DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

It's completely unfair to suggest that he wants to change the arrangement AND for you to continue to have 100% childcare responsibility.
The way he sees it, he works 50-60 hours a week or more. So I could work a standard 40 hour job and still do all the housework and all the pick ups and drop offs, and that would be more equal.

Except we wouldn’t be any better off because childcare would consume my salary. Imo he’s resentful that I can’t get a job that would leave us better off.

You can't use your savings to have surgery which would stop you being in permanent severe pain because he says it's a waste?!
Because they’re not my savings to spend. They’re ours.

Your half of the mortgage can't have been paid off because money that your father left to you was not indeed for you
Apparently it can’t count as my “contribution” because I haven’t earned it.

My word, so the huge financial contribution you made doesn't count at all to him?

And yet he resents you being home and taking care of his child all day, and believes he has to pay for everything when you have paid for half of the house, and are still buying all the shopping, and before you were also splitting the bills in half?

Do not touch that 15K, you need something for you, you may need an escape fund or something, he sounds awful actually.

This man sounds like my ex husband. Everything that was mine was ours, but everything that was his was his and I needed to pull my weight and contribute more because he was fed up paying for everything. (Ignoring my small income, a small money gift from my father, a small inheritance, and the fact that I was responsible for everything in the home.) My mum used to treat me to things every now and again, just small things like cushions etc, and he always went absolutely ballistic because he saw this as undeserved!

I think he's angry that you've "paid off" your half of what the mortgage would have been, and that he's left paying the rest. Men like this can never see "contributions" being anything other than direct financial input from money you've made yourself. Being a SAHM isn't contributing in their eyes, nor is an inheritance.

Even if you went back to work full time, I put money on him expecting you to continue doing absolutely everything you're doing now on top of a job because what you're doing now is worthless to him.

There are good men in this world whose jobs have that kind of 100% commitment, and those men appreciate fully the role their wives play because without a wife in the background there is no way that commitment would be possible.

You haven't got one of those. If I were you, I'd leave that £15K where it is, and would also add more to it. Please whatever you do, don't spend your other savings as you've been doing, then leave yourself with nothing because you've spent all YOUR savings trying to keep yourself and the home going. Meanwhile he has a great job, a home where half of it is already paid for, no doubt a great pension, and a very good steady income.

He sounds an abusive man, and I wouldn't want to stay with him. If you left I don't know if he would get half your savings, but you'd get your half of the house back since you paid for it, and you may be entitled to some of his pension too. You would be the primary carer for your child, and that would also influence what happens.

Why don't you go and see a (good) solicitor for a half hour of free advice and take it from there. Right now you seem to be believing what he says about how he would be entitled to your money, and he's using that to frighten you into submission.

When you have some facts, the way forward may be a lot clearer.

so the huge financial contribution you made doesn't count at all to him?

Because I didn’t make that contribution. My DF did.

Imo he’s resentful that I can’t get a job that would leave us better off.

Even if you could, he’d still have to take on some of the childcare burden. Some of the dropoffs, some of the pickups, some of the oh-bugger-what’s-that-rash unexpected days off work. Unless you start enough where you can get 24/7 nanny care somebody needs to do that, and it can’t be solely you in most jobs which pay the kind of salary that would match his.

I hope you can see that whatever he says, you did indeed make that contribution. If you think he's correct, then he's really done a number on you.

Because I didn’t make that contribution. My DF did.

No, YOU did.

Your father left you with a house and you did this with it. As it was your money from your father you could've gone a an expensive world tour or pissed it away, you DECIDED to do this. It was your money to do with what you did.

The fact he doesn't value this means speaks volumes.

Ideally what would you like to happen? are you going to be able to talk this through so he can find a more even ground between you?

Is it just finances that he is obnoxious about, is everything else ok?

Don't touch the money from your GM keep that very separate, as it was from an inheritance it is not automatically part of the marital assets should you split in the future.

I would point out again to him that you have already contributed your part of the house, so you didn't earn it but your family did and you then inherited it. Where the money came from is irrelevant you provided it for the family pot.

I can kind of see his point. He sees my inheritance as ours. We as a couple received an inheritance and we still have the rest of our mortgage to pay, but he is the only one paying it. He doesn’t see my childcare and housework as equivalent to his job, despite the fact I put in more hours because I’m doing it all day and all night as well. And he’s watching all these higher earning female colleagues returning to work and contributing money to their families while he’s the only one bringing money into our family. Because my earning capacity is pretty much as low as it gets so pretty much everyone is better than me at contributing to their families.

I would spend Grans inheritance in surgery before you do have to give it away.

It sounds like a business arrangement for him which he is the only beneficiary.

I would be also spending money on legal advice .

But unless he was specifically mentioned in the will, its not 'ours' its 'yours' and yours alone.

He is not respecting your contribution to the household and I fear whatever you do he will not.

I'm not saying you should go and get a job, I think the timing is as you say probably not right at the moment but I think you are underselling yourself, you clearly have the qualifications and I'm sure given time and space to develop the training you could be an excellent earner, why don't you try and do some part time lecturing, it will certainly be more intellectually satisfying than a zero hours contract job.

You have a PHD, your earnings don't have to be low but the longer out of the workplace the harder it will be to have a career. Don't you want to pay back your student debt?

You're right he likely expected and wanted an equal and sees others doing it and is resentful he's not going someone sharing the load.

Easy to wrong foot him in this arguement.
Agree with him...
Yes we are so lucky to get money from my dad that meant our mortgage costs less .
Never call it anything but joint.
It could be just that you do have time to do a food order, yet your making him do a full shop.... I think your being lazy, as a single mum and I found time to do it ..

He works very long hours, any person would be tired at 10 hour days. Maybe you should think about how you can improve your life
I do think since you do have savings then paying for food when he pays the rest isn't a big ask. Is there much left after he pays all the bills, and can you sit and ask him how he wants to fund things?

He sees my inheritance as ours. We as a couple received an inheritance and we still have the rest of our mortgage to pay, but he is the only one paying it

Fuck that shit.

My DH is in line for an inheritance at some point. It is HIS inheritance, not ours. He will undoubtably use it to further our family interests, because he's a decent sort. But if he wanted to keep some back and do something frivolous and ridiculous with it then fair play, it's HIS inheritance. Similarly, if we split I'd never go after it in a divorce settlement (unless he was being s massive twat and I needed it for the kids). Similarly if he needed expensive life changing surgery then this would come first in terms of the use of inheritance.

He's absolutely financially abusing you OP.

Oh come on.

If the inheritance isn't yours, then your DF mow in theory owns 1/2 your house.

What is yours is seen by him also as his and what he earns is his own too. This man does not want to share. This is who he really is and as the years pass, if you do choose to stay with him, you will be in for more controlling stuff from him of a similar nature. Your child cannot afford to grow up learning such damaging crap on relationships for him to potentially repeat as an adult. I would think that your husband's behaviour is learnt from his parents and such men do not change.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What is in this relationship for you, what are you getting out of this now?

He has only got half the mortgage to pay off because you've paid half already. That is to his advantage thanks to you!

He simply can't have this both ways, where everything you contribute is either 'ours' or doesn't really count, and everything he contributes is his own highly valuable currency. That is not on.

I would be tempted to point out that in a split, you will get your equity in the house back, and he will have to start paying you maintenance for the 24-7 childcare you currently provide for him for free. So if he thinks he's badly off now, let him see the alternatives.

You're right he likely expected and wanted an equal

But he doesn’t want an equal, he wants his job to remain 100% flexible and do whatever hours it calls for including short-notice overnight trips, with OP providing 100% of childcare. How would they manage if she ended up with a job just like his? They’d need live-in childcare at least.

I could be doing that sort of job in my workplace. I’d earn more than I do at present. But I don’t, because DH works and you really need one stay-at-home parent to pull that off.

But what makes it 'ours' when his wages are 'his'?

It's just, the only reason it would be 'our' inheritance is because he is married to you. You would have it either way. And he can only earn so much because you are there looking after your daughter and supporting him.

Why do you not see that his wages should also be yours? Especially as your inheritance is his?

The way he sees it, he works 50-60 hours a week or more. So I could work a standard 40 hour job and still do all the housework and all the pick ups and drop offs, and that would be more equal.

His job is the problem. If you're both working FT, he'd need to pull his weight in childcare/housework. If he doesn't have time, he'll need to find a new job.

OP, it seems as if you've made all the compromises, and he's made none. You've given up your job after a huge amount of training (phd). He's still got his, and he's adamant that absolutely nothing about it can change? He's not willing to flexi, or push back on the 2-3 day meetings, or job hunt or go PT to help you find a job to slot around his?

But he's the one complaining. So what's his solution?

I think you need to have a proper discussion about the future. If DH doesn't start to treat you fairly and as an equal in the marriage then I would walk, or at the very least return to work full time using your PhD which will be a good long term plan to increase your own earnings. Get a cleaner and let DH pay for childcare. He can afford this if he is earning over £60k.

Just on the point of a contribution only counting if you earn it.

I just cannot believe he is spinning this lie to you and you buy his crap.

If I make a contribution towards a charity it doesn't matter if I inherited it or worked a 60 hour week to give it.

A contribution is just that, a contribution, and your contribution counts, and please, whatever else you do, do not forget that.

And your contribution to raising your child also counts. I think he's been spinning this crap to you for so long you believe him. But he couldn't do all of those crazy hours and go away if you wasn't able to care for both of your child.

I can't believe he said he's be able to get half if you split too. That's a strange way of talking to someone you love.

Surely If you have to pay childcare he would pay half ?

He's .financially abusing you and it's leaving you very vulnerable

I can kind of see his point. He sees my inheritance as ours. We as a couple received an inheritance and we still have the rest of our mortgage to pay, but he is the only one paying it.

Nonsense!

YOU received an inheritance. YOU chose to use it to buy the house. YOU didn't have to do that. Because of YOU, he now only pays a mortgage that's half what it would have been.

What is he expecting exactly? That you go back to work, continue with 100% of childcare and household responsibilities, and also pay half the mortgage? Thus in the end leaving you having contributed up to 3/4 of the money towards buying the house?!

But of course I'm sure if you put that to him, he'd only say it's not mine and yours, it's OURs, despite you having contributed 1/4 more than him. Do you see how this works OP?

He's trying to guilt you into believing that YOUR money isn't actually yours, so that YOU end up contributing far more than your share financially and receive no credit for your non-financial contribution. Please don't fall for this any longer.