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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/05/2019 22:15

They are amazing.

Dc1 helped me get the spare mattress out of his room.

Dc2 brought me down his Harry potter pillow in case I wanted to read.

I will have to make sure they don't feel they need to take care of us both, make sure we keep doing our job as parents.

Night all. X

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 04/05/2019 22:47

Sleep well Jamais. 🌷

Weenurse · 05/05/2019 01:19

💐🍷

justilou1 · 05/05/2019 02:35

I think it’s vital that you take it in turns on the mattress so that it doesn’t look like you are “in trouble” or have done something wrong. DH May be inclined to imply fault.

Mix56 · 05/05/2019 09:40

What lovely DC ! That must have been a massive moment of relief !
As for sleeping on the mattress, it's just the precursor of you moving out. IMHO
How are you felling this am ?

Mix56 · 05/05/2019 09:40

"feeling" even !

CJSmith2019 · 05/05/2019 10:08

What great children you have! I'm wary of the fact that he broke down and you had to do all of the hard bit of telling them. I would progress the move out fairly quickly now. Maybe involve the children in what they want to bring. Take care, you are doing great.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 10:11

We are all feeling sad this morning but the DC have been comforting each other (as we have of course!).

H is talking reasonably about finances and organisation which is a relief too.

DC2 asked how we would communicate, I said we would give him my old phone (we are quite strict about phones and his brother has only just got one) so that we would speak or text anytime he wanted.

Now they are doing their homework and then H is going to play table-tennis with DC2. He's taking them to the pool later.

I was ok on the mattress, a bit better than the sofa, and yes, it's another step towards moving out.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 10:13

Yes, even H doesn't seem to think that dragging out the moving is a good idea.

He asked this morning how the house was, and I told him I had accepted it and that it was available in a couple of weeks - ht htought that was good.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 05/05/2019 10:26

Why are some men so stupid.

They will destroy their families in order not to be wrong.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 10:30

They will destroy their families in order not to be wrong.

I agree, this was going through my mind last night, particularly after H broke down in front of the DC.

If he's that upset, he has ample chances and time to try and make things work. It will piss me off forever that he couldn't be bothered to make more than a feeble week-long attempt at saving our 20+ year relationship.

OP posts:
Innernutshell · 05/05/2019 11:09

he couldn't be bothered to make more than a feeble week-long attempt

He is who he is though op. He can't really be any different to that. [or he can - but only for a week.]

Same as you are who you are - except that you spent many years trying to be what he wanted.

Being an adult means being who we are - accepting others as they are and realising that makes some of us incompatible. That's how it works.

Sad sometimes.

It's really easy to get caught up in the romanticism at the beginning and ignore all the red flags and then end up having to get out further down the line once we've over invested in attempts to make it work.

aweedropofsancerre · 05/05/2019 11:34

Are you leaving your DC behind with your DH? I couldn’t work out from reading the thread if that is your plan.

Fairenuff · 05/05/2019 11:45

I've always thought a marriage shouldn't be work.

Sure there needs to be flexibility and compromise but above all your partner should enhance your life, support you emotionally, love and protect you. They should have your back, revive your spirits, comfort you and care about you. There should fun and laughter, intimacy and exclusivity. It's a very special relationship if it's the right one and certainly should not be that difficult.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 11:47

@aweedropofsancerre

We will have "residence alternée" which means that in theory they are one week with me, one week with H.

The counselor was encouraging us to be flexible with that if it makes the DC's life easier and also to listen to what they want.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 05/05/2019 12:07

Yes, I was ruminating over the tears.
But at no point has he tried to say. "Don't do this, I love you, I'm sorry."
Even if it's too late for you, he knows in his heart that your couple is broken.
So why cry (to the point of opting out of the separation talk ?) If not for effect ?

springydaff · 05/05/2019 12:19

He broke down in front of the children? That pisses me off. It emotionally manipulates the children into feeling they have to look after the parent Angry

Please check your legal position requires leaving the kids in the marital home. In the UK there is a fine line between this being viewed as abandonment and loading custody. Not to scare you but to make sure you legally cross the Ts etc.

Well done for getting this far. Alicia would be proud Wink 🌸

springydaff · 05/05/2019 12:21

Sorry for typos!
Requires should be plain re
Loading should be loosing

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 12:28

His tears just exasperated me - after years of thinking of him as the adult and the grown up one, he couldn't hold it together to not scare the DC too much.

I actually had to say to them "no-one's died".

Still I guess I've always known I've been carrying the emotional load.

He did a similar thing years ago when I thought my dad was dying - he started sobbing on me and saying how awful it was for the children. I could have done with a hug myself, same when my dad did die, he sobbed on me just before the funeral.

I think they are his "weak point" - but also what showed me years ago that he was capable of caring for others, showing them affection and feeling their pain - but not with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 12:30

In fact I'm not sure he will feel any grief over losing me.

Back in January he was distraught about the impact of a separation on the kids but at no point did he say he didn't want to lose me.

And he hadn't since.

Possibly self defense though.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/05/2019 12:37

I do wonder if he's just more concerned with his image and he will have to do more of the shit side of parenting, I suspect his concern is more to do with his public persona being damaged.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/05/2019 12:52

All this fake whaling crying is just to make YOU feel guilty and stop the separation.

Tell him to stop, he has had plenty of notice that this was going to happen if he didn't change and now it has. It's not fair to manipulate your children which is what he doing. If he feels he can't control himself then he needs to remove himself from the room.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/05/2019 14:06

I don't actually think it was fake - but it was certainly inappropriate.

He was the one insisting we did it at that point, if he wasn't ready, we could have waited a couple of hours.

And of course I was fighting back the tears but had to do the speaking and keep calm. I did cry a bit though, when the DC did too, I didn't want to hide from them that I was very sad too.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 05/05/2019 14:13

I wonder if it was a way if putting the blame onto you: he is so upset he's sobbing, he can't even speak, while you are managing the situation. Non-verbal mummy is splitting up the family.

justilou1 · 05/05/2019 14:55

It is possible that it is actually finally hitting home for him too. Perhaps he’s been trying to call your bluff all this time, assuming you would “come to your senses.” Of course he has done the sensible thing and gone about his daily life as usual without making any changes when you’ve told him time and again how miserable you are.... (am going through similar.) can’t see why that didn’t work!!!