Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

Of course it's fake.

You shut down the sulking, the inappropriate groping. The counselor shut down his behavior around both the finances and his inability to put the children first with his lack understanding that they are to be put first.

This is just another form multiplication to get you back in his box he has given you.

And of course I was fighting back the tears but had to do the speaking and keep calm. I did cry a bit though, when the DC did too, I didn't want to hide from them that I was very sad too. Of course you did it was very upsetting thing to tell you Dc but you were an adult about and put their needs first.

He still trying to make it all about him, making you give him unnecessary 'brain time' for want of better phrase. You only need to make sure your DC and you are ok. He needs to look out for himself.

I wonder if it was a way if putting the blame onto you: he is so upset he's sobbing, he can't even speak, while you are managing the situation. Non-verbal mummy is splitting up the family.

I thought the same. Mummy is the baddy, look at me unable to stop crying. Ugh, nothing wrong with showing emotions but there are times when one should hold back for the sake of others. This was definitely one of those times. Time to appear strong for the sake of the children and he couldn't or wouldn't even do that much.

How has the last 24 hrs been ? ? How are the boys ?
Should you mention it to the school in case there is a fragile moment ?

Sunday was weird, were all a bit shell shocked.

The DC went to the pool with their dad and then we all had dinner together but H was ignoring me at the table which dc1 noticed and so he put on some music.

This morning everyone was a bit tearful and dc2 went off to school without his bag.

I had let the class teachers know by email last night but this morning spoke to the person in charge of pastoral care(not sure what the equivalent is) and she was lovely and went to warn all of dc2's teachers.

He had two surprise tests and she pulled him out of them and sent him to the nurse, apparently he had a chat with her and drew a picture and then went to the library for a bit.

I know most of the management team at the school from previous jobs or through friends and they are already looking out for the DC but even more so now.

I picked up the DC from school as they were finishing early and spent a bit of time with them.

Then H came home early and I have heard out to my psychotherapist appointment, waiting now.

I was very wobbly at work this morning but had lunch with an old friend - she called out of the blue at the weekend.

I hadn't intended to say anything but I burst into tears when she asked if H and I would like to come together for lunch sometime.

I started explaining a bit what happened and she was stunned because H's behaviour is almost identical to HER ex husband's, apart from the fact that he ended up being violent physically to her.

She understood everything I said about the relationship and totally got the effect it has on your self esteem and confidence.

It was amazing to talk to her and out relationships had so many things in common - silent treatment, sulking, denial, accusing us of being crazy or too angry...

I see I had a lucky escape in a lot of ways because she spent nearly a year planning her escape and actually thought her husband might kill her.

She had no idea what was going in with my relationship but had noticed that H was "funny" about her ex whenever she mentioned the violence and seemed to minimise it.

Unfortunately this is not in her head, as my H actually said to me that there are always two sides and that our friend probably pushed her ex into violence.

That remark really bugged me at the time and I called H out on it, but it's come back to haunt me now.

In other news, my lawyer called to say that H had called her and that of course she wouldn't be speaking to him but she wanted to warn me.

He didn't mention it when he got him but he was deliberately ignoring me, even when I asked him an outright question, so I suspect she called him back and told him that, which will have pissed him off!!!

This actually made me laugh in the car!

I've sorted out a phone for dc2, organised insurance, internet, electricity and gas for the new place. Just need to warn the water board.

I don't think it's good for the DC to be in this atmosphere at all so I will make plans to get the new place set up asap from next Monday (when I get the keys) and see what we do with the DC then.

Perhaps initially the boys could spend the weekends with you sort of camp out until they've got furniture and made their rooms their own and they can think about how think the contact pattern would work best.

They may prefer mid week to midweek split etc.

I would get the kids involved in the new house even while they are physically in the old place. They can choose rooms and choose furniture etc so that it feels like their home

I may be overstepping, but I'm so proud of you Jamais. The difference between you and the person in your original post is amazing. You sound so much more confident and more secure in your thoughts and actions. Carry on and look forward to the first few nights in your new home, a more relaxing, safer atmosphere with your children. Keep powering on now you recognise who and what he actually is. That is, no friend of yours, as he keeps proving. 🌞🌈

Things are slipping into place.
It sounds like you have various guardian angels. (School, Friend)
I suggest you visit house soon with dc (only) & following up with a trip to Ikea.. However. I am certain that H will be furious to be left out. (Inevitably)
Beware of him cranking up the venom

Let your children be part of the setting up of your new home Jamais - as upthread, they need to 'own' their new rooms.

Does H know where you are moving too? Does he have to know? If so I wouldn’t let him over the threshold.

Plus why did he phone your lawyer to what end?

Stay alert as he may upt the anti now he’s back ignoring you.

Does he know your leaving date too as I’d be very careful over that.

We have DHs kids Friday to Friday from school which after a variety of things works best. They used to do a one night in the week at the other parents, but it was a nightmare for always having the wrong thing in the wrong place.

You'll need more sports kit in my experience. Otherwise both parties need to have a full load of clothes. It's bloody annoying when the clothes you buy all end up going walk about. This is a good thing to be discussing now.

My DC used to come back in the clothes they went in which was a good system but they only went EOW.

There is an excellent bit of software called 2houses which allows shared diaries and info for the kids. You can subscribe to it on your regular online calendar as well. It's set up for this situation and takes a lot of the need to actually deal with your ex.

One of you will need to get a new "copy" of your livret de famille. Do that at the mairie. The medical book is meant to stay with the kids but just take a photocopy for him. Agree now who is going to do the regular doctor, dentist, optician stuff.

In terms of your mutuelle you'll need one each if you don't already have one, with the kids on both.

That's all that comes to mind. But sticking to the practicalities might help. Have a look at 2houses - it's nice.

Oh Jamaica he really is awful. You're doing a wonderful job. Just think, soon, you can live in your own home without someone's moods ruling. It'll be such a sigh of relief.

*jamais - bloody autocorrect!

You will need to see how flexible H plans to be. For instance if he usually takes dc swimming every sunday. One out if 2 Sundays will be in your slot.
Which I imagine they will still go to should they wish to, but if He doen't also play flexible it will be infuriating

This thread will be full soon. You should create a new one soon, & keep this one for reference...!

Maybe start a new one from when you move into your new place. A new start all round.

Thanks for all the tips and advice and encouragement.

Will start a new thread soon "leaving sulking H".

I have been at home with the DC this afternoon because they both finished early, they are still on edge and a bit tense.

They didn't really want to do anything other than Netflix or videos games - neither do I mind you!

I am trying to focus on the future - browsing furniture etc so that I can start to move out of our current house in my head. I'm also walking round collecting bits and pieces of personal stuff and putting it aside.

Can't really but anything yet as I don't have a bank card on the new account and the way H is being about money I don't want to spend from the joint account.

I am seeing the bank tomorrow so should hopefully get a card in the next few days.

My therapist yesterday said she saw a real change in me, I'm not doubting myself anymore. It's true, each day that goes by I feel stronger and the end of this horrible period is in sight.

That is wonderful Jamais. It was your inner strength unfolding.

Don't be silly the joint account is shared money! Do not end up struggling due to guilt.

Find your anger that his emotional abuse over the years has caused this!

Use the money and keep receipts. He might not like it that's tough. The children need things in both houses.

The children will feel more at home if some of the furniture is familiar, and it will make it feel less like you are leaving him and the children.

You should take half.

Do not stop spending from the joint account. its there for a reason, for your children. Don't feel guilty spending from it either.

I'd go grey rock with STBEXH on everything till you move out.

be breezy and light even if you feel shit when he is ignoring you.

it's fake it till you make it time.

It is a joint account because your salary went into it !
I don't know how equal your share is, (you said you inherited etc.)
It is possible that you deposited more than him ......
Take your half, without a second thought....If you are moving out, H is responsible, feel no GUILT
just keep the receipts

So, on advice - new thread started here for anyone who is not sick to death of the whole sulking H thing - and there are plenty of sulking H threads to choose from on MN at the moment unfortunately !

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?watched=1