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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

S-I-L has changed.

131 replies

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:26

I feel really sorry for my niece and nephew, but my husband is telling me to keep my nose out.
Basically S-I-L has changed beyond recognition.
She used to be very Mother Earth, extended breast fed, organic food, homemade everything from scratch, co-slept and bragged about how eldest child was 5 and they’d never had a night apart.
So a couple of years ago she started a hobby. She’s pretty amateur at this hobby, but clearly enjoys it.
My worry is how much her attitude towards her kids have changed.
Literally overnight she’ll palm the kids off on anyone she can for sleepovers or whole days so she can do her hobby.
Her kids are scruffy and dirty because she’s not really paying them attention. She lets them dress themselves and if they want to wear the same clothes every day for a week then she lets them for an easy life.
Their hair is scruffy and getting matted as she doesn’t bother brushing it.
She puts the kids (5 and 7) to bed at 10.30pm at the weekends so they lie in in the morning so she can do her hobby.
She goes away most weekends and travels abroad at least 5 times a year alone, while her kids are begging her to go on an aeroplane.
She’s spending all of the families money on her hobby. The kids have asked to do karate and dancing, but she’s said no as it costs too much and it eats into her hobby time. Bearing in mind she has hundreds and hundreds of pounds worth of hobby clothing and materials.
She constantly slags the kids off and says they’re annoying and she deserves her me time.
To top it off today she dumped the kids round here this morning and they were moaning that my kids had sledges and they didn’t (all had a snow day)
S-I-L said she wasn’t prepared to spend £20 on something they’d use once when she could buy herself a new sports bra.
They go on holiday once a year as a family and it’s somewhere where S-I-L does her hobby.
The kids sit in a tent all day waiting for their mum to finish. Even grandparents go down for a couple of days to take the kids out somewhere or they’d do nothing for the kids all holiday.
I just think it’s sad that my niece and nephew are going without their mums time, energy, attention and money, while S-I-L gets everything she wants.
B-I-L is besotted and won’t say anything to her.
He’s suffering from awful depression at the moment and doesn’t have the energy to confront her. It’s like his priority is pleasing his wife and not the kids.
I know nothing will be done re the kids, as they’re fed, bathed a couple of times a week, have a roof over their head (although the house is a dump due to S-I-L not having the time to clean)
I just feel bad. Both kids are really behind in school as no one bothers to do reading or homework with them.
She’s got her priorities all wrong and her kids will be little for such a short time.
I want to shake her.

OP posts:
everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:30

If anything I probably put my kids first too much.
We go to Butlin’s on holiday when I’d prefer abroad and secluded, my kids do 5 extra curricular activities between them, I have no social life and no hobbies!
And every last penny I have goes on the kids while I’ve not had new clothes for a year.
So I can see we are total polar opposites, but I just feel bad for her kids.
They’re so pale, and skinny and scruffy.
They help themselves to food from the cupboards and she says at 5 and 7 they’re capable of making a sandwich if theyre hungry.
It’s like she’s given up on being a mum.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 01/02/2019 20:35

Has your BIL given up on being a dad too? You seem to think all the parenting is her responsibility. How do you know all this stuff about their life? What is your BIL doing to rectify the situation with his wife and children?

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 01/02/2019 20:36

Maybe you really should get a social life and a hobby instead of being so obsessed with other people.

pictish · 01/02/2019 20:41

Good point. Bil is culpable here too. Why is he not making sure his kids are not grubby, thin and ignored?

It sounds as though your sil has an obsessive personality that gets fixated on things. Being a mother was her hobby before she took up with another one. I don’t know what’s going on there...without her side of the story it’s not sounding great.

But yes, they have two parents.

TulipsInbloom1 · 01/02/2019 20:43

So SIL and BIL are neglecting the dc?

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:44

Wow! Ok. I’ll stay out of it!
I know all of this because I speak to S-I-L and DH talks to his brother!
I just worry re the change in her that she’s maybe depressed.
B-I-L is hopeless if I’m completely honest. He has to be directed to do anything with the kids and get reassurance before doing anything.
So basically SIL is off 80% of the time doing her hobby, BIL is working but has depression and is hopeless, he lets the kids fend for themselves and kids are being ignored.
Perhaps BIL’s behaviour is the way SIL is why she is. She probably got fed up of dealing with everything for 5 years and decided she was entitled to a life too.
But in all of this their kids are suffering.
They both need to step up.

OP posts:
Sunshinewithshowers123 · 01/02/2019 20:44

What's the hobby?

NotANotMan · 01/02/2019 20:46

Yes they do! You excuse your BIL because he's 'hopeless' but he's just as responsible as she is. Maybe she got depressed too with her 'hopeless' husband and wanted to do something more fulfilling with her life?

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:46

Hobby is triathalon.
So she’s either lake/pool swimming, cycling or running.
And she goes all over the world taking part in amateur triathlons.

OP posts:
Raven88 · 01/02/2019 20:50

Both the parents are responsible for the kids. You are blaming one parent. Honestly I would be reporting them if the situation is as bad as you are making it out to be.

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:50

Yes BIL needs to step up.
It’s hard to explain. SIL is very controlling and for years she’s micromanaged his life. He’s not allowed friends, or hobbies, or to do anything outside of their family life.
So he has taken a back seat and now he’s struggling having the kids for 2 weeks at a time while she goes abroad cycling as he hasn’t got a clue how to look after them.
SIL says she’s sick of doing everything and deserves a life and has pretty much bailed on them all.
I’m not on anyone’s side, except the kids in all of this.

OP posts:
EhlanaOfElenia · 01/02/2019 20:53

I don't think your SIL has changed at all. She has an obsessive personality, and whereas she used to be obsessed about how to be a 'good mother' and went overboard with all the mother earth behaviour, and now she's changed direction with her obsessions. At some point I'm sure she'll change to something else. Probably after she's spent a fuckton of money on this hobby though.

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:56

It’s utterly selfish behaviour from them both, but I feel like there’s nothing that anyone can do.
Social services would laugh if I told them there were 2 kids in a 3 bed house in a nice area who were getting fed (albeit feeding themselves) and had clothing (with food stains all over) and matted hair (as they didn’t brush it).
I just worry that they’re not really getting any love/time/attention.
Just so different to 5 years ago when she was tandem breastfeeding and spending hours researching organic food choices.
Her kids constantly moan that they never get taken to the park/free community farm/soft play/beach etc
And it’s true. They don’t. In the past 2 years I’ve not seen them go on a single day out especially for the kids.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say to be honest.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/02/2019 20:57

To be fair, none of us have a clue how to look after children until we have to. It’s pretty straightforward, if monotonous, in terms of the basics...feeding, bathing etc.

Is he upset about his wife’s hobby and her departure from the family?

Variousartists · 01/02/2019 21:00

Who looks after them while she is doing her hobby or going abroad?

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 21:00

She 10000% has an obsessive personality.
The amount of things she obsessed about over the years.
Tracing all food sources back to the farm they were grown on, only eating organic, putting the whole family on a vegan diet, cutting out certain food groups for all 4 of them, gluten free, sugar free etc.
Then free parenting, attachment parenting, letting the kids cry it out.
Then yoga for all 4 of them, acupuncture, reiki.
But this triathlon thing has been 2 years now and where everything was focused on the kids before it’s almost like they’re an inconvenience to her now.

OP posts:
everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 21:02

So she makes her husband take all of his holiday entitlement to look after the kids, or work flexi time so he can still do the school runs while she’s away.
She’s a stay at home mum so doesn’t need to use holiday to go away.
Other than that we help out quite a bit, and both sets of grandparents.

OP posts:
Sunshinewithshowers123 · 01/02/2019 21:05

Does your DH feel he can speak to his brother about it. Would he open up to him or do you think he doesn't see a problem?

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 21:06

BIL is very much a closed book.
He won’t tell DH a lot.
He pretends everything is fine, but it’s obviously not.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 01/02/2019 21:08

Is she Gwyneth Paltrow ?!

Bess78 · 01/02/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihatethecold · 01/02/2019 21:21

I don’t believe that she does her hobby 80% of the time op?

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 21:26

Genuinely. She’ll go for a 10k run first thing, then drop the kids to school, go cycling for a couple of hours and then most days do a cold water swim too.
When the kids are at school she’s researching triathlons or on forums/Facebook pages.
All weekend she gets her husband to drive her to different events or different lakes/bodies of water to practise.
She’ll also do a few spin classes a week.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 01/02/2019 21:28

So weekends? I can't see why her workout time in the week is an issue. The dc are at school.

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 21:29

Final straw today was when they got dropped round and were playing in the snow and didn’t even own a pair of gloves each.
It’s like their mum just doesn’t think.
But you can get your bottom dollar she’s got at least 5 pairs of cycling gloves.
They said they’ve asked for some but mummy says no because there’s no time to go to the shopping centre.

OP posts:
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