Starting over after 25 years - Part Trois

[Lily007]

Time to start a new thread.

I’m hoping all you ‘regulars’ will continue the journey with me 😊

Haha to the friend request. I bet your jaw dropped to the floor for that one !
Well handled by you .

@VictoriaBun. Yes I was a little shocked to say the least 🤭

I don’t believe for a minute her FB account was hacked and I doubt he does either. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when he got home that evening. I can’t imagine he’ll have been too pleased 🙈

As I’m attempting to clear out the loft and garage, I sent his solicitor a letter on Monday asking whether there are any items KH wants. The cheeky shit wants me to let him come into the house one day next week to collect what he wants! No way am I allowing him access unaccompanied, I might come home to an empty house 😬.

I’ve responded saying he needs to provide a list, that I’ll box everything up and then we can make arrangements for collection or delivery. I’m going to have to change the alarm code so he can’t just waltz in when it suits.

My solicitor friend has said that because he’s been left 12 months, the court would rule I’m entitled to my privacy and I can’t be expected to allow him unaccompanied access.

The sooner I get a court date for the financial issues the better.

When myself and not so dh divorced ( also a kh ) It was me that left the house . He very soon got a new gf , who would stay over at the house. When it was arranged for me to collect last few personal belongs plus sort /share things like 20 years of shared music collection etc, she had the gall to stand over me whilst we were sorted out them. She had on very large gaudy earrings on and my fingers we're itching to rip them off her. My parting shot to her was the advice to lose the earrings as ones like that were a pet hate of his !

Well......it’s 12 months today since KH left!

On the advice of my solicitor friend I had my front door lock changed so he can’t get in. I’m bracing myself for the fall out 😬

I’m still waiting for a hearing date of my maintenance pending suit application. I telephoned the court on Friday and was advised my file was with the DIstrict Judge so fingers crossed the hearing will be listed within the next couple of weeks.

Everyone who told me that time is a great healer were spot on. When I think back to when he first left, I can’t believe I got through it but I did.

I just want to get the house on the market and find my own place so I can get on with my life.

Thank you to everyone who’s supported me this past year 😘

Glad today is ok for you.

Good afternoon Lily. OMG! 12 months! It’s good to hear you say about time being a great healer, I agree with that too. You must be in such a different mind set now. In a better place mentally. I get where your coming from about selling the house and moving on. As you know I’m in the same position. It’s like living in limbo. We’ve not gone down the lawyer route(yet), trying to sort it out between ourselves, Its working ok so far but who knows. Well done you 🌺

For you Lily

Wow, a year already.

Onwards & upwards Lily 🥂💐

Gosh Lily you are doing so well, hats off to you

Been on your threads since the beginning under various names. Pleased to have found you again and to hear that you are doing so well

Evening Lily, how are you? Hope you are well.🌺

Hi

Oh my where to begin.

STBXH came to the house last Saturday to collect the last of his things. I was shocked at his appearance, he looked terrible.

Whilst he was packing up some books in the spare bedroom, I took him a cold drink. He asked me how we could sort things out because “all this is making me ill”. I was bloody gobsmacked 😶.

I told him I had been trying to sort things out as amicably as possible but his solicitor was being difficult. He said he wants to sack off his solicitor and to try to settle things between us.

He asked me if I could sort out some photographs for him to keep and how my son is doing. When I agreed to sort out the photos and said my son is really well, he started to fill up. Despite everything he’s done this past year, I felt sorry for him.

I know I shouldn’t let him get to me but it’s so difficult 😥.

He just looked so tired and old!

He can sack his solicitor if he wants- but please do not try to settle between you-- he will shaft you.
I have a feeling you are being played

Oh Lily be very, very cautious, I have a very good friend who went through a very similar scenario to yours.
Once things got difficult (for him) there was all the "Don't you feel sorry for me , I'm really suffering" He realised he'd been an idiot and that his life previous to the OW hadn't been that bad.
Fortunately my friend , with the support of family and good friends reminded herself of the appalling way she had been treated and how cruelly he had behaved.
I went with her to the Court for the final financial settlement, when her ex realised what it was going to cost he asked his barrister to ask if there was any chance of a reconciliation!
Poor girl she nearly fell apart.
Its getting difficult for KH, and he is realising you reap what you sow, you know you can't trust him!
You've been so strong, he's realising the cost of his behaviour (now blaming his solicitor!)
Please don't feel sorry for him, don't be too nice for your own good, just be fair, and be guided by your advisor.

@inlectorcumbit and @Hazelbite. Thank you for your responses.

I know you’re both right and I won’t let him fool me.

Whilst he was at the house my (solicitor) friend was with me and she explained if we can agree a settlement she will draft a consent order which the court will need to rubber stamp. She explained the order would be legally binding.

He emailed me his offer last Wednesday but I wasn’t agreeable so I made a counter offer. I’m waiting for his response.

I’ve absolutely no idea how things are with OW and I didn’t ask him any questions. The only issues I mentioned were the finances.

If he’s not happy, it’s his fault not mine and I won’t let his “oh woe me” act soften me.

My aim is just to agree a settlement I can live with.

Of course you felt that way Lily you have history and is so sad. It does start to have an impact on your well being. You are lucky to have your solicitor friend to give you great advice. He’s clearly suffering in his every day life and not coping. He must reflect at times at what he has done, but to late. Yes, I agree you do what’s best for you. I too say you reap what you sow. 🌹

Don't wait too long for his response, and do not concede on anything. Your offer is first and final with no negotiations.
You are very fortunate to have a solicitor friend to help you on this path but remember court is still an option for settlement.
Have a nice peaceful Sunday

Lily I am relieved that you had your solicitor friend with you when he called.
Unfortunately it has finally dawned on him how much he has lost both financially and in terms of relationships with extended (ie your) family.
Hopefully all this won't drag on for much longer and you can finally make plans for your future.

I wouldn’t read anything into the FB request. It’s FB doing its linking requests. Doesn’t mean she sent it or has been looking at your profile. I’ve received loads.

Of purse you felt sorry for him, that’s only natural, regardless of what he’s done, you loved him and were with him for 25 years. You feel sorry because you are a kind human being.

But, and it’s a bit but, the reason he’s feeling sad/ill/upset is all a result of HIS behaviour and choices. He left, he had an affair, he stopped paying the mortgage, he left you financial screwed at that point and he had no problem putting all this over social media with no thought to you.

So yes, feel sorry for him. But remember that it should now never be to your detriment any longer.

Hugs OP we alll knew it would end in tears for him and it’s come when you are stronger and happier which, I for one, am eatatic about

Sorry about the typos

Omg @Lily007! How lovely to spot you're still around! I've missed you!

I've just caught up with the thread, things have really moved along. You're sounding strong and resolute, so hopefully he'll get that you're not about to back down easily and he'll agree to your settlement.

How have you been in yourself? Have you been keeping yourself busy? What's happening with work? Didn't you think you might be made redundant early this year?

And dare I say it, have you thought about dating yet?

The tired, old and ill look is often part of the script too. Worth reminding yourself. Often appears sooner, but you haven't really seen each other much have you? I bet he scrubs up fine when he wants too.

And his solicitor has been acting on his instruction, or lack off as well. KOKO.

Hello Lily. You're obviously a kind and compassionate person and that's why you feel sorry for your ex.
It's ok to feel sorry for him. You won't let it affect anything and your solicitor friend will work in your best interest.

Hello @Tootstastic it’s lovely to hear from you again. I’m not doing too badly thanks. I still have sad days but I seem to bounce back sooner.

@MsPavlichenko. I’m sure you’re right. I’ve no doubt making me feel sorry for him was deliberate. He knows me too well 🙄.

@toldmywrath. My solicitor friend will not allow him to play the oh woe me card. She never refers to him by his name, she just calls him fuckwit.

We’ve managed to agree interim maintenance until I can sell the house BUT in an email he sent me yesterday he’s made it quite clear he isn’t prepared to pay any maintenance indefinitely. He wants a clean break settlement, problem with that is there is very little money to facilitate a clean break. If he lets me have the equity in the house and his smaller pension (which is what he’s offering) and I have to rent a house, the money would last me 5 years! He’s got 11 years left to work and earns almost 4 times my salary.

It’s bad enough that he buggered off like he did but to then twist the knife by trying to get out of paying me what I’m entitled to is not on. He forgets I’ve got his bank statements so I know what he’s spending. He spends ££££’s on holidays, weekends away, nights out etc. I go out maybe once a month and never go overboard spending.

The restructure at work did happen and whilst I was not made redundant I have had to accept a different job. Don’t start it until 9 April so I don’t know if I’ll like it or not but at the moment I just need a job so we’ll see how it goes.

I’m sure once I’ve sold the house and the financial issues are resolved, I’ll feel better. I’d sooner not have to have any contact with him at all.

Thank you to you all for checking how I’m doing.

Oh and @Tootstastic, I can’t begin to think about dating again. I feel I’m too old and also can’t imagine trusting any man again ever 😥