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Original poster

Realised DP told friend I'm stealing from him

137 replies

Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:15

Long time lurker here.

Been seeing guy for around a year.
I'm a townie and he's a country man, as is his main friend. They are very ... small town minded and conservative (strict Catholic upbringing) but it never caused much of a problem before.

A while back myself and partner were discussing our misspent youths and the silliest stuff we got up to, and I said I'd really stupidly (and immorally) got drawn into shoplifting with my best friend at the time (around 19/20). He seemed surprised but didn't say much. I thought no more about it. I'm now 36 incidentally.

He can be lazy at times ( and busy with his kids) and has regularly asked me to get cash from the machine with his card; because he didn't want to park the car up properly, because he was busy in the house etc etc and I did, thinking nothing if it.

About a month ago he said to me with an odd look that his money seemed to be flying out of his account these days, he always thought he should have more in there, and he couldn't figure out where it was going. I immediately started to realise what direction the conversation was going and starting mentally berating myself for leaving myself open to this by going and getting cash for him. I was also angry obviously, but all I said was 'if you can't explain where your money is going you need to get a grasp on your finances immediately, get your statements (he's a technophobe who doesn't online bank) go through them with a fine tooth comb and figure it out.

He looked relieved (I think), nodded and said v. little more about it.

Fast forward another almost month and, while visiting his best friend, I've realised (though it took me a day or two afterward) that it's crystal clear he's told him about my shoplifting when young and about his suspicions!!! I feel like he let his friend ambush me about it.

Aside from the betrayal, and someone thinking I've done something I haven't; this is a very small town and if he/they gossips, my name will be blackened. I'm really angry bug haven't confronted him yet. I feel like going to the police or a solicitor - but how exactly do I proceed that it was at his request that I took cash out?!

I feel naive and stupid and like I can't continue the relationship.

OP posts:
Celticrose · 04/02/2019 14:42

And using the neighbours business wi-fi is not stealing?

ginandtonicformeplease · 04/02/2019 14:45

Has he got permission to use the neighbours' WiFi or is he stealing it? If he hasn't got permission then he could do with looking at his own morals a bit harder.

Boysandbuses · 04/02/2019 14:46

If and his cousin spread gossip saying that I stole from him, isn't that slander? Of defamation of character or similar?

No. Because it seems like your partner believes you. Just because he talked about it with a friend, doesn't mean that he has told all and sundry.

And at the time he spoke he feels it was true. Engaging the police or a solicitor because you maybe, might one day business is ridiculous

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:46

But he nor anybody else has accused you of stealing his money. You jumped to that yourself

My op was so long I didn't describe it but the ambush involved his friend turning the conversation (I can't remember how cause I was kinda zoned out) onto a babysitter they (his friend and wife) who they discovered was a thief; he said repeatedly "Theres nothing worse than a thief in the house, my name!"

I'm so naive I didn't even twig at the time.

OP posts:
MakeItAmazing · 04/02/2019 14:46

So are you going to stay with the man you think is a dickhead ?

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:47

And using the neighbours business wi-fi is not stealing?

Exactly,another thing that is pissing me off.

OP posts:
Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 04/02/2019 14:47

but the bank statement acts as a receipt in a way, so it reminds you what you spent your money on. I know it's often easier to deal in cash, but if you don't keep receipts then it's easy to forget what you spent on what.

I do get what your saying but I guess it depends what you spend money on. I can't forget that the £150 I got out went on food shop, petrol and toddler groups! The fairies didn't do my shop for me or fill up the car!

Also I would have to remember to login to online banking and have a look. That would be more hassle then getting money out!

Travis1 · 04/02/2019 14:48

Time to sit down and have a chat but if that's what he thinks of you then you don't have a relationship do you? Time to move on. He doesn't exactly sound like a catch!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 04/02/2019 14:48

Yeah, probably because he had a thief in the house.

OP, you need a chill pill. What's the cause of your paranoia? Are you just generally paranoid or is it a touch of guilt?

Bumblebee39 · 04/02/2019 14:50

I can't believe you think the police would get involved? When there are people getting away with crimes all the time because the police are too busy to deal with emotional and financial abuse, car theft, handbag theft etc. Etc. People fill a form in for being burgled now. Financial matters the police tell people to take it up with the banks.

Bluetrews25 · 04/02/2019 14:51

The man is an idiot if he discloses his PIN to anyone at all. If the bank finds this out, he can never claim back any money that might get taken if someone pinches his card. And telling his DCs? How daft can you get? And you (and they) are committing fraud if you use it, IIRC?

steppemum · 04/02/2019 14:54

umm, talk to him?

Tell him you are furious as you told him about a daft thing you did 15 years ago, and it appears, via friend, that he now suspects you of stealing?

Tell him what you have said on here, that if he and his friend repeat that, your name will be mud, and how dare he mkae that accusation when he hasn't got the guts to say it to your face.

be clear, you have never stolen from him, and if his finances weren't such a disaster and he wasn't so hopeless with money, he would be able to see where his money had gone, and that none of it has gone to you.

Then I would kick him out/leave

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 14:56

So are you going to stay with the man you think is a dickhead ?

That's why I haven't confronted him, im trying to get my head around that this is probably fucked. He just sat there while his friend essentially said that, he even said something about stealing to the point where I thought the baby sitters name was the same as mine - I was surprised because it's not a common name in their area (they're all Catholic and I'm protestant) and when I said to my dp getting into the car "was their baby sitter called (my name) too, he just shrugged and looked sheepish/slightly smirked. He must think I'm so thick.

OP posts:
slashlover · 04/02/2019 15:00

onto a babysitter they (his friend and wife) who they discovered was a thief; he said repeatedly "Theres nothing worse than a thief in the house, my name!"

I'm so naive I didn't even twig at the time.

That's not ambushing you, you've even said you don't know how they got onto that topic. It doesn't automatically mean he was talking about you, unless he was staring at you as he sad it or something.

Ngaio2 · 04/02/2019 15:00

And remind him he is himself a thief re using neighbours’ wifi

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:03

Time to sit down and have a chat but if that's what he thinks of you then you don't have a relationship do you? Time to move on. He doesn't exactly sound like a catch!

Yep.
I'd found him judgemental the more I got to know him but didn't think he would actually think like that about me, rather naive.

He's also been increasingly talking about sensitive stuff in his exes lives that they confided in him. I wonder who else he's been telling their business.

OP posts:
Ngaio2 · 04/02/2019 15:06

@slashlover, I beg to disagree with you. When making a comment like that one wouldn’t normally pointedly use someone’s name, especially if they hadn’t been taking an active part in he conversation. He was drawing the OP’s attention to the point he was making and why else would he do that?

averythinline · 04/02/2019 15:07

Urgghhh he sounds horrible ....what are you getting out of this ?

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:09

That's not ambushing you, you've even said you don't know how they got onto that topic. It doesn't automatically mean he was talking about you, unless he was staring at you as he sad it or something.

He was looking at me, yes and was very emphatic. I thought it was all v strange at the time but just didn't twig.

I think he told his friend and his friend decided he would have some kind of intervention (he's v religious incidentally) - I don't know if dp knew it was coming, but I think - if he told his friend he genuinely thought I was not stealing - he would not have done that. He'd have been too afraid of offending him and losing him as a friend. Maybe he thought he was doing him a favour, confronting the thief (the protestant, agnostic thief of course).

OP posts:
Ngaio2 · 04/02/2019 15:10

OP sounds like your DP has a lack of boundaries and you just can’t be sure what private info he may be disclosing to fiends, family and workmates. In a small town that can be a powder keg.

Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:11

Sorry to bring religion into it, but there really is a divide - with a lot of - prejudices - among some people in this part of the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Villamoura2012 · 04/02/2019 15:12

OP sounds like your DP has a lack of boundaries and you just can’t be sure what private info he may be disclosing to fiends, family and workmates. In a small town that can be a powder keg.

That is exactly why I'm worried about him gossiping about this. If I finish it, he's even more likely to. He'll have to have some explanation and he couldn't be wrong so..

OP posts:
slashlover · 04/02/2019 15:13

I read him saying my name as in it offended him in his house. Do you mean he said "Theres nothing worse than a thief in the house, Villamoura2012"?

Ngaio2 · 04/02/2019 15:13

Spell check may be right and fiends may be more appropriate than the intended friends

prh47bridge · 04/02/2019 15:16

If and his cousin spread gossip saying that I stole from him, isn't that slander? Of defamation of character or similar?

If they talk about your shoplifting you have no comeback as that is true.

If they say you stole from him that is potentially slander. It depends on what they actually say. Slander is a civil matter so the police wouldn't get involved. You could take action but it would be expensive with no guarantee you would win. You could try getting a solicitor to write to them telling them to stop but it probably wouldn't be worth your while taking it any further.