Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

[TowelNumber42]

That's fantastic.

[NettleTea]

this is such a positive update from you

[CarpeVitam]

Great update jamais! Stay strong 💪 x

[Thehop]

Absolutely fantastic update.

[lovelyanon]

My partner is the same. I've had the silent treatment now for a good 15 hours and so has our 10 month old. I've also been called pathetic, not normal girlfriend, need to sort my head out and that I'm making him miserable. I've posted a thread on this but he's been in bed all day avoiding me but before that being snappy and throwing things tovger them out his way. What would someone list him as? Emotional abuse? I'm so lost with it all

[Greenmum2019]

Great updates and progress.

Your doing the right thing here..... The work you are doing on yourself will pay off whatever the outcome.

This will find its natural path...... I don't think you will need to decide. Because you are active and strong now and that will either I prove or push him at some point to crumble. And I don't think your relationship or you will survive another 'sulk' test.

So carry on being you and reflecting so well and look in the mirror and see your new you looking back. XXX so inspirational :-)

[Weenurse]

Doing a great job of working out how you want to live. Well done

[Mary1935]

Hi lovelyanon start your own thread. It sounds emotional abusive. Keep reading the threads on relationships it can be help full and google abusive relationships.

[Lisette1940]

You're really admirable OP.

[jamaisjedors]

I think is what is happening :

This will find its natural path...... I don't think you will need to decide. Because you are active and strong now and that will either I prove or push him at some point to crumble. And I don't think your relationship or you will survive another 'sulk' test.

Things have been pretty tense this weekend, I think he feels pushed away by me saying no sex for the moment - he has stopped being tactile, despite me saying I would like some affection without tensing up and worrying that I am "leading him on" (crap old-fashioned phrase but ykwim).

We have been bickering and he got quite cold and angry at one point about a stupid thing.

Am now nervous about the holiday again but we have just found out that a big group of other people we know are also going to the same place at the same time so hopefully that will dilute the atmosphere sufficiently.

My therapist asked me to think about what I want and need out of a relationship. I didn't know how to answer her last week, but now it has come to me - I want to feel that I'm respected as an equal.

For various reasons (language, age, living abroad for me), when we first met we were not on an equal footing, however much I strived for it.

Now it feels ingrained in our relationship and it also part of how H works - HE is always right, and HIS way of doing things is always the right and the ONLY way of doing things.

I always feel there is an imbalance because although I will take advice and guidance from him (it's usually very intelligent, well-thought out advice to be fair), he will NEVER NEVER take it from me.

Even this weekend, he totally ignored me giving him directions to a place I know how to get to and we ended up driving round the countryside. It really bugs me on a day to day basis not feeling like my opinion or input has any real value or impact on him.

Loads of other people come to me for advice and help so I am not a total fool and I have a very high-powered job, and yet around H I feel like an over-emotional, inefficient idiot.

I'm tired of this, but I don't think he will be able to let go of it at all.

It's so frustrating because I actually think we could be quite complimentary if he respected me a bit more but I feel he places no value on what I bring to the relationship and this is grinding me down.

[RandomMess]

I don't think he wants to change, he's given it lip service but he believes his way is right...

[jamaisjedors]

Yes I think you are right. For the moment he sees no benefit in making any changes at all as far as I can see.

Even if he starts to understand my point of view, which MAY happen with the joint counselling, it's very unlikely that he will actually start to take into into account, he's just not built that way.

I'm feeling pretty sad about it all but have a busy day at work tomorrow to take my mind off it, then am loading up on podcasts and books for the plane etc. and am determined to catch up on sleep and enjoy being with the DC, with or without H around on our holiday.

I have plenty of other people to talk to if he is being a dick...

[Thehop]

I think he is prepared to change but only what he sees are necessary changes.

Lovely to hear how strong and positive you are now, though. I hope you and children have a wonderful holiday. Of H is in publicity mode he’ll likely be a pleasure!

[Fretfulparent]

I commented on you first thread and have been following your story. I understand why you are hanging in there but am concerned about your last post when you mention that things have been tense over the weekend. Are you sure that your children are not picking up on this?

[jamaisjedors]

@Fretfulparent - unfortunately they probably/definitely are.

Whatever happens things are going to be tense for a while unfortunately - either highs and lows while we work things out, or a lot of lows while we sort out a separation...

I will talk to my therapist about how to help them either way.

[thefirst48]

I remember your first thread and I'm sorry but I don't think this man will ever change. Give it a few more months and his bad habits will start to reappear like they already have this past weekend.

I understand you want to give it one last go but I wouldn't let your guard down at all and have a plan in place incase things don't work out.

[Fretfulparent]

unfortunately they probably/definitely are.

I am sorry to hear that. Please give them an opportunity to discuss their thoughts about the situation and reassure them it is not their fault.

You haven't written anything positive about your DH for a while. Unfortunately it seems inevitable to me that your marriage will end at some point given his failure to miraculously change. Please don't prolong the agony too long for all your sakes.

[TowelNumber42]

I hope you manage to have a holiday that is happy and relaxing for you.

[AstralTraveller]

OP I have just read your previous thread and this one and I can't help but ask the question why the fuck are you still anywhere near this man that has been an utter monster for decades? You have subjugated every aspect of your life to his moods and for what? You are still trying to fathom him out albeit with help now. Why bother? He doesn't appear to have one shred of a decent feeling for you unless it is at the long stretched end of a percieved threat to leave. This tiny shred of decency to you is so hard wrought and yet it keeps you in. Please just see that he is never going to behave like a decent human being towards you and get away into the light.

[jamaisjedors]

@Astraltraveller I think what has kept me there is the difference between his public persona and how he actually treats me.

He is very successful, also runs a charity in addition to a more-than full-time job, is hard-working, highly intelligent, helpful to others, reliable, financially stable, pratical, a very hands-on and thoughtful father...

It's been hard up til now to not believe that the problem is not ME as he has said all along.

Now I am starting to feel that it's ok if the problem IS me, ie despite all his qualities on paper, life with him is making me miserable.

I also wonder if I'm too idealistic about relationships whereas he is pragmatic. But the truth is that I am hurting, and the only thing that seems to be hurting him is his ego when I threatened to leave and when he feels me pulling away.

[RandomMess]

Ah he is pragmatic and his ego is everything, honestly this explains an awful lot.

Your "job" is to make him happy and your happiness matters not one jot... this nice behaviour will only last long enough to get you back in line as wife.

[jamaisjedors]

Ah he is pragmatic and his ego is everything, honestly this explains an awful lot.

Can you explain, not sure I see what you mean?

He certainly has a big ego and is feeling threatened by the changes in me - the other day in bed he started listing all the people who were interested in him before we got together - I guess as a sort of defensive mechanism.

[RandomMess]

It's all about his image, he doesn't actually care about you and the DC! He doesn't want divorce because it's bad for his image, not because he truly loves you. Your happiness is inconsequential- if you split not only will his image be tarnished (therefore his ego take a battering) it will also be costly and inconvenient to him.

Going on about other women, he's trying to make you think he's a hood catch that your lucky to have him and should be grateful!

[TowelNumber42]

You are an accessory, an appliance, a servant, not an equal partner. You are malfunctioning right now and he's trying to get you fixed. Pragmatic.

His ego means he cares more about his "perfect life" image than your happiness. He'll be happy if you stop malfunctioning.

Lots of people in unhappy marriages do similar though, keeping themselves in a life that makes them unhappy because of ego and image. They care most about how it would look: "broken home", everyone thought we were the perfect couple, my grandmother would be heart broken, I don't want to be the topic of gossip, it is so embarrassing to admit it all, I'm strong person not a victim, what if people think I'm the bad guy, etc. Truth is nobody else gives a flying fuck for more than 5 minutes. It's entirely your own/his own mental image of yourselves that is under threat.

[Fairenuff]

Firstly, nothing has changed. He knows he is on probation so instead of sulking he is finding other ways to indicate his disapproval at you daring to have a thought or opinion of your own. You are still tiptoeing around him.

The relief at having other people around you to protect you from him should really be enough to make you see what a bastard he really is.

Secondly, '...He is very successful, also runs a charity in addition to a more-than full-time job, is hard-working, highly intelligent, helpful to others, reliable, financially stable, pratical, a very hands-on and thoughtful father... who abuses his wife behind closed doors

He is a fucked up man who puts on a show for the outside world. If he was that great you wouldn't be feeling like this. And you wouldn't both be damaging your children. Thoughtful father my arse.

And thirdly, It's been hard up til now to not believe that the problem is not ME as he has said all along.

Now I am starting to feel that it's ok if the problem IS me, ie despite all his qualities on paper, life with him is making me miserable.

If he was miserable he would leave. You think he would hang around and try and 'work out' why you were making him miserable? No he would be long gone. He is happy like this. This is the kind of relationship he wants and enjoys.

He won't change. It will go on and on until your children leave home and you wonder why they never want to visit. By then you will be a little mouse scurrying around to him every whim because you will finally have accepted that he is right and you are wrong and that is the law.

Not a pretty picture is it.