Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

He has spent all these years being horrible to you, surely he knew at some point you might say, "that's enough bully boy" ?

Actually he really thinks he is a great guy. This is why it has impossible to make any progress in the marriage counselling.

We both recently did a personality test (me for work, him after I suggested it).

His personality came out as someone who is a "defender"

"Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity."

This is really what he believes he is like.

He got quite cross when I said I was surprised by the assessment as I didn't see any of his leadership or "I must win at all costs" characteristics in the description.

But with all of these things, YOU give the answers, so YOU define the result.

He IS an extremely hard worker and involved in charitable work, but he is also NOT a humble little worker bee which is manifestly how he sees himself.

Jamais well of course people completing those assessment are supposed to be honest with themselves when they answer. From everything you have said about your DH it doesn't sound as if he is often honest with himself.

Yes he's a great guy , Outside the family, (although you say he has very few friends !!!)
So how does he equate that his sulking ?

I'm wondering why you are so reluctant to put half the money in your own account. What difference does it make if it sits in that account rather than the joint one?

You need to stop caring what he thinks or what he wants. Just take your half to keep it safe. It will be so much easier than having to fight to get it at a later date. Take it now.

He will have blocked it by now

He hasn't blocked the account, it's fine.

I'm not saying he won't go after me for every single penny he put into the house, and fight me over petrol costs for the DC etc.

But there would be absolutely no point him emptying the current account and despite the emotional cluelessness/abuse, he does care about his reputation as "pillar of the community".

He'd totally be shooting himself in the foot to go for me that way.

This is someone with a zillion years of education - it'll be more vicious than that if he goes through with it.

I suspect he has realised that actually HE has made more big spends over the last few years than me if we really must go into it all because for example he is taking our employer to court (it's going nowhere) and that has already cost a lot in fees.

I have told him I'm seeing a house tomorrow (true).

Once I am signing for it, I can say that I now need a specific sum set aside to furnish it. We will need to agree on what I take from the house too, I suspect he will be arsey about that which is something he can do without it being known publicly.

Sorry, Saturday for the house.

Never under estimate what men will do when backed into a corner. Mine tried to stiff me financially and also attacked me twice. I could never have predicted it. I thought we could be friends. My Dad warned me it wouldn't pan out that way. He was right.

He still might go after you financially as he’ll be hoping you won’t tell anyone.

That beside. Be aware and be on guard till your out of the house if he’s there.

I would be VERY careful about telling him that you are viewing a house. He will probably follow you. Don’t trust that he won’t try and badmouth you to everyone he can to try and keep you where you are. He may even do things like hide your keys/sabotage your car, etc. This guy is not going to be a “nice guy”.

he does care about his reputation as "pillar of the community"

and this means it's likely he'll hang on to keeping the status quo by any means possible.

In his mind it's probably inconceivable that a wife would leave such a pillar of the community. It's almost a how dare you leave me when I'm such a good man.

It might be that he has to have such a giving job because it hides the truth. That in fact - he is the opposite. This is true of many people.

You are naturally wary now OP - it's been amazing to hear you looking at the whole picture. To hear you working things out in your mind based on what you see [the real him] rather than what you think. [the romantic him]

Keep your eyes open and your wits about you. {perhaps we are part of your 'wits' too!}

Remember - what would Alicia do.

I couldn’t agree more with the previous poster about the image people like to project (most often to themselves) is very frequently the polar opposite of the reality. My mother liked to try and convince people that she was a gentle, loving earth mother-type, but the reality was that she was a violent, shrieking harpy.

Beware of flying monkeys also.
His family will be taking his side I imagine.
prepare some simple 1 liners to cut them off.
It wasn't working
Its between him & I
None knows what goes on behind closed doors

We will need to agree on what I take from the house too, I suspect he will be arsey about that which is something he can do without it being known publicly.

'Don't worry about it DH, if you are really adamant that you will not allow me to take X, I can ask around to see if anyone has an X I and the boys can borrow until we can sort the splitting of furniture properly via the lawyers...'

Well timed comments which make it clear that you will no longer 'cover' for the kind of person he is. This process will bring out the very aspects of his personality which he does not want others to see displayed. This kind of reminder - a cleverly non-confrontational suggestion which will remind him that you are now 'free' to manage who you talk to and about what - might damp down his nonsense a bit. You won't be making him look bad. His actions will be making him look bad... should he choose to act like that.

'Don't worry about it DH, if you are really adamant that you will not allow me to take X, I can ask around to see if anyone has an X I and the boys can borrow until we can sort the splitting of furniture properly via the lawyers...'

This is a brilliant idea.

I have already had offers from friends but he doesn't know that and doesn't know that I have told anybody. Once we've told the kids this weekend, there is no reason not to ask if anyone has any spare furniture to help me move in.

@Innernutshell

I watched an episode of The Good Wife last night (purposely) and gained some strength from Saint Alicia!

Funnily enough, H used to call me "Saint Jamais" because his family and mutual friends/acquitances told him how lovely I was and how lucky he was to have me.

As you might have guessed, he said it in a mocking voice, and only admitted years later that yes, it was a deliberate slight to send me a message and show me that he could see through me and that I wasn't such a nice person behind the scenes.

I believed him... then. Not now.

I agree, don't bite back, just say "fine, the lawyers can fight it out if you are being obstructive. of course it will cost more instead......"

But, he sits tight in the family home while you go to brocante & ask for hand outs. I know this is your wish for the DCs but you furnished the house together with joint funds presumably ?

I can't remember if the house is joint, his, or rented, but if it is still mortgaged, this can become complicated in the long term.

But, he sits tight in the family home while you go to brocante & ask for hand outs. I know this is your wish for the DCs but you furnished the house together with joint funds presumably ?

Yes this is pissing me off right now actually.

Even if he "gives" me the sum of money that the lawyer suggested, it won't in any way reflect the total value of the furniture and electrical goods in our home.

I will be pointing this out too, which is justification for taking some things from home (towels, sheets, pans, knives and forks, camping equipment...) and also being entitled to a budget to furnish another home for the DC.

I might bring it up at the counselling tonight because I don't want to have to wait til we've seen the solicitors etc. to get this sorted.

Jamais, the biggest mistake women make is to 'play fair'. They don't and all you are doing is not getting his good opinion of you, but to tilt the playing field level away from you even further. Stop wasting your courtesy.

STOP communicating and telling him what you are doing. Just stop it! Take things that he will not notice (towels etc). Towels are bloody expensive.

Communicate through lawyers only. I made the mistake of communicating on an issue privately with him 'to save money', he lied (quell surprise) and it costs me HUGELY. He banned me from access and so controlled the whole situation.

They respect lawyers. They do not respect you.

They respect lawyers. They do not respect you.

So true.

Absolutely. You will need fridge freezer, washer & drier, dish washer oven, hob. So take a quick look at the EQUIVALENT on Darty website & come up with a realistic figure. Why should you have to buy from the bon coin, or even Ikea (tho to be fair, their dtuff is cheap & guarateed 10 years !)
Fighting over who gets to keep a carpet or a coffee table is another battle

Oh & also, even if the house is part furnished & there is a fitted kitchen. You will need to have funds for when you eventually do need to buy equipment for your future house.

Taking on board advice re furniture.

Just had a couple's appointment which was really useful and definitely the way forward.

H arrived with a load of notes he wanted to read out which totally misrepresented how we arrived at the split. He also implied I was taking drugs (Xanax) because I had taken them on one or two occasions when I couldn't sleep).

He also started by being really uncooperative about the kids but the counselor set him straight about the importance of being flexible and listening to what THEY want out of the living arrangements

We had a really useful discussion about what to say to the kids and when to do it, and what kind of questions to expect from them.

I can see this will be a way forward for the future because H trusts the counselor and actually wrote down what she said this time.

We have made another appointment for next Friday and agreed to tell the DC tomorrow night.

Love how he immediately tried to rewrite the past!

Bingo!

Glad he appears to have listened to the counsellor, I hope he sticks with what was agreed.