!?!?!
Just say, god what I saw on his laptop made me end it then and there, but I would never break a cofidence. And then look a bit

As an Irish exile this resonates so much, the religion, the judging, the gossiping, the need to take the moral high ground and point out your failings - main reason I don’t live there.

I always summarise small town Ireland as ‘ do as I say , don’t do as I do’.

The friend will be so superior knowing that he has pointed out your failings and will give you the opportunity next time to confess all and save your soul!

Your DH may not be religious but certainly follows the same doctrine.

"He's also been increasingly talking about sensitive stuff in his exes lives that they confided in him. I wonder who else he's been telling their business."
What a catch he is! Next time he's indiscreet, pull him up on it. Point out that he is BETRAYING CONFIDENCES by mentioning these details to you. Then finish your ticking off with 'I hope you're not treating anything I've told you in confidence so cavalierly, telling people who've no business knowing these things.' And watch his face. And then chuck him.

It still seems odd to have discussed the whole thing on here and made a decision but not discussed it with your partner.

Just grass him up to the wifi people if you want vengeance.

Yeah totally grass up the WiFi situation
Twat

The friend will be so superior knowing that he has pointed out your failings and will give you the opportunity next time to confess all and save your soul!

Yep, now I've realised what was going on, ive gone from thinking he's alright to emnity, which would be another problem if the relationship continued. I could demand an apology but I already know I won't get it. (Plus none of us can prove anything either way).

This, as is often the case, is far from the only problem that has emerged over the last year; so a big discussion (with any view to saving it) seems to be pointless.

I just wanted to get my head around it. At first some posters were calling me paranoid, bug having clarified what happened, there seems to be a consensus.

(I think the WiFi co would blame the business owner for not security it, I'm not getting in to telling the business-owner (who rents the time space off my 'd' p), he won't want to move office after x years, and I'll just be the bitter, shit stirring tattle tale.

*securing

Gid he sound slime such an idiot and everything I hate. Why are you with such an a)idiot and b)judgemental prick. Get rid.

Oh and I bet his kids are taking money out of his account.

And what a massive hypocrite with the wifi. Remind him that someone else is paying for it and you've now realised that its not very christian to steal.

You're young, you dont need this shit in your life.