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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a single, never married, gorgeous, childless man in his 40's

143 replies

ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 02:57

I'm a 28 year old, never married, nurse. I have started dated an absolutely gorgeous, never married, childless man in his 40's and I am stupidly wondering if it is too good to be true.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities... but the other part is SO curious.

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it but there is a tiny voice in my head that says its just a line and he will get bored... as surely he has done in the past hence no commitment.

am I being ridiculous?!?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 03:10

I know this sounds like a silly/unimportant thread question BUT i have been single for 6 years. I have been waiting for the right guy beofre committing and I feel like he could be the right guy but how can he be so beautiful and well put together yet never married and no kids yet he so wants to be a father... please help if you can :/

OP posts:
ltk · 01/02/2019 03:14

Umm... keep dating until you know him well. That should answer your questions.

NorthernSpirit · 01/02/2019 03:30

Two things here for me.

Any man in his 40’s who hasn’t committed is likely to be a commitment phone (I’ve been there)!

Secondly - your 28, hes’s in his 40’s so that’s at least a 12 year age difference. It’s a lot. Do you want the same things?

Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 03:36

NorthernSpirit It is hard to say, he is 13 years older but we seem to connect in so many ways that I have never connected with anyone.

I am aware I sound like a cliche... but really have not been even slightly interested in a relationship for all my 20's and assumed I would just live my life as a single mother and I was really happy to do so.

I have always viewed myself as independent.

Ohhh I need ti just relax and enjoy it for what it is!! I know!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 01/02/2019 03:43

i would just keep dating this nice man,and get to know him big time.Lots of conversations and then use your own judgement to see how things pan out. It could all work out brilliantly for you both. And I don't think this age difference is a problem at all.

Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 05:38

Thank you all for your messages. I have never posted in any kind of chat room before but this was oddly very cathartic.

I appreciate any and all honest feedback.

I have these moments when I'm so enamoured with him that I just feel like a silly little girl because I can only imagine what I might think if I was his age.. I dont know what it looks like but I just love what is going on between us.

I hope I'm not falling into the trap of a seductive older man... I guess that's the over-arching fear!

Thanks guys :)

OP posts:
flumpybear · 01/02/2019 05:42

Have fun and see where it takes you ... don't over analyse

lifebegins50 · 01/02/2019 05:45

I would listen to your instinct but continue dating. Ask questions as I would be suspicious.

I could be paranoid but avoidant men don't become apparent for quite some time.

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 05:50

Surely you've talked about each other's backgrounds and previous relationships? If not, time to do so, it's the elephant in the room! Good luck op.

Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 05:51

I'm such a newbie... what does OP stand for?

OP posts:
Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 05:53

Opening poster/opening post!

another20 · 01/02/2019 05:57

I have been waiting for the right guy beofre committing

What are you committing to?

Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 06:04

another20

I guess I have decided I am ready to try for a relationship.. that is my commitment. It might sound silly and maybe I am still young etc etc but I have been totally closed off to the idea of a relationship until now... this man. I feel like I am ready to be vulnerable.

Does that make sense or do I just sound silly?

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 06:05

Thank you Sproutingcorm im still learning the lingo!

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 01/02/2019 06:07

How long have you been dating for?
It could be that it's genuinely great. It could also be that something that seems too good to be true is, in fact, not true - have you heard of future faking?
I think the previous posts are right, don't ignore your instinct if something feels too good to be true, or too much too soon, or is just a bit off, keep dating, keep getting to know him, and don't build up a huge future in your head prematurely...

GetOffTheTableMabel · 01/02/2019 06:08

It doesn’t matter at all that he’s never married. I’d be a bit concerned/intrigued though if he hadn’t had one or two relationships that lasted for several years or if he had never lived with someone. Do you know his relationship history?

paintinmyhairAgain · 01/02/2019 06:09

i'd keep an open mind but enjoy it for what it is, does he have his own place [i.e when did he leave home] my first ex husband was at home until he was 37, that was a short marriage !

TearingUpMyHeart · 01/02/2019 06:14

Avoidant men can be a nightmare as they start off so full on/loved up/over commit early. It's all an act. Your instincts are telling you to be wary. Fair enough ...you won't/can't listen - chemistry ... been there .... - but just remember that voice and be alert for signs. Especially if he never trusts women (poor mother, cheating ex etc sob story) but you are different!
Also be alert for signs he is controlling.

Fairylea · 01/02/2019 06:14

How new is this relationship? It sounds like you’re still in the clouds / falling head first stage. Enjoy it but keep your mind and eyes well and truly open, don’t make any long term judgements or commitments at this stage.

Wallywobbles · 01/02/2019 06:15

If you can find the freedom program online have a look at the questions it's asks. I asked lots of them of DH as I was doing it when we started dating. I'd been single for 6 years. It was an interesting exercise.

Amazonfromkent · 01/02/2019 06:16

It's not just an old adage. I've never had or heard of any romance with a man like this not ending in tears.

category12 · 01/02/2019 06:17

You sound a bit like you have him on a pedestal, and like you think you should defer to him. You need to be careful of that.

He's just a bloke. You're equals.

Pedestals are no good for either one of you. He can only fall off.

donajimena · 01/02/2019 06:19

I dated a man like this. God he was gorgeous (sigh) it didn't work out between us. Mainly due to being a LDR but I know through a friend he's been very happy for years in a long term relationship.
You might be the 'one' (apologies for the cliche) you might not. Just see how it goes is all you can do.

ittooshallpass · 01/02/2019 06:23

I have a very good male friend who was single, never married, no children in his mid 40s. Nothing wrong with him! Life had dealt a few rough blows, that's all.

He's now happily married to a similar aged woman who was also in her 40s, no kids, never married.

We aren't all lucky in love in our 20s and 30s.

Just talk to him... find out his story.

MumsyJ · 01/02/2019 06:23

OP you seem nice and fun Smile. Just enjoy whatever is going on, do not overthink things but also do not over invest just in case? ( if you know what I mean).

I don't think age matters if two people get on really well. Enjoy your new man and get to know more about him as you go along then make your judgement.