Starting over after 25 years - Part Trois

[Lily007]

Time to start a new thread.

I’m hoping all you ‘regulars’ will continue the journey with me 😊

Hi @Lily007...You're bound to still have difficult days until it's all sorted. Hurrah for your solicitor friend, she sounds like she knows her stuff and certainly has the measure of him (fuckwit 🤣)

I wouldn't worry about dating, you're not ready yet, but you're definitely not too old. Nowhere near!! KH has just obliterated your confidence and trust, but you will eventually get both of those back when you're free of him.

For now, concentrating on fighting your corner for the very best deal possible is no bad thing. I hope the new job works out ok, fingers crossed you might prefer it.

Just take good care of yourself and the rest will fall into place when the time's right.

Good luck with the battle and keep us posted.

Hello Lily. Just checking in to wish you well in your new post (next week), hope the work is interesting and not too stressful.
How are you doing?

Hello Lily, how are you? How’s the new job going you started today? I wish you luck with it. Hope you are keeping well. 🌹🌹

Hiya

@toldmywrath and @Redland12 I’ve actually quite enjoyed my first week in my new job 😊 thanks.

I’m doing okay at the moment, we’ve agreed maintenance pending suit so didn’t have to attend court, I drafted a consent order which we both signed and submitted to court. KH has also indicated he wants to agree the final financial order so we’re going to attempt this again by consent.

I really want to sell the house now ASAP and move on. It’ll be nice to have something that’s just mine.

I never imagined 12 months ago I’d ever recover and I still have some sad days but all in all I’m doing okay.

Onwards and upwards 😊

Hello Lily, I know what you mean about selling ASAP, only then can you move on and something of your own. I know it’s a cliche but time is a great healer, I feel better every day, I still too get the odd down day, last Monday morning couldn’t stop crying, it was horrible. As I said I am still living in the same house as my stbxh , I look at him at times and remember all the memories we have, 42 years worth! I’m in a good place mentally which I am so grateful for. Never thought I would be in this situation but I am so have to get on with it. As you say 12 months on you are doing ok and I’m sure you will continue. Im glad you enjoyed your first week. Sending hugs Lily🌹

Hi @Redland12 and thank you.

I really can’t imagine having to live in the same house. You must be such a strong lady. I didn’t realise you’d been together 42 years, is there an OW on the scene?

I’m sure had I been forced to stay in the house with KH it would have taken me longer to recover.

Do you have any idea how much longer you’ll need to stay in the same house?

For you 💐KOKO 😘

My dad left my mum after 32 years marriage. It totally blind sided her but fast forward 3 years and she's the happiest she's ever been, git a new bloke with her interests, a new house, a spring in her step and loving life,

Morning lily, yes 42 years, it’s absolutely tragic. No, no OW, something much worse ALCOHOLISM! It just got so much worse over the years, it comes first in every aspect of our lives, we have 2 gorgeous well adjusted children, late 20’s, who, left home because of this horrendous illness. He’s highly functional and holds down a very well paid job. A lot has been written on MN about this subject so I don’t have to tell you. I’ve had enough, I’m done, as said in previous post I will never love anyone else like I love him, but that is fading somewhat. But, I’m ok, and totally ready to move on and get a new life, I’m a little excited if I’m honest. I know he won’t be able to live without me, please don’t think I’m being arrogant when I say that, but it’s true. When the key is turned for the last time when we sell I have no idea what he will do. So sad. We will be here until it sells. We have separate living and bedroom space, it’s ok we are mostly civil. I’m having nearly all of the money to buy a house mortgage free and he’s going to pay me a monthly salary. He doesn’t want me to touch his pension (which is huge) and I accept that as I will have my own home. When I think of what our lives would have been together without this family disease it makes me weep. Hope you are ok today lily and thanks for replying and flowers🌷

Thanks @notapizzaeater your mum's story gives me some hope.

@Redland12 what an awful situation to be put in. Fortunately, I haven't had any experience of alcoholism, it must be horrendous. I'm glad to hear that once the house is sold you'll be secure financially which is something I suppose. I hope that once you have your own house you'll have some peace of mind.

I'm currently in the midst of email negotiations with KH about us meeting up to attempt to agree a financial settlement. I'd be delighted if I can negotiate a settlement that allows me enough to buy a house mortgage free but I can't see him agreeing to it. The only bargaining chip I've got is that he has stated he wants a clean break as opposed to paying ongoing maintenance. I'm crossing everything that I get a settlement which I can live with and to avoid having any further contact with him."

The last time I saw him was about a month ago when he came to the house to collect his tools. He was looking terrible and telling me how "all this is making me ill". I've had the year from hell but it's making him ill seriously!!!!!. Despite everything, after he'd left I felt so down in the dumps. I am so much better having no contact.

I just want to get the finances sorted out, finalise the divorce and get on with my life.

Lily you've stuck firmly to your no contact position. I admire the strength you've shown. If kh has a large pension pot, you might find yourself in a good financial position.

I hope you can sort everything soon.

Thanks for that @toldmywrath

I've actually had an email today from KH asking if we can meet up to try to agree a financial settlement.

He's coming to the house next Monday. I'm not particularly looking forward to having to meet with him again but I would prefer to agree a settlement rather than have the faff of court attendances.

I know what I'm looking for and I'll ensure I'm well prepared for the negotiations, however, I know I'm going to be quivering wreck.

I'd welcome any advice on how I can best come across as confident and calm. I worry he knows how to play the sympathy card and the last thing I need is to feel sorry for him. Ridiculous I know after everything he's done, but he knows me so well I think that'll be his strategy.

I have a week to rehearse

Hi Lily, been following your threads from the start under different names, it’s great to hear you so positive. I remember you being adamant you wanted to stay in the house, and you’re now looking forward to a place that’s your own lovely to hear.

With regards to you meeting up. I did something similar with my ex, we met up in the pub. I was pleasant, smiled, but didn’t get into idle chit chat. He talked A LOT to make up for the silences and pregnant pauses. I just let him. He seemed very flustered and even though I was a quivering wreck I appeared calm and in control, sat there quietly with my hands in my lap. I was also really assertive. Nice but assertive. I refused to budge on certain things, and when he started to get frustrated that I wasn’t agreeing to what he wanted and just similed and said, ‘ok let’s agree to disagree and we’ll take this part of the agreement to court’ he really didn’t want this so I eventually got a settlement I was very happy with. Don’t be afraid to push back, and remember you don’t have to explain yourself, it’s none of his business what you do with the money or why you want what you want.

Is there a reason you need to meet at the house? Why not somewhere else, far less stressful I'd have thought. And is your lawyer friend planning to be there?

And in fact, given you have been emailing do you need to meet in person at all?

Hi lily, yes it is horrible, alcoholism, but I’ve reached my breaking point. Is it not possible to have someone with you next Monday? You know, your lawyer friend. Isn’t it heartbreaking to have to go through this? It’s such a bloody upheaval. God I loved him lily, I look at him and all the memories we made come flooding back, I wish I could turn back the clock to our happier times, sometimes I think what am I going to do without him and I’m sure he feels the same but it’s all to late. I would never go back. Although I have absolutely loads of friends and I’m hardly at home I am still at times lonely, I miss him but he’s not the man I married, sometimes like a stranger. The weirdest feeling. Have a good week lily.

HelloLily.

I think that's good advice given above about meeting in a neutral place and taking a friend or your solicitor friend (even if they're just in the background) for moral support.

Hiya

I must admit I’m in a bit of a quandary now 😬

It was me who suggested meeting at the house (a) because I don’t want people overhearing our discussions and (b) because I’ve got such a lot of documents I need to refer to.

Also, if I had insisted on my solicitor friend being present he’d have brought his friend too, his friend is my neighbour and I definitely did not want him involved.

I’m thinking I’ve made a cock up now but I don’t want to back out because he’ll think I can’t face him. I’m not worried for my safety or anything like that and he’s aware that all discussions are without prejudice.

I’ll just have to bite the bullet and hope we can agree a settlement which will allow me sell this house, finalise was the divorce and buy something of my own so I won’t need to have any further contact with him 🤞

Be careful. The last time you saw him was at the house, and even with your friend there he pushed your buttons. His wanting his " witness " to be your neighbour is manipulative in the extreme. I think he is trying to play you here.

What does your friend think about you meeting him alone, in the house you lived in together ?

If you are well prepared, and know what your bottom line is, can you take only what papers you require? It shouldn't be impossible to find somewhere reasonably discreet to talk.

Much easier for you both to remain calm and unemotional away from the place with so many memories for you.

Who cares what he thinks? You owe him nothing. He has dragged this out by avoiding you/ the settlement for months.

Do what works for you best.

That’s ok, you can have a discussion as you don’t have to make a decision right away. Talk things through, then if possible talk to your lawyer friend and tell her what was discussed. See if she thinks is acceptable. Just don’t rush into agreeing on anything until you’ve had time to get advice. I understand it’s a bit nerve wracking but you been so amazing so far. I think us women are stronger than we think, 🌹

If it is at your house, then make it as business like as you can. Sit at a table, don't offer tea, just have glasses and water . Act business like and don't fall into being ' an ear ' if he returns to telling you about his troubles and woes.

Hi Lily,

I've always followed your threads and have commented one or two times before so I hope you don't mind me chiming in to say...

I actually think meeting at the house isn't a bad move if you can keep your head on about it. It's your comfort zone and it will be much much weirder for him coming back to somewhere that used to be his home as a now outsider. He was clearly very uncomfortable the last time.

Surely if anything were to trigger the guilts it would be this?

Just remain calm and all will be fine

If he starts on about it being difficult for him and making him ill, just say that it has been very difficult for you, more so as you had not created the situation which is entirely of his making.

Hi Lily

Just a thought... You say that as he knows you so well he could easily press a few sympathy buttons, but, don't forget, you also know him well and would know how to make a 'good impression' as it were. Maybe see that bond between you as something to your advantage, not just his...

You've shown yourself to be incredibly strong and dignified throughout all this. Draw on that; use the discussion to take you forward to your new life.

I’d record the conversation ( and let him know it too ) so he couldn’t say you said this etc. Just straight up place the digital recorder/your phone with app running on the table. Are you prepared to turn him away if he trots along with his mate from next door ?

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your comments.

My solicitor friend is coming to me on Saturday to run through everything with me. She also thinks meeting at my house will be to my advantage. I will be extremely well prepared and I’ll ensure I keep to my script.

I’ll make sure he knows we’re only discussing the finances and I’m not interested in any other issues he may have - his work difficulties are none of my concern any longer and I won’t be offering any advice in that regard.

If he does turn up with the nosey neighbour in tow, I’ll call a halt to the proceedings.

Also, if he so much as mentions how ill all this is making him I won’t hesitate to state that it’s all his doing.

I’m hopeful we can come to a “clean break” agreement so once all the i’s are dotted and the t’s crossed I can get on with my life without the need for any further contact with him

Over the past year I’ve gathered quite a bit of information about him which, if revealed, would prove very embarrassing but you know what they say “revenge is a dish best served cold” 😙