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Original poster

Realised DP told friend I'm stealing from him

137 replies

Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:15

Long time lurker here.

Been seeing guy for around a year.
I'm a townie and he's a country man, as is his main friend. They are very ... small town minded and conservative (strict Catholic upbringing) but it never caused much of a problem before.

A while back myself and partner were discussing our misspent youths and the silliest stuff we got up to, and I said I'd really stupidly (and immorally) got drawn into shoplifting with my best friend at the time (around 19/20). He seemed surprised but didn't say much. I thought no more about it. I'm now 36 incidentally.

He can be lazy at times ( and busy with his kids) and has regularly asked me to get cash from the machine with his card; because he didn't want to park the car up properly, because he was busy in the house etc etc and I did, thinking nothing if it.

About a month ago he said to me with an odd look that his money seemed to be flying out of his account these days, he always thought he should have more in there, and he couldn't figure out where it was going. I immediately started to realise what direction the conversation was going and starting mentally berating myself for leaving myself open to this by going and getting cash for him. I was also angry obviously, but all I said was 'if you can't explain where your money is going you need to get a grasp on your finances immediately, get your statements (he's a technophobe who doesn't online bank) go through them with a fine tooth comb and figure it out.

He looked relieved (I think), nodded and said v. little more about it.

Fast forward another almost month and, while visiting his best friend, I've realised (though it took me a day or two afterward) that it's crystal clear he's told him about my shoplifting when young and about his suspicions!!! I feel like he let his friend ambush me about it.

Aside from the betrayal, and someone thinking I've done something I haven't; this is a very small town and if he/they gossips, my name will be blackened. I'm really angry bug haven't confronted him yet. I feel like going to the police or a solicitor - but how exactly do I proceed that it was at his request that I took cash out?!

I feel naive and stupid and like I can't continue the relationship.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 04/02/2019 15:24

It's no good going over and over it in your own head, or even on here.

You need a straight conversation with him. Having the conversation doesn't mean your relationship is over. You could come out stronger.

But torturing yourself does no good at all.

Ngaio2 · 04/02/2019 15:25

Maybe the safest way to finish it is to keep the two issues separate OP.
Discuss the unfairness of his attitude to the shoplifting and distrust of your honesty and his sharing of confidential info plus your fears about unwarranted gossip.
Then leave it a week or so and then have a discussion about religion — pick an issue you know you don’t agree on such as abortion and then tell him the relationship is doomed on these grounds. That will give him a reason acceptable to him for the break up and hopefully will allow the honesty issue to die.
Good luck

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 04/02/2019 15:25

you are going to end it with him? I mean I would. And I think this is a ghostable offence, i'e, i'd just disappear and go non contact, i couldnt go through the 'try again' waste of time bollocks. Just move on, and leave him behind.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:37

Thanks prh.

Unfortunately I think if they gossip it will all be behind hands, low key, improveable type stuff - that happens a bit at the hobby I know him through. It's not so much the people from my town, it's his village and area; they just seem to be very very insular, conservative, and gossipy.

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 04/02/2019 15:37

I don't think anyone's mentioned the following but technically you are not allowed to lend your card to anyone to get their money out. Only the person who is named on the card is allowed to get money out.

Of course this is often flouted.

My husband has power of attorney for his Mum (who is in a care home) and to get money out for her it has to be a special card which says his name and hers to be legal.

So really you shouldn't have done it and can refuse in the future because it's illegal.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:39

*improveable

There's fk all I can do about it, isn't there.

I'm never going to share embarrassing stuff with a partner again, though I think it's a reflection on him. My last partner (v long term) shrugged his shoulders, recounted his tales of getting arrested for drunk and disorderly, taking drugs etc and never mentioned it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:40
  • uuugh improveable - clearly not a word
OP posts:
PotatoesDieInHotCars · 04/02/2019 15:41

I would point out to him and his snide friend that you were a dumb teenager when you shoplifted..but he is an adult knowingly stealing bandwidth from a local business and allowing his children to use it too. What a hypocrite.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:44

I can't believe you think the police would get involved?

I was more thinking of challenging him to go to the police if he thinks he's missing money and being stolen from; so it can be proven that I have nothing to do with it, but there's no way of really proving that, I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:47

Potatoes he also said he's added a categories of vehicle to his license that he hasn't done a test to drive and they didn't check and added it.

I don't even know if he'd be insured in an accident if it happened when he was driving that type and they found out. But I'm not sure how they'd find out. But yeah bit hypocritical.

OP posts:
Plimsoles · 04/02/2019 15:49

I tell you what, if you learn anything from this, it's not to tell people stuff like this about your past. I made this mistake (not shoplifting but something else) with someone. I knew I had changed completely but my dp at the time said that it completely coloured his view of me, even though he didn't want it to.

I know we should be able to be honest about our pasts but sometimes, it's just worth keeping these things to ourselves!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 04/02/2019 15:51

I'd dump him and loudly let him have it on the way out.

He's acted like his failure to manage his finances isn't the reason he's down in funds; instead it's obviously because you have stolen it! (Or his kids, which also have his PIN codes.) What a dick.

And he's clearly told his friend that you can't be trusted because you did something stupid over 10 years ago. 10. YEARS. AGO. And then sat there while his buddy took the piss over it.

Dump him loudly. And threaten him with a libel case in small claims for suggesting to people that you're currently stealing.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 04/02/2019 15:51

Actually if he's so very catholic (I am, too) he should check is behaviour against the guidelines for confession. Smile

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:51

You could come out stronger.

I doubt that, I now think he's judgemental, indiscrete, foolish (because he can't manage or look into his own finances - instead jumps to the conclusion his partner is stealing from him, and tells other people without investigation or proof) and has a low opinion of me. I can't really see a way forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:54

A Wish - you have summarised exactly what I'm thinking, and I'm glad some posters on here are not telling me I'm paranoid and overreacting

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:58

Actually if he's so very catholic (I am, too) he should check is behaviour against the guidelines for confession.

He's currently not a practising Catholic, though his friend is.

And I didn't mean anything offensive about Catholics. Unfortunately in my part of the world some people have a very poor opinion of people of the 'other' religion including their integrity.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 04/02/2019 15:59

He's just proven to be either totally untrusting of you and/or a horrible gossip. Either way, I'd dump him. He doesn't trust you, and you can't trust him.

btw, it's only slander if it isn't true.

Inertia · 04/02/2019 16:00

He doesn't sound like a great partner- is he really worth the bother?

Melroses · 04/02/2019 16:06

I would have a short break from him, then just tell him that you realise you are not compatible and then move on.

I wouldn't bother dissecting your relationship with him, he will just use that against you if that is the way he works.

candycane222 · 04/02/2019 16:08

Tempted to suggest you dump him now, and tell him and everyone else that it was because of his dishonesty!

PolkaDoting · 04/02/2019 16:10

Oh god, bet you feel sick to the stomach. Even if he does gossip, it will be yesterdays news soon enough.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 16:10

@slashlover, I beg to disagree with you. When making a comment like that one wouldn’t normally pointedly use someone’s name, especially if they hadn’t been taking an active part in he conversation. He was drawing the OP’s attention to the point he was making and why else would he do that?

Yep, I was distracted thinking about work the next day but he kept pointedly addressing me, so I made some basic sympathetic noises but thought 'fk he's really in a rant about this, even more so than his usual manner'.

It's my DPS reaction in the car afterward that makes me certain though.

OP posts:
LadyandGent · 04/02/2019 16:13

I haven't a clue what was said and where the babysitter comes into it. You're making no sense.

MadamBatty · 04/02/2019 16:15

He doesn’t sound like a grown up. A big turnoff

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/02/2019 16:16

The sectarianism is a dealbreaker for me. I grew up in that sort of poisoned atmosphere - imagine primary age protestant kids and catholic kids throwing stones at each other - and I can't be doing with it now.

You can't trust him OP (the irony of his being judgemental about you!) so you're better off without. Start afresh and keep your shady doings in the past where they belong

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