S-I-L has changed.

[everydayiwonder]

I feel really sorry for my niece and nephew, but my husband is telling me to keep my nose out.
Basically S-I-L has changed beyond recognition.
She used to be very Mother Earth, extended breast fed, organic food, homemade everything from scratch, co-slept and bragged about how eldest child was 5 and they’d never had a night apart.
So a couple of years ago she started a hobby. She’s pretty amateur at this hobby, but clearly enjoys it.
My worry is how much her attitude towards her kids have changed.
Literally overnight she’ll palm the kids off on anyone she can for sleepovers or whole days so she can do her hobby.
Her kids are scruffy and dirty because she’s not really paying them attention. She lets them dress themselves and if they want to wear the same clothes every day for a week then she lets them for an easy life.
Their hair is scruffy and getting matted as she doesn’t bother brushing it.
She puts the kids (5 and 7) to bed at 10.30pm at the weekends so they lie in in the morning so she can do her hobby.
She goes away most weekends and travels abroad at least 5 times a year alone, while her kids are begging her to go on an aeroplane.
She’s spending all of the families money on her hobby. The kids have asked to do karate and dancing, but she’s said no as it costs too much and it eats into her hobby time. Bearing in mind she has hundreds and hundreds of pounds worth of hobby clothing and materials.
She constantly slags the kids off and says they’re annoying and she deserves her me time.
To top it off today she dumped the kids round here this morning and they were moaning that my kids had sledges and they didn’t (all had a snow day)
S-I-L said she wasn’t prepared to spend £20 on something they’d use once when she could buy herself a new sports bra.
They go on holiday once a year as a family and it’s somewhere where S-I-L does her hobby.
The kids sit in a tent all day waiting for their mum to finish. Even grandparents go down for a couple of days to take the kids out somewhere or they’d do nothing for the kids all holiday.
I just think it’s sad that my niece and nephew are going without their mums time, energy, attention and money, while S-I-L gets everything she wants.
B-I-L is besotted and won’t say anything to her.
He’s suffering from awful depression at the moment and doesn’t have the energy to confront her. It’s like his priority is pleasing his wife and not the kids.
I know nothing will be done re the kids, as they’re fed, bathed a couple of times a week, have a roof over their head (although the house is a dump due to S-I-L not having the time to clean)
I just feel bad. Both kids are really behind in school as no one bothers to do reading or homework with them.
She’s got her priorities all wrong and her kids will be little for such a short time.
I want to shake her.

Because after school she’s on the treadmill, or takes them to sit and watch her doing a spin class or she’s got this thing she puts her bike on so she can cycle indoors.
So the kids aren’t allowed to do any activities like karate or dancing as there’s no time.
And the kids are 5 and 7 and have never had a swimming lesson, while their mum has professional coaching to improve her swimming technique.
I’d rather my kids learnt to swim than me, in case they ever fell in water.
I just think it grates on me that the kids are constantly second best.

I would have to talk to her about it. She is seriously neglecting her children and being completely selfish. And if she didn't change I would speak to the school about her.

The pair of them sound as if they're struggling with parenting at the moment. What is it that you want to do? Actually DO to help them? What is your husband doing to help them?

I'm trying to read past your first post because it's so incredibly judgemental and not in the least bit altruistic or caring.

If what you've posted is true and not embellished then your husband needs to speak to his sibling and find out what's going on. Perhaps he should have a conversation with his parents to see how best to help (if helping is what he wants to do). Perhaps it does need an intervention from outside agencies and I'm sure they won't hesitate to step in if it's in the interests of the children.

I think you though should stay out of it. Focus on your own children because I can't see any benefit in the SIL/BIL's children spending time with you, not when you so obviously feel the way you've posted here.

I cared for a long time.
But I think it’s gone on so long that I’m just irritated by it now.
That I end up doing so much of their childcare because she’s selfish and puts herself first.
I don’t get 5 seconds to myself, and now I’ve got an extra 2 children to look after.
I love the kids to bits honestly and me and SIL used to be so close, but I just don’t understand the person she’s turned into.
I try to talk to her but she just repeats that it’s her turn to have some time. She spent 5 years bringing up her kids 24/7 and now their at school she should be allowed her freedom.

It’s like she obsessed with the sport and everything that comes with it.
It is all she cares about.

I just don’t know whether to keep having the kids and let her do what she likes hobby wise, or to say no and force her into having to put the kids first.
I worry that she’d just find someone else to have the kids, and they are happy playing here.
My husband just goes silent when I try to talk to him, as he says that’s his brother I’m slagging off. He doesn’t like arguments and doesn’t even like me complaining about SIL to be honest. He’ll just shrug and walk off.

So stop doing her childcare. I can’t get excited about her children not doing karate or swimming. Why are you so threatened by her changed priorities? The universe doesn’t give out brownie points for maternal self-sacrifice.

This is what I would do, everyday, I wouldn't allow myself to be roped in for childcare and, if childcare is needed, your husband would be the one to do it. These are HIS nephews/nieces and, since he seems to take a back-seat and keep the peace, he can look after the children too.

Take your own children out and don't let them get enmeshed in this mess because that's what it is. A mess.

I think your husband would start to think of a better strategy than 'keeping the peace' if he were the one picking up the slack.

It's all well and good to be so passive when you're not the one who actively and actually has to do something to help... he needs to be the 'go to'' for these children now.

I think you'd actually feel better too if you weren't the automatic 'back-stop'. I understand how frustrating it must be for you but if you want to see change then you'll need to make that happen - take yourself out of the options and let them all sort it out for themselves.

I think the resolution will come quickly.

I’m all for having time for yourself.
I know that’s it’s unhealthy how little I do for myself.
But she’s the other end of the spectrum.
Her kids come last in absolutely everything. Their cleanliness, their education, their hobbies and interests, their clothing, their food. Even their very late weekend bedtime is to suit her the next morning.

It’s like their mum just doesn’t think
Or their dad.
she gets her husband to drive her to different events
Or their dad won't just put his foot down.
And the kids are 5 and 7 and have never had a swimming lesson, while their mum has professional coaching to improve her swimming technique
And their dad has never arranged or taken them to lessons.
mummy says no because there’s no time to go to the shopping centre
And their dad doesn't take them.

These kids sound like they have two shit parents. I really don't like the way you are putting this all on her.

Oh and no more 'slagging off' to your husband. No need. Just a big smile and a wave as you go and do something else. His brother, his problem. All adults there apart from the children whose needs should be put first - by their parents.

You really do need to stop talking about your SIL because your disdain for her is distracting me (and probably everybody else) from the valid points you're making.

Replace SIL with 'parent' or 'them' because it's up to both of them to parent their children.

Take yourself out of the equation and this will resolve itself, I'm convinced of it.

Agree with Lying. Your dislike and disapproval of your SIL is deforming the whole situation. Stop talking about her, and stop picking up the slack for your SIL and your BIL, who is equally responsible for his children and household chores.

That’s madness.
Could you have an intervention?
With the grandparents raising concerns also ?
It’s a tough one

It could be depression actually. I hated that I lost my own sense of self and had no 'me' time, and the only way I could escape from it all was getting out for a run. But in the end I cracked, and told DP he had to do more of the parenting, and I changed my hours at work, we split everything 50/50 now so I don't feel like I have to exercise just to get 5 minutes to myself, and running is no longer what makes me who I am. I think lack of support can sometimes lead to a resentful attitude and depression if one never gets time to themselves. I know you're saying she is selfish now but maybe it's been boiling over after 5 years of slogging and feeling like she's lost her identity. Why don't you sit down and try to understand it from her perspective, talk to her about it in a non-judgmental fashion.

Ok I get the point about blaming everything on her.
I think I just expect her to do slightly more than BIL as she’s a stay at home parent and has the time to wash their clothes or go out and buy them gloves, or to take them to swimming lessons when the latest lesson is 6pm.
If BIL is working from 8-6 5 days a week then I think he’d struggle to do any of these things.
But yes ultimately he should be doing more, I agree.

Yeah. I reckon she put 110% into parenting only to realise it was consistently undermined by her under-performing DH so she lost the drive to do so.

"she gets her husband too drive her"

He chooses to
He can say no I need the car to take dc to Xxxx

If neither parent can cope then speak to school...if school are noticing the unwashed matted hair they can refer to ss

She clearly was with the kids 24/7 for years. Maybe she feels she needs a bit of freedom after giving 100% to her kids and carrying her DH. With her DH it is complicated because he is ill. However he does need to know how to care for his home and kids without his partner. Although it does sound like she gets lots of respite and he doesn’t. Hopefully they can find a balance. Maybe you can encourage her DH to develop a healthy hobby?

OP, it's not for you to 'expect' anything. This is nothing to do with you and the best thing you can do for everybody, is take yourself out of the situation.

That way, any 'crash' will happen sooner and you won't need to feel so put-upon. I don't think you're able to see your SIL objectively, you certainly can't talk about it in a fair and balanced way.

Let your husband sort it - if he wants to - but keep out of it now for everybody's sake, not least your own.

That's not normal behavior she's obviously suffering from some mental illness. I'd tell her straight that she needs to get help for her addiction

Simple solution, their father needs to step up, man up and do his share of parenting.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time tbh op.

She's the SAHP to school-age children, and should be doing the lion's share of the parenting.

The comments about her being entitled to her own life are ridiculous. It has gone way beyond that. She is a SAHP who doesn't parent or do anything really, except her hobby.

Her DH should certainly step up and do more. He should be making sure the kids are clean and fed, and putting his foot down about every spare minute of family time being spent on her hobby.

But if he's clinically depressed then he's struggling himself, hugely, as well as working 8-6 and being the sole earner, which is quite a responsibility in itself.

I don't know what the answer is op. They're lucky to have your support, even if you do sometimes need to sound off on an anonymous Internet forum. Who wouldn't judge her in your position?

The mn mantra of 'having equal leisure time' mustn't apply in this case, since your bil is taking a hammering for working full time, supporting her hobby all week, and being a single parent for weeks at a time when she's away. Still, he should spend his spare minutes taking them to karate so she can fuck of training all day every day?

"Simple solution, their father needs to step up, man up and do his share of parenting."

And I don't think anyone would say that to a woman working full time and suffering from depression, whose stay-at-home husband was indulging in a hobby 24/7, spending thousands of family money, neglecting the kids he's supposed to be looking after instead of getting a paid job. I think he'd be called a cocklodger and she'd be told that her depression would vanish if she kicked him out.

Quite, but it's not for OP to sort out, is it? OP's not resolving this anyway so the judging is a bit impotent.

OP's husband is taking a back seat and OP, by pushing herself forward, is propping up a failing system. What's the point of that?

This family needs help to get back on kilter and OP isn't the person for that. Possibly her husband isn't either but if he stops letting OP pick up the slack all the time then it will quickly become apparent that the two parents need to sort themselves out and both put their children first.

Gratuitous judgement isn't ever helpful though, just whiffs of tricoteuse and the children involved don't need that.