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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/05/2019 15:13

Yes, just Wednesday he said he was going to screw you over financially, then last evening volunteers first that he is definite about the separation.
" He was hard and distant and mean and is already talking about how he is going to go after me financially "
Odd

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/05/2019 15:42

I think he's just trying to keep the upper hand at any price. He needs to or his ego will fall apart.

Just back from signing for the house.

It went well, and I had been looking forward to it but I had a bit of a wobble at the end, which the owner saw and was kind about.

I then sat and sobbed in the car.

It just all seemed so overwhelming.

I'm back home now cuddling up with dc2 and feeling a little better.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/05/2019 15:47

Yes, it must have been a very lonely shock of reality.
Its taken a long time to get to this point.
There is a lot of history, severance is bound to come with pain & regret.
(Flowers)

Lisette1940 · 04/05/2019 15:50

Well done Jamais. Chin up.

RandomMess · 04/05/2019 15:56
Thanks
Happynow001 · 04/05/2019 16:17

Just back from signing for the house.
Well done Jamais. Another milestone to acknowledge for your new future. 🌺

CJSmith2019 · 04/05/2019 16:23

Well done. None of this is easy. You are doing great.

springydaff · 04/05/2019 16:31

Bravo bravo xx

I was sad when my marriage ended even though I fair skipped away on one level. It just is sad, a massive disappointment and grief.

But it I had to be done 💐 🌸

SnapesGreasyHair · 04/05/2019 17:55

It is hard. Even though l have been so much happier since XH left, l cried when my absolute came through.

It wasn't what l wanted and if l could have made us a happy couple then l would have....but l couldn't do it alone and he didn't want to meet me even half way.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/05/2019 19:24

So, we've told the DC.

H came back with Dc1, went downstairs with his notebook and said let's tell them now.

Then he just broke down so I had to tell them, he couldn't speak.

We have cuddled both of them and told them we love them and now they both want some time alone in their rooms.

H has gone off to our bedroom and shut the door and out music in and I am alone downstairs wondering how the hell we got here.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 04/05/2019 19:29

Does that notebook go everywhere with him, Jamais?

You did everything you could to avoid this point. It's not your fault. Flowers

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/05/2019 19:32

I wasn't sure what he was going to do with the notebook, but in the end it wasn't a big enough crutch to help him.

At least it meant I knew he was going to stick to what we agreed and not freestyle it.

No idea what to do this evening with myself or the DC.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 04/05/2019 19:38

Just take it one step at a time. They may have more questions later.
Don't be hard on yourself

RandomMess · 04/05/2019 19:45

Hugs x

mineallmine · 04/05/2019 19:49

I've been lurking on this thread and egging you on silently. You're so brave and strong and you've come a long way. Your DC will be fine in the long run and so will you. Hugs to you.

cstaff · 04/05/2019 19:55

Ah Jamais be nice to yourself. Have you a friend you could meet up with this evening that you can talk to about this. If not stay online and there will as always be plenty of support for you.

And as a pp said May the fourth be with you Flowers.

Pensy · 04/05/2019 19:58

I’ve only read 3 pages and I can see how ground down you have become by this manipulative and horribly passive aggressive behaviour. Deeply engrained and largely successful patterns like this do not go away and are always the default which will reappear. Forgive me for being so blunt but are you looking for reasons to stay or reasons to leave. Just be honest with yourself and trust your instincts; also don’t lose sight of what this is teaching your children - good luck

woolduvet · 04/05/2019 20:10

Oh bless, be kind to yourself, you're doing this to benefit everyone. It just doesn't feel like it now.

Mix56 · 04/05/2019 20:53

So he cried, we saw that coming
Who is he crying for though? The DC or himself ?You know he isn't crying for you, he has maintained his behaviour in spite of all imploring,
Please don't go out. This evening you need to be there & strong for DC.
H has abdicated this responsibility

Innernutshell · 04/05/2019 21:05

It's normal not to know what to do.

It's ok to feel up and/or down, to feel you might be making a big mistake, to want to return to past and/or to run away from it all.

Remember that whatever you are feeling in any given moment will not be forever.

Feelings are temporary. They come and go and we don't even have to act on them. You have had years of practice of this.

One step at a time, one forward, three back, two forward, a couple sideways. This is how we do it. This is courageous you doing it. Walking towards your happy future.

Slow and steady wins the race jamais.

Mix56 · 04/05/2019 21:23

You need to sleep aoart from him. He may want solace

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/05/2019 21:48

Thank you

In the end, as you say, feelings pass and with kids quite quickly (not that we are in any way out of the woods.)

H just stayed up in "his" room.

Dc1 came down first wanting dinner, but in the end couldn't eat. But what he wanted was a bit of "normalcy" I think because we had a chat about his day and what he'd been doing. Then he went up to bed to watch some YouTube live thing.

DC2 started watching TV, we then chose something to watch together and we had a peaceful hour even if he wasn't into the film and has gone off to bed.

H came down to see if the DC wanted to go swimming with him tomorrow, dc2 said yes but then asked me afterwards if that was ok.

It turns out he was worried about how to split the time between us and not upset either one of us

I tried to reassure him about that and reminded him that they usually go to the pool with their dad, and they do there stuff with me, and it's fine and we don't need to tally up the different activities.

I'm glad he was able to say that.

I've tucked him in now and Dc1 seems to be asleep and so I am on a mattress in the living room (a step up from the sofa) and I will insist we take turns with H so that I am not the one who is displaced all the time.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 04/05/2019 21:54

What lovely kids you have Jamais.

Mix56 · 04/05/2019 21:59

Well done Jamais...
keep telling them life will work out.
Hope that H learns to be as big hearted

cstaff · 04/05/2019 22:13

Your kids sound adorable and so thoughtful. They obviously take after their mum. Stay strong Jamais. Things will hopefully get better for you from here on in.