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Original poster

Realised DP told friend I'm stealing from him

137 replies

Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:15

Long time lurker here.

Been seeing guy for around a year.
I'm a townie and he's a country man, as is his main friend. They are very ... small town minded and conservative (strict Catholic upbringing) but it never caused much of a problem before.

A while back myself and partner were discussing our misspent youths and the silliest stuff we got up to, and I said I'd really stupidly (and immorally) got drawn into shoplifting with my best friend at the time (around 19/20). He seemed surprised but didn't say much. I thought no more about it. I'm now 36 incidentally.

He can be lazy at times ( and busy with his kids) and has regularly asked me to get cash from the machine with his card; because he didn't want to park the car up properly, because he was busy in the house etc etc and I did, thinking nothing if it.

About a month ago he said to me with an odd look that his money seemed to be flying out of his account these days, he always thought he should have more in there, and he couldn't figure out where it was going. I immediately started to realise what direction the conversation was going and starting mentally berating myself for leaving myself open to this by going and getting cash for him. I was also angry obviously, but all I said was 'if you can't explain where your money is going you need to get a grasp on your finances immediately, get your statements (he's a technophobe who doesn't online bank) go through them with a fine tooth comb and figure it out.

He looked relieved (I think), nodded and said v. little more about it.

Fast forward another almost month and, while visiting his best friend, I've realised (though it took me a day or two afterward) that it's crystal clear he's told him about my shoplifting when young and about his suspicions!!! I feel like he let his friend ambush me about it.

Aside from the betrayal, and someone thinking I've done something I haven't; this is a very small town and if he/they gossips, my name will be blackened. I'm really angry bug haven't confronted him yet. I feel like going to the police or a solicitor - but how exactly do I proceed that it was at his request that I took cash out?!

I feel naive and stupid and like I can't continue the relationship.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 04/02/2019 16:18

He's not going to have a leg to stand on if he reports theft of money to his bank because he has willingly given his bank card to you and his children along with the PIN.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 16:20

btw, it's only slander if it isn't true.

Yes I understand, I was referring to me stealing from him, not to me shoplifting when I was 19. I don't actually care that much about people knowing that; it actually illustrates what can be going on with a high achieving young person who's under pressure and down, it shows were not all perfect and flawless or all imperfect but can be a mix. Especially when young and stupid. I'd be up front of the subject came up.
But I'm not having someone say I've been stealing from them aged 36 when I haven't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 16:29

Do you mean he said "Theres nothing worse than a thief in the house, Villamoura2012"?

Yes, very pointedly, several times. He kept engaging me when I was distracted, which he wouldn't usually do. He usually just gets into a a kind of country, anecdot-y, bantery chat with my dp.
Looking back he was making a big point, grinding an ax, it was actually like some kind of intervention; cheeky bastard.

OP posts:
LadyandGent · 04/02/2019 16:36

So, the friend, visiting, repeatedly said to you 'there's nothing worse than having a thief in the house'?
And where did the babysitter come into it?
What did your DH say in response?

LadyandGent · 04/02/2019 16:37

If I've understood it right, it's your DP who is the cheeky bastard for saying to his friend that you're a thief.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2019 16:49

First off, you've learnt a very, very valuable lesson. The past is the past and it needs to stay there. Even seemingly 'innocent' questions like 'what shit did you get up to?' or 'how many people have you slept with?' can be a mine field. A few innocent capers, like breaking curfew or some snogging behind the bike shed, fine. But NEVER anything that smacks of illegality or 'promiscuousness'. People can be so stupid and judgmental.

One problem with calling him on telling his mate is that (as far as I can tell) you didn't specifically tell him not to tell anyone so it's not technically a breach of confidence. I know, he should have shown better judgement, but he'll use that technicality to excuse himself. So go ahead and tell him you're disappointed he didn't show better judgement, but don't expect him to absorb what you're saying.

I think what you need to do first is ask yourself if you feel you can trust him to keep your 'secrets' and your confidences if you tell him not to tell anyone. And to bear in mind that you will probably always have to say "Don't tell this to anyone". If you feel you can't trust him or don't want to have to continually remind him, then you need to break it off now.

Then, if you're going to talk to him, the focus of the talk needs to be whether or not he trusts you now that he knows 'the truth'. Unless he can give you a sincere 100% emphatic 'yes', then you need to call it a day. If at a later date he brings up the 'where has my money gone' shit or refers to your shoplifting in any way, dump him.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 16:51

So, the friend, visiting, repeatedly said to you 'there's nothing worse than having a thief in the house'?
And where did the babysitter come into it?
What did your DH say in response?

I was distracted (I zone out when those two chat, as does his friend's wife incidentally) but he started telling a story about having had a baby sitter whom they discovered was a thief. He went over a lot of stuff which I was only half listening to but repeatedly pointedly said to me " there's nothing worse than a thief in the house, villamoura".

My dp said next to nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 16:58

He also said several things in which he seemed to be calling the babysitter my name - extremely weird I know.

That's why I was confused and asked my dp afterward, when we got into the car 'What was that all about, was his baby sitter called villamoura too?! That's not a v common name around here".

He shrugged, looked sheepish, v uncomfortable but slightly smirky - is the best way I can describe it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 17:03

I just thought "crazy

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 17:05

We were visiting them incidentally (his friend and family), but they all left the sitting room to do stuff, which is unusual in itself actually.

OP posts:
ChrisjenAvasarala · 04/02/2019 17:11

You need to end it. The relationship isn't going to go anywhere. Even if he realises you havnt taken any money, there really isn't any coming back from this. Just cut your losses and move on.

Patroclus · 04/02/2019 17:12

Do you live on craggy island? these people sound wild.

Patroclus · 04/02/2019 17:24

Its been made pretty clear. Read again if you dont understand.

This guy was probably lieing about the so called babysitter to make a point, being too much of a coward to say it openly.

GabsAlot · 04/02/2019 17:24

he drives round illegally in certain vehicles steals wifi but yourethe dodgy one

get rid op he sounds pathetic

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 17:26

That gave me a laugh.

May as well be.

When I first saw the summer fete, I was immediately reminded of father Ted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 17:28

The craggy island comment obviously.

Yeah maybe the babysitter story was made up, that guy loves a good story.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 04/02/2019 17:31

He's a walking disaster, bin him off already and forget it....

Unless you enjoy pointless dramas and manchildren?

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 17:31

Apologies about any lack of clarity in the original explanation; typos crept in and a word was missed out (plus it was a strange incident anyway).

I was interested to see if any and how many people would finish over this, as I feel it's the only way

OP posts:
Breakingthewaves · 04/02/2019 17:35

They sound deeply weird. I live in a small town too and have been the victim of malicious gossip. I keep a very close circle but still get this happen. It's a real dilemma because it means I don't feel I can be myself / honest with my friends in case they decide to go rogue at some point.
As for blokes - I wouldn't tell another one I meet about some of my past. Unfortunately that means I may have to lie or find a good excuse for a situation that sometimes arises if we end up in a serious relationship. Which again means I can't really be myself. I don't know the answer but I sympathise. I got caught shoplifting when I was 18 btw - cry for help I think at the time

SevenStones · 04/02/2019 17:41

You need to dump this bloke!

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 18:12

There's sectarianism is a dealbreaker for me. I grew up in that sort of poisoned atmosphere - imagine primary age protestant kids and catholic kids throwing stones at each other - and I can't be doing with it now.

Maybe I'm wrong about there being a sectarian angle to it, it's just that I can imagine his friend saying 'ah, you know, you can't trust them protestants you know'. They always go on about people from my town, the nearest large town to them but over the border, being dishonest, scummy etc.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 04/02/2019 18:27

I'd dump him by text and block him. He sounds utterly awful.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2019 18:33

Time to end the relationship and leave him to it.

You've not stolen from him so you have nothing to worry about.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 18:42

You've not stolen from him so you have nothing to worry about.

They'll still tell people I have.

But, dya know what; I don't care. If anyone has the neck to say anything direct, i'll soon fkg put them straight. No doubt noone will, but they can believe what they want.

And to think I used to be miss "kind and good" according to him.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 04/02/2019 18:50

What I’m failing to understand, aside from doing nothing while his friend insinuated that you are stealing from him, why the hell are you with this man? He’s small minded, a gossip, disorganised and bad mouths his ex’s, why wasn’t that laundry list of unattractive traits enough of a deal breaker?