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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

S-I-L has changed.

131 replies

everydayiwonder · 01/02/2019 20:26

I feel really sorry for my niece and nephew, but my husband is telling me to keep my nose out.
Basically S-I-L has changed beyond recognition.
She used to be very Mother Earth, extended breast fed, organic food, homemade everything from scratch, co-slept and bragged about how eldest child was 5 and they’d never had a night apart.
So a couple of years ago she started a hobby. She’s pretty amateur at this hobby, but clearly enjoys it.
My worry is how much her attitude towards her kids have changed.
Literally overnight she’ll palm the kids off on anyone she can for sleepovers or whole days so she can do her hobby.
Her kids are scruffy and dirty because she’s not really paying them attention. She lets them dress themselves and if they want to wear the same clothes every day for a week then she lets them for an easy life.
Their hair is scruffy and getting matted as she doesn’t bother brushing it.
She puts the kids (5 and 7) to bed at 10.30pm at the weekends so they lie in in the morning so she can do her hobby.
She goes away most weekends and travels abroad at least 5 times a year alone, while her kids are begging her to go on an aeroplane.
She’s spending all of the families money on her hobby. The kids have asked to do karate and dancing, but she’s said no as it costs too much and it eats into her hobby time. Bearing in mind she has hundreds and hundreds of pounds worth of hobby clothing and materials.
She constantly slags the kids off and says they’re annoying and she deserves her me time.
To top it off today she dumped the kids round here this morning and they were moaning that my kids had sledges and they didn’t (all had a snow day)
S-I-L said she wasn’t prepared to spend £20 on something they’d use once when she could buy herself a new sports bra.
They go on holiday once a year as a family and it’s somewhere where S-I-L does her hobby.
The kids sit in a tent all day waiting for their mum to finish. Even grandparents go down for a couple of days to take the kids out somewhere or they’d do nothing for the kids all holiday.
I just think it’s sad that my niece and nephew are going without their mums time, energy, attention and money, while S-I-L gets everything she wants.
B-I-L is besotted and won’t say anything to her.
He’s suffering from awful depression at the moment and doesn’t have the energy to confront her. It’s like his priority is pleasing his wife and not the kids.
I know nothing will be done re the kids, as they’re fed, bathed a couple of times a week, have a roof over their head (although the house is a dump due to S-I-L not having the time to clean)
I just feel bad. Both kids are really behind in school as no one bothers to do reading or homework with them.
She’s got her priorities all wrong and her kids will be little for such a short time.
I want to shake her.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 02/02/2019 13:00

I agree with Attila - "do not be that person who merely watches and waits".

Why is your husband so uninterested? Yes you are criticising his brother - but rightly so!

Do you know what the grandparents think?

Bess78 · 02/02/2019 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TacoLover · 02/02/2019 13:21

Bluntness I also am thinking the blame is more on SIL as he seems to be in an abusive relationship and also works full time unlike their mum... she is unbelievably controlling. She doesn't even let him have any friends let alone a hobby like she does.

Gooseysgirl · 02/02/2019 13:55

OP please contact NSPCC as others have advised. This family clearly needs support. I would also ask for a confidential meeting with whoever is the safeguarding lead at the school.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2019 16:01

Does it matter who is "more" to blame. They are both neglecting their children,

If he is so mentally ill op, that he can be excused of neglecting his children, , but apparently can hold down a job, then is he getting help?

Because as much as you decribe her as an abusive wife and neglectful mother, you also paint him as an abused mentally ill man who can't be expected to step up and do anything for his hungry dirty neglected kids. Not in the morning, not in the evening, not even at the weekends.

Call social services, because you're also doing these children a disservice by watching both their parents neglect them, even if both have different reasons for doing so.

MostlyBoastly · 03/02/2019 17:38

Tacolover Are you OP?

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