Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

I was able to remain reasonably calm when he was explaining how out of the blue I said I'd seen a lawyer and started talking about finances.

I did insist on the fact that I had made it clear I wanted to split (he left out 2 important conversations) and that after that it was logical to see a lawyer.

I wasn't quite channelling Alicia Florrick at the start but mostly manage to keep my eye on the bigger picture and in particular the kids.

What is astounding to me is that in the past I would have been feeling intimidated and bamboozled by H who arrived with his notebook and "facts".

This time I felt some anger at being misrepresented but mostly pity (new for me with him!) as he seemed to me just very lost and like an old man getting his thoughts straight on paper and trying to convince the counselor that I'm deranged when clearly I'm not.

He was just a bit pathetic really.

This time I felt some anger at being misrepresented but mostly pity (new for me with him!) as he seemed to me just very lost and like an old man getting his thoughts straight on paper and trying to convince the counselor that I'm deranged when clearly I'm not.

He was just a bit pathetic really.
Glad you are a bit angry, more confident Jamais and that you see him as pathetic.

Don't lower your guard though as he's not substantially changed.
He also implied I was taking drugs (Xanax)

Nothing is settled: time enough to feel pity after that.

1. As if the counsellor cares why you want to end it.

1. The counsellor is well aware the marriage is over as that's why you went there 😂

DH kept the house (his uncles house, neighbors on all sides his family) but had to totally refurnish it. His ex was the one that cheated but she left with everything except the fitted kitchen. Freestanding kitchen bits went too and all the equipment, plates, cutlery etc.

Well done. Interesting and quite pathetic of him to attempt to score points with the counsellor by bringing notes. It's not an essay competition. I think it gives an insight into how he plans to play this out. Glad that the counsellor put him right about the children and that he seemed to take it on board. All the best.

Thinking of you today

Feeling good this morning - such a weight off my mind having had the discussion with the counsellor last night.

Obviously H's initial attitude was upsetting but the counsellor was quick to straighten him out.

For example he was being super strict about the DC and "his week/my week" and there was no way that, for example, DC2 could get the bus back to our current home and wait for me there if for example I had to stay late at work.

The counsellor pointed out that you couldn't expect a child to wait at a bus-stop in the cold and rain when his home was just down the road and that H would have to be flexible about that in the interest of the children.

She is very tenacious and when he was evasive and non-commital about certain things, she insisted he gave a clear answer - for example would it be ok if one of the DC decided down the line that they wanted to stay an extra night with one or other of us "outside the schedule". She pushed him til he said yes, and wouldn't let him get away with saying "the lawyers will decide on this".

I think it is going to be so helpful going there and we have an appointment for next Friday set up too.

I actually slept for 8 hours last night and feel so much better.

I also had lots of lovely messages from friends (and you!) wishing me well for today and now I am looking forward to signing.

Well hopefully he will act upon the counsellor's words... although it reminds me of me "advising" my son, then him going off & doing exactly what suits him !
Re. telling the children. Only you can know how they feel towards their father, & what words to use, (will he turn up with notes ? ( not meaning to be facetious)
What reaction will it cause ? How to prepare yourself ?
Will he break down in tears ? (real or crocodile ?)
For example, if I declared to my DC that I was no longer going to live with my H, my kids wouldn't be surprised, & honestly think it was about time good thing for me but would be upset about him being alone & the idea of a "home unit " no longer existing as it had historically.
I believe they would prefer me to live in the "family home", with the dogs & where everything remained "cosy" (although I could be wrong obvs.)
However I personally would prefer to leave to have new surroundings.

Do they know you are going for counceling ? Have they ever seen you sleep on the sofa or have heated words with your H ? because it may have already prepared them for this, which would be beneficial.

re Xanax, he is insinuating you are unstable, drug taking, ... a classic.

The only thing that is worrying me is that the counsellor warned us not to make changes for the DC too soon - so she suggested waiting til end of June to move out (the DC finish school around then).

I said I really can't stay that long in the house and that if this house (I said I was visiting it today) is available I want to move out sooner.

She warned against going too quickly for the DC's sake.

So I'm torn, I don't want to upset them by going too quickly, but I don't want to spend another month or 2 months in this house, even if the atmosphere was pretty calm between me and H this morning (and the counsellor warned him against giving mixed messages to the kids by trying to kiss me on the mouth for example - so I'm more relaxed about that too).

Watch out for him trying to gain favour with DSs now.
Mummy is the bad one, insinuating that the upheaval is all your fault.

DC1 saw that I slept elsewhere last night and I think they have noticed things are not alright.

We had a heated exchange the other day at the dinner table - about abortion! - which wasn't personal but was a bit horrible because we are both on edge. DC1 gave me a big hug and DC2 asked if we could stop talking about it.

We talked with the counsellor about the DC's reactions.

H originally wanted to tell them "in a neutral space" ie at her office but she shut that down and told him we were not announcing that they have a life-threatening illness and need to take treatment.

We just need to keep it simple and reassure them that we will accomodate their life - school/friends/activities/independance as much as possible and also that they have a say in what happens later with the choice of where they live and how much time they spend there.

Re : the Xanax - totally made me laugh because they were actually prescribed for H originally 2 years ago - and he pushed me to go to the doctor's and ask for some because I was "too emotional".

I have taken a total of 3 on 3 different nights when I couldn't sleep at all.

I brought up specifically the fact that we were not going to say "mummy is leaving us".

At the start of the appointment she made us both say out loud that we definitely and definitively wanted to separate - and H went first.

So it is a mutual decision and she suggests we say that we can't managed to get on with each other when living in the same house and so we are going to live separately. She says the DC are not babies and will understand what that means.

And then move onto the practical details to reassure them, but not overload them with information.

I think H will leave most of the talking to me, he is totally out of his depth with the sort of thing. I will try to make him say some things too so that is not just me.

So the xanax was actually his prescription, it's laughable.

So for DC, Their immediate gut reaction will be:
Where will I live ?
Will I lose my friends?
Will I have to change school ?
Will I go to the same football club?

That's right, that's what I'd read, that's what the counsellor said too.

DC1 saw that I slept elsewhere last night and I think they have noticed things are not alright.
*
We had a heated exchange the other day at the dinner table - about abortion! - which wasn't personal but was a bit horrible because we are both on edge. DC1 gave me a big hug and DC2 asked if we could stop talking about it.
*
We talked with the counsellor about the DC's reactions.
Surely this is a reason to leave sooner rather than end June -especially the conversation over the dinner table with the children?

The atmosphere is already tense and at least one (and likely both) aware of your separate sleeping arrangements. Also the longer the current situation goes on the more opportunity your husband has to twist/gaslight both you and the children to suit himself. He has proved himself a master of it.

If you DO end up, reluctantly, deferring your move please do ensure you complete the contract on the new house on your existing schedule. It would be disastrous to lose that and just make life more difficult.

Also, I think you said he is out this morning (Saturday) and that you would be collating your financial documents/getting copies done in his absence? I think you should definitely still get ALL that completed whilst you can.

There is a light somewhere at the end of this tunnel Jamais. 🌹

I'd say that I'd expect the atmosphere will get worse over two months and that won't be good for anyone.
Get the flat sorted, see how the children are after your talk, then bring it up that you now have a place.
That they can come look at it, no obligation to move it, take your time but mum thinks it'll be nicer at home once Mum and dad aren't living together.

I don't see the logic either, once the DC have been told,
& been encouraged to ask any questions they need to have answers for, & have visited the house, or at least driven by, to see it is real, & where it is geographically, (could you walk/cycle there from town, to show its advantage.?)
inside, it will obviously be a lot more homely once furnished, but this could also be a project of what bed they choose/desk/sofa etc.
Dragging the leaving out, means them waiting & watching the coldnesss install, with the reality being drawn out.
Perhaps you could ask them what they would prefer?

I think you could at least sleep at your new place. You could explain to the counsellor that you cannot sleep with your dh because he is not respecting your sexual boundaries and keeps touching you when you have asked him not to. Sleeping on the sofa was a temporary solution but you really can't do that for another two months.

You could spend the evenings/weekends at the current house with the children and just go home to sleep. You could also use that interim time to make trips to the flat with the children to let them see it and start deciding how to furnish it. They could gradually start to sleep over some nights with you and once you move out completely, they will be more familiar with the whole set up.

Jamais, as Mix56 said, questioning your mental stability is absolutely standard procedure. My XH did the same. Strangely enough, my mental health improved no end once I wasn't having to cope with his stonewalling and sulking. I used to get furiously angry with him, but I now think I'm quite placid.

I would strongly advise you to remove any sentimental items from the house immediately, and store them with a friend. My XH took various items (being deliberately vague here) and refused to return them for many years. He finally did on a day which should have been very special. He did this on purpose to try to spoil the day for me . Tw@t.

If by any chance you have the Xanax box or prescription with his name on it please take a photo or copy.

I suspect your children will be a happier once they have been told as I suspect they have been talking about the tension at home between them and with their friends.

Has the counsellor ever met your children? She may be projecting her own opinion on different circumstances.

You need to do what is right for you. I believe as long as you are clear about the (relatively small) impact on their lives, the kids will be fine.

Well done - you've come so far

I agree with others. Living together would be worse as the children will be in limbo waiting for you to move.

I think its best to do it all at once and then the big upset is done.

They are not little children, I think moving out sooner would be far better. They know things are far from ok.

It's laughable that STBXH was playing all this mind games and then says he wants to separate at the the start of the session